Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The good, the bad and the ugly

Change. The very nature of the process is scary. With change comes uncertainty, risk and vulnerability. Because of this change is stressful. Though there's always the promise of a good outcome, there's also the threat of messiness and loss along the way. These past couple of weeks have been one filled with lots of change. Grey and I have been busy making plans for the future, focusing on healing and transitioning for the next steps. With all of this has come an emotional piece that neither of us were truly prepared for.

There's been the good. Therapy with David and Dee has been helpful at identifying key issues and allowing us to work together as a couple. What we're learning is how strong our bond is and how both of us have not only the same fears and worries, but also the same dreams and goals. With the help of David, we are learning how to communicate all of this better and to find ways to overcome the damage caused by external stressors and toxic individuals. In addition to this, Grey and I started working on the paper work to begin the adoption process. We've been sorting through forms and triaging importance and attention. Some of the forms have been fairly straight forward, requiring only basic information or needing us to make appointments with others to help us complete them. Others have required more thought, answering questions about lifestyle, parenting plans, hopes for the future. In a lot of ways, these exercises have been beneficial as they've allowed us to work together and verify how many values and life-views we share. Granted, there's also an underlying sense of invasion and the realization that most parents don't give any of this much thought when they decide to expand their family. Still, we have both been trying to embrace the knowledge that there are many benefits to these exercises.


But with the good, there's also been the bad; the moments of frustration and grief. Grey and I are working daily on coming to terms with our new reality. Since making the decision to stop treatments, there's been an even more present feeling of isolation and exclusion. Friends we know in real life who had struggled with infertility have become absent, being silent since our last miscarriage. It's like their pregnancies cleansed them from infertility, so they are now quick to cut off any reminder of that time. Equally frustrating has been online support, where group members who are now pregnant or parenting after easily becoming pregnant complain about their current lot, wondering aloud about the "could-have-beens" when they have what Grey and I are breaking ourselves for. Yes, I know that life is difficult, but some if this feels superficial and makes us both feel even more isolated then we previously were.


And then there's the ugly: the things so few want or are willing to talk about. The past year has been spent putting our faith in modern medicine while putting everything else on hold for treatment. With the realization that modern medicine would not be the answer to finding our children, we began to start making plans to live again, pursing our dreams and goals. Yesterday we learned that by moving forward on that end, we may have to put the adoption process on hold. The agency we are looking into currently has an extended wait for matching birth parents with adoptive parents, with an average time now being 16 months instead of the 10-12 months. On top of this comes the knowledge that if we relocate outside of the state, we will have to complete a second homestudy because of this. Our initial path on this part of the journey is now blocked and we are at a loss for how to proceed. 


Last night while trying to calm myself, I came to the first of many ugly truths on this: I'm no longer willing to sacrifice everything for this process. I've been beaten up and ripped apart for the past year as we underwent treatment, all for 2 losses and a lot of heartache. I can't continue to do that and hope to be a fit parent. So I'm committing the ultimate infertile sin: I'm making a choice for me by pursuing career options that could result in putting adoption on hold. I'm keeping my interview and we will assess what needs to happen based on this information. Is it a good plan, hardly, but I think it's the right decision given what information we have. G_d knows this hurts, though, and with the hurt comes the envy towards those who will never have to make these choices. 

All in all, we're alive and we're trying to move forward. But the reality is, unlike before, our path is a much more rugged one, filled with many more obstacles and pitfalls. I'm sure there will be a day when we both can look back on this time and laugh, marveling at how naive we were and how we shouldn't have stressed about this or that, but being in the thick of it makes me wish we had some sort of a guide or even a more defined roadmap.

17 comments:

  1. I don't think you will ever look back on this and laugh, though I do think you will look back and see that it was all worth while.

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  2. You are so strong and an inspiration to us all. I hate that this is so difficult! I wish everyone could understand the strength and depth of so many decisions that you are making right now. My thoughts are with you.

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  3. I am really excited to follow you on this new journey!

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  4. It sounds like this road is indeed getting more complicated with lots of unforeseen obstacles. It's even harder when there's no one you can relate too because they either have children or have never been through infertility. I definitely have friends who seem to have been "cleansed" from infertility once they have children, it makes it really hard to connect with them! I pray that you guys will stay strong through this new journey!

