Saturday, February 11, 2012

Missing my dad

Before the fallout from this last summer, my dad and I were close. Always have been and, in a way, always will be.

The problem comes with the fact that I haven't spoken to either of my parents since the comment in August. The conversation were it became clear that he would always back my mother, no matter how much she was destroying me.

Why all of this now? Well, on Thursday my Dad turns 62. And for the first time in my existence, I won't be contacting him.

And I miss him so badly. Just writing that sentence make me cry.

I know that independent of my mother, he would be supporting me during this time. That, though we wouldn't talk much (because he's not big on phones) he would be sending me love.

But my mom hates me. Since birth. And he's faithful to her to the bitter end. Because of this, I lose. I lose my father because I'm not willing to allow her to torture me anymore. And though I now know that his decision has nothing to do with me, I still hurt.

Fuck infertility. It's robbed me of my denile. My willingness to live in a world of not rocking the boat for those who were willing to sacrifice everyone around them in order to maintain family. But most of all, it's resulted in the loss of my dad. And I'm so sad. Because I want to share with him those 4 happy days and be comforted by all that I've experienced.

Instead, I'm orphaned.


  1. Omg christy your post made me tear up. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this from two people that should be your strongest supporters. I don't have a relationship with my mother either. This post hits really close to home. I truly hope your dad comes around. Thinking of you.

  2. Made me tear up also. So sorry you miss your dad. It sounds like such a tough situation. Lots of heartache. Wish I knew you in real life to give you a big hug.

  3. *big hugs* Cristy! I'm so very sorry. I too am missing my mom, but for slightly different reasons. It makes life really hard not having the one person there you want to talk to.

  4. OMG if we could write books about relationships with our mothers, huh? I have atense relationship with my mom too, which trickles down to my dad. I am so sorry things are the way they are. Would writing him a letter or email about his birthday and how much you miss him work in this situation?

  5. Ugh I just typed a long comment and lost it! The short version: nothing is more difficult than parental relationships. I have a difficult one too. Can you ever write your dad a letter?

  6. Oh Cristy - I'm so sorry to hear that you're facing this. I'm sure it would make things a little more bearable if you were able to share with him. I agree with HRF, is there any way you can contact him through email or anything?

  7. This is so terrible to have to sacrifice the love of one parent because of the anger of the other. Hoping that you can find some way to contact your father and tell him that you miss him without your mom finding out.

  8. I'm so sorry this is happening. And I can't believe your dad won't stand up for you with your mom. Life just sucks sometimes all around. I have no contact with my dad for many different reasons but it still hurts.
    I would suggest calling him anyway or sending an e-mail. It's not fair you have to miss out on a relationship with him because of you mom.

    Thinking of you.

  9. I'm so sorry Cristy. My husband is going through this process right now with his family so I see the pain he goes through too. I'm sending you love and strength. *hugs*

  10. I am so sorry you aren't able to be in touch with your dad. It sounds so painful. :( Hugs to you.


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