Saturday, April 21, 2012

This helps

Welcome everyone from ICLW! For those of you who are visiting for the first time, brief history on me. My husband Grey and I have unexplained infertility and have been trying to expand our family for 2.5 yrs. This past December we proceeded with IVF and received the news the cycle was successful. 4 days later, on New Year's Day, we learned something was wrong and a week later were diagnosed with a blighted ovum. Following this news, we decided to immediately try again. On March 14, we did FET#1 and 9 days later received the news that my beta was 306 and climbing. 5 days later, the spotting and cramping started. Despite this, my HCG levels climbed and we were told that everything would be okay. On Friday March 30, I passed a very large clot and the next morning my cramps stopped. On April Fool's Day we learned my HCG levels dropped from 8225 to 1298. Diagnosis was completed miscarriage, possibly of twins. The past month has been spent with Grey and I trying to find our way to recover and rebuild. 

A few days ago, the aftermath of this past miscarriage began to hit Grey. I've learned from this journey that he tends to process emotions after the dust settles. A response that is very different from mine. Anyway, this past Thursday was a hard one for him. He woke up angry at the world and angry at life. I worried about him as he biked to work, hoping for some sunshine as well as bike-friendly drivers. In the middle of the day, he sent me an email title "This helps me." The words brought tears to my eyes, as they've taken on a new meaning.

Tonight I am sharing them with all of you. Cyndi Lauper is an incredibly wise woman.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow


19 comments:

  1. Hi Cristy, this post just made me cry. My heart goes out to you and Grey trying to manoeuvre all the emotions that go with the unfairness of your loss. Better days will be ahead.

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  2. Beautiful lyrics... I've never listened to them closely before but they are beautiful. Hope you and Grey are doing OK and having a reasonable w/end xo

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  3. Here from ICLW and I love that song. I'm so sorry for your loss and am sending you warm thoughts and wish you peace. I've tagged you with the Lovely Blog Award so check out my page for info when you have some time.

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  4. I love that song. How thoughtful of Grey to send it to you. You both have been through so much in the past 5 months. If it were me, I'd feel like a tornado had blown through our lives. It takes time to recover from a tornado, but you are so strong and you will feel better someday. Thinking of you.

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  5. I feel terrible for you and Grey. What a terrible road you guys have had. It's great that even though Grey has delayed reactions that he can share some of that with you, through the song. Hugs to him and you.

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  6. Reading blogs is a bit like gambling. You never quite know how a post will affect you before you read it. I have tears streaming down my face right now, out of the blue. In a good way though. That is really beautiful.

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  7. That is my absolute favorite Cyndi Lauper song, ever. And what an incredibly moving post. I am so sorry to read all that you and your husband have been through. I found your blog through ICLW, and I look forward to continuing to follow your journey. Thinking of you today.

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  8. Oh see now you've made me cry!
    Thank Grey for me.

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  9. I've always loved Cyndi Lauper. Thanks for posting this.

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  10. Even the strongest of men and women will fall apart from time to time on this journey. It's scary and hard and unfair. But I have met you both and I can see the fight you have in you. Rainbows are truly one of the world's most wonderous things. You know our babies are enjoying this sun together and smiling as we push forward.

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  11. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing. This journey is one that does not make sense and is not fair. Your strength is inspirational.

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  12. I hope you don't mind, but I've added a link to your blog to my own. My heart goes out to you and your husband. ~Alicia (queenoftheslipstream.blogspot.com)

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  13. Wow. Here from ICLW - I'm so sorry for your loss.

    ICLW #22

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  14. That was a beautiful thing for him to do. I love this song. It's on my IF playlist. One of those songs that can make me happy when I need it or give me a good cry.

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  15. Your posts always leave me speechless. Like anything I say will only detract from what you've written. So just know that I'm here, reading every word you write- and feeling so much.

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  16. i am so very sorry for you loss. i hope that you have a good support network in place to help you through this difficult time. good luck on your future ttc journey,
    iclw

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  17. Oh Cristy, you continue to amaze me with every post you write. Every time I feel like I can't deal with this stuff anymore, I read your words and realize I can. What a great song, and reading the lyrics make it that more powerful...hope you're hanging in there

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  18. Here via ICLW. What a great song that is, and definitely one that I will be adding to my playlists. I am so sorry for your back to back losses, one is devastating and to go through that back to back is even more heartbreaking.

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  19. Here from ICLW.

    That is such a beautiful thing for your husband to shre. It has been so hard for me to understand my husbands ways of dealing with our loses and being supportive. I tend to react emotionally right away and when the dust settles, I'm ready to take action. He's the opposite. He needs times after to reflect and react. Wishing you both peace.

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