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  5. Oh hon, this is all just a shitstorm sometimes. I wish there was something I could do to help.
    I was wondering about how moving could influence your adoption process but hadn't had the chance to ask. I can't say I am surprised, but I am sad for you.
    I know you will do what is right for you and I pray that some peace will come to you along the way.

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  6. I wish I knew what to say or wish there was something more I could do! I think that doing something for yourself is a very good idea while you work on the best plan for the future. I wish you all the best and I will be here cheering you on with whatever you decide is best for you both!!

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  7. Wow, this is so tough Cristy. I feel your pain so so so strongly. Wait times in my province are up to 3 years, with no guarantees. I feel like I've been putting everything on hold for 8 long years with the hope that next month will be "the one". When does it end?

    I guess the answer is it ends when I choose it to end. But the grief is so strong. So painful. You are the bravest woman in the world for putting your hand out and forcing the madness, the torture, the endless wait to end.

    For now. It's all temporary. All of it. You and Grey will be a mom and dad. And soon too. I look back at the last 12 months, 16 months, 36 months of my life and seriously marvel at how quickly the time has passed. Which makes me sad... I've spent so much time waiting for time to pass, waiting for the time when I have a baby. And all this potential me-time, happy time, free time has slipped away.

    You and Grey are doing the right thing. Whatever path or timeline you choose. The switch is a massive one, a sad one, a scary one. I totally get it. Take your time, settle on your direction, breathe. You will come back ferocious and renewed and so absolutely ready for whatever the next step is.

    We're right here with you.

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  8. I 100% support you pursuing things other than adoption right now. Your professional happiness is just as important as anything else right now and you have the opportunity to do this. No guilt. None. Take this time to build your life and you'll still have time for everything else. You are SO strong and I am sending you big, supportive hugs.

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  9. Cristy, this road has been so hard for you. It is difficult to want something so badly, and not be able to control the outcome. It is really great, though, that you are taking care of yourselves - and your careers. It is really great that you are starting the adoption process, even though the timing may be frustrating. It is really great that you and Grey are in this together. I am continually impressed by your insight and your strength. You can do this. This road won't last forever, and it's okay to stop and take care of yourselves for a while.

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  10. I think I can understand what you are going through right now. J and I are at that transition point too. We'll likely be moving next year, I've been stationed here 4 years and that's a long time for military. We can proceed with adoption until after we know where we are moving to. We can't do donor eggs until we know if he is going to be able to stay in or not. I don't know how much more abuse my body can take from the hormones.

    J and I need to re-evaluate our life plan. Children might not be a part of our plan after all is said and done, at least not genetic ones.

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  11. Putting yourself and your future first is no sin, Cristy! I think you're right to do so and I completely support that decision. You have to find your fulfillment wherever you can. And I know you guys will find your way to parenthood, one way or another. I'm going to be here every step of the way, watching, supporting, listening, and sending so much love.

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  12. There is no wrong choice. There is no infertility sin despite how the world tries to make us believe. There is just you and Grey and whatever works for your family is the right decision. There are no rules for this.

    Major supportive hugs your way.

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  13. Cristy, you've been through so much. I don't think it's a "sin" to pursue other things that make you happy and makes you who you are. You are so much more than an infertile woman. We have to keep telling ourselves that. You've put other things on hold and you deserve to do what makes you happy. I totally support your decision. Lots of hugs to you!

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  14. I'm so sorry that this new path is causing stress right now too. If you do end up relocating and want to talk about agencies in MA or working with multiple agency, send me a note (I think you have my email from sock exchange comments). So many people have said in person or on blogs that you can't put life on hold while waiting for adoption, and also that the timing is very unpredicatable.
    Thinking of you and let me know if there is an info I can provide that would help.
    --Teresa

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  15. Change is so hard, especially one that closes a door before we see another one that's visibly open. If my opinion matters at all, I think you're doing a fantastic thing by taking care of yourself at this time. If that is what you need to feel like you will be a better parent then, I think that's what you should do. You will be a mother someday and when that day arrives, I know you'll want to be 100% present and ready for it. You're doing an incredible job navigating this impossible journey and I'm here with you the whole way holding your hand. So much love to you and Grey.

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  16. You are so strong and I am so impressed and happy you are pursuing other things that will make you and Grey happier. You are taking care of you and each other and that is the best thing. Wishing you two lots of love, peace and happiness in your new endeavors.

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