Saturday, April 7, 2012


Yesterday was suppose to be our 6 week ultrasound appointment. When it was originally made, I happily dreamed of walking into the room with Grey and holding his hand as they located the sac for our growing baby. It was suppose to be a happy day.

Instead, we had our WTF appointment with Dr. Optimism. Not an appointment anyone dreams of being part of, be they the patient or the medical provider.

It was hard seeing Dr. Optimism. She could not hide the sadness from her eyes as she started to talk about what may have happened. I know she cares and that having to be in that room with us was hard. Add in the fact that I'm not my most stable and most of the appointment was spent consoling me.

Dr. Optimism thinks this is another case of "bad luck." That it's not a genetic issue or something with me. The problem is that the literature agrees with her. That there is probably no rhythm or reason for why we aren't able to conceive.

I don't do well with "bad luck." After years of dealing with failed experiments, I've learned to stop and revisit them following a period of rest. Usually it's a matter of starting over with new reagents, changing back to an original vendor and even recognizing that it's operator error. Hence, bad luck is a one time thing for me. And in my mind, we have a pattern. Two failed pregnancies that have become problematic at the 5 week mark means something is off.

I told Dr. Optimism that I feared living through another miscarriage. That I worried about going crazy.

What I didn't tell her is that I have an additional fear. That, even with progressing forward, that I would never bring home a baby. That we would burn through all our embryos only to be told that it was just a matter of trying again. That after 2 years on this journey, we would come up empty handed.

And so, sitting on the on the exam table, I cried. Big fat tears and all. I cried for my lost children, I cried for the failure of two years, I cried for fear of an uncertain future, and I cried because of the reality that I might never be pregnant.  And because of all of this, I cried because I was crying.

It was a hard scene.

So, here's where we stand: I'm taking the next two weeks off to not think about infertility and pregnancy. I'll follow all of you, but I'm not making any decisions. In 2 weeks time, Dr. Optimism will contact Grey and me and we will have another phone conference. At this point, her advice is to repeat the Saline Sonogram to exam my uterine cavity and to proceed with another FET. If we want, though, she will also order karyotyping for both Grey and me as well as a APA test.

Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do. But I really can't think about it.

In the meantime, I plan on being hard on my body. After 2 years on this journey, my weight is 20 lbs higher than it originally was. I was never model thin, but being at my previous weight allowed me to move and be a part of the world. My current weight has hurt this. In addition, for the first time ever, my blood pressure is high. All TTC logic about being restful and loving to your body is going out the window.


  1. I'm sorry you didn't get more answers. In a few weeks, when you're ready to think about next steps, I wonder if it would be helpful to ask the IF blog world what kinds of tests they've asked to be performed. (I think Syringe Sisters recently requested additional testing.) I am like you, not understanding why things are happening is a hard pill to swallow. I want to believe that if we just dig deep enough, we can find the reasons and the answers. Of course, that's not how medicine always works, but that doesn't make it any less difficult.

    (I also had a borderline high blood pressure at my last doctor's appointment, and my blood pressure is almost always low. Could it be the drugs or hormones maybe?)

    I hope these next couple of weeks help you find the peace and strength that you need. Take care Cristy!

  2. I think the break is well deserved and much needed. I am so sorry that the visit was so emotional for you, but it sounds like your doc is empathetic and handled it well. I wish I could do something to make this easier for you.

    When you say hard on your body, what do you mean?

  3. I am sorry that you are going through this. The wtf appts are never easy especially when there are no concrete answers. Taking a break always helped me in the past. I hope it helps you as well. Wishing you the best as you take your break & as you decide about moving forward.

  4. I understand you wanting to tackle the weight issue before the hypertension becomes a pill a day or twice daily in my case. The APA test is a good idea. I just had mine drawn on Wednesday after my biopsies. I'm jumping the gun a bit here but because it could take up to a week to get the results back from the APA I put myself on a baby asprin a day to help just in case. 81mg won't hurt my stomach I hope.

    A break is really needed at this point. Take care of yourself not just physically but mentally too, please?

  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you didn't get clear answers... that's one of the things that drives me crazy about IVF - uncertainty and so many unknowns. I've always been told that a positive indicates that there's been an implantation... which is a good sign that IVF can work... but doesn't minimise how hard it is to go through. My heart breaks for you and I hope a break brings you some peace. Love always xoxo

  6. You made a wise and healthy decision my friend. I know those tears and how they make you feel about yourself and your future. You WILL overcome this, just as I have and come out with a little hope. It will take time and decisions that you don't want to have to make, but you will find it.
    I am right there with you on the IF weight gain. I too have gained about 25 lbs in the last 2.5 years. Yuck. Because I am back on the meds, I can't seem to get rid of anything.
    I think about you often and hope you have a resting two weeks.

  7. I'm an IVF newbie but I am sending you lots of love and hugs. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, but I'm thinking of you both.

  8. It's a wonderful idea to take a break from all things IF. Getting your body moving again is a great way to let out stress and feel a little better. I hope it makes you feel a bit better. Hugz!

  9. Breaks are good -- however painful the wait is. But I'd be asking for every test possible. If it is just "bad luck", fine... but let's prove it. This is your life, you are not a science experiment or a medical chart.

    With regards to the blood pressure increase -- don't forget about the impact of stress on blood pressure. I say that you deserve to indulge in a serious case of the "fuck its" over the next two weeks. Drink and eat whatever you want! Red wine and chocolate never fixed anything but they taste good going down!

    Lots of hugs coming your way.

  10. I'm thinking of you and Grey, Cristy. You are both in my heart.

  11. A break is a really great idea. I hope you're able to regroup and recenter yourself during that time so you're ready as ever when the next stage begins. I so wish you didn't have to go through this but I continue to hold hope for you. Here for you anytime. *hugs*

  12. Oh no, Cristy. I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but I pray that you have some peace in the next two weeks during your break.

  13. Hi Cristy; I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe you'd like to play along this 11 question tagging game during your break? :)
    Hoping & praying that you get peace and guidance. *hugs*

  14. I hope that this break will give you the time and space you need to find peace.

  15. A 2-week break to focus on other stuff, like being hard on your body, sounds like a great distraction and a way to continue healing. I'm sorry your WTF appt was so difficult. Thinking of you.


Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved