Thursday, August 9, 2012

Lessons learned

Our final few days on the East Coast were ones that I had been looking forward to for awhile. Following the wedding, Grey and I had scheduled time to meet with friends, both old and new, as well as take in some of the sights. On Friday before the wedding, Grey came with me to meet Shelley for lunch and walked away from the experience talking about how wonderful it was to meet her. Saturday morning was spent having brunch with Sass, Shelley and Lindsay. I had so much fun talking with each of them about life as well as their journeys and learned first hand how amazing and strong each of them are. I only wish I had had the foresight to suggest a photo.

On Sunday we left Salem and the skunks for New York City. We stayed with Grey's former roommate and his wife, who is currently 7 months pregnant. Initially I was worried about this arrangement, but it turned out to be a wise decision as Grey and his friend were able to spend time catching up. Plus the main topic was not the baby, but all the horrors of homeownership as they had just recently purchased their condo. Finally, Monday morning, Grey and I ventured into the city to meet Jay. I was a ball of nerves for this meeting, as Jay's blog was the first ALI blog I found. What started off as a poorly-worded email asking her if I could knit her some socks has turned into a huge source of love and support. And though Grey had never spoken to her directly, a coffee date with her was at the top of his list. We had a wonderful time seeing Jay, with Grey completely taken with her from the moment we sat down.

Monday evening, as we traveled back to the Pacific NW, I began to reflect on the lessons learned from this trip. There were the obvious ones: windows of opportunity are to be taken, don't assume anything, the importance of being open to adventure, the importance of rest, etc. But there' other lessons that I wasn't expecting to learn on this trip: sometimes you have to let love in and trust that all will be well; sometimes you need to be patient and not push.

For too long, I've been guarding my heart from hurt, worried that opening myself up to hope would hurt me all the more. Granted, this veneer has been necessary in order to survive the past year, but in the process I've shut out so many who would have offered us help, support or opportunity. And I've been pig-headed about following certain roads despite all the signs to do otherwise.

So, here's the truth of our current situation:
1) Adoption and a move, though not impossible, will make things take longer. Hence we need to spend the next few months gathering more details about our situation before we can pursue a homestudy.

2) In the meantime, Grey and I need to make a plan to recover financially from the past 2.5 yrs. As hard as it is to admit that money needs to be addressed before children, we both know that putting ourselves into financial ruin isn't good for our family. And we have a LOT more debt because of treatments than either of us is comfortable with.

3) With financial healing comes healing in general. With the help of David and Dee, Grey and I are pulling ourselves out of the rabbit hole of infertility and finding ways to live again. It hasn't been easy and there's still a lot of work to be done by both of us, but it's happening.

4) And finally, the hardest truth of all: we still have 2 frozen blastocysts. Every time I think about them, I hurt. I hurt because I don;t know what to do with them nor what the right decision is. Going through another round of treatment is not an option at the moment. Plus, as much as I love my REs, I'm convinced that doing anything with this clinic will result in the same outcome. But I can't imagine destroying or donating these snowbabies to science. I never in my life expected to be so attached and yet detached from potential children and it frightens the hell out of me.

So, there's a lot. And I need time to figure out what we're going to do with each of these truths. But I'm learning not to rush things and to trust my gut. Now I just need to learn some patience and watch for opportunities/signs. Please let there be signs.

13 comments:

  1. The financial burden of fertility treatments is absolutely crazy. Al and I talked about this in depth for a few months now. That was the main factor of stopping after this ivf. I think we could scrap together enough money for another cycle, but then it would put us in a place that we don't feel comfortable with and we don't want to be there.

    Deciding on what to do with your two little blast has to be so hard. I just want you to know I think about you :)

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  2. Like I said yesterday, it's hard to know when to let the guard down. Maybe the risk of allowing in more love outweighs the risk of possible pain. I'm just so thankful that you got some of what you need.

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  3. I was thinking the other day about how I wished we had taken a photo!

    A question (or two) about your frozen embryos...what would the costs be of doing a natural FET? Is this an option for you?

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    1. At my current clinic, this is not an option. FETs are monitored and medicated. Hence the reason I need a second opinion. I'm hoping to have something in the works on that front soon.

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    2. Cristy, I would absolutely get a second opinion. At my clinic they are VERY pro low/no medicating and still have good results. I understand the need for closure, too. The beautiful and wonderful thing about frozen embryos is that they buy you TIME. Time to save some money. Time to heal your wounds. Time to come to find a new doctor. I have been thinking of you and your husband and sending you many healing thoughts.

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  4. Hoping that you can find a way to get another chance with the snow babies that will work. The financial burden of infertility is daunting. Not sure I would have done what I've done had I known then what I do now.

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  5. Ugh I am KICKING myself for missing the brunch. :( Boo. Promise we'll have a re-do?

    As for the embryos - there is no easy decision about those. But, I am really considering donating any we have left over after we try for #2, if any. I just know how rare donor embryos are and how much I would have appreciated them if I needed them. There are a lot of emotional implications with this, but def something to look into.

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    1. Donation, in this case, is not an option. I could not put someone through the process of prepping for a FET when there's a good possibility that these embryos aren't viable. In addition, we have no biological children. So it's equally unfair to me and Grey.

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  6. I secretly wish you could transfer those two embryos. I'm not sure you'll be able to really move on if you don't. And who knows, it may just take this time. Crazier things have happened!

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  7. If it were me, I know I couldn't move on if I didn't give those little embies a chance. I know you are in a different head space so I can't tell you what you should do with them. I know it is such a hard decision. The financial part I completely understand. We will be paying off IVF for years. There are lots of big decisions ahead of you, but I think your gut is the way to go. Thinking of you always.

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  8. You two definitely have a lot to figure out. It sounds overwhelming, but I know you'll make the decisions that are right for you. I hope you get some clear signs to help you along the way.

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  9. I really hope you find a way to transfer your 2 embies. Whatever you decide to do I hope it brings you peace. Big Hugz hon!

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  10. Somewhere, I read..might have been an article or a blog, that there are these types of transfers that they do with blasts back into the mother, but at a time in the cycle when implantation would not be possible. So they are going back into your body to be reabsorbed. Rather than deciding to donate or destroy them. It has a name...and I can't remember it. I'm sure it costs money but I thought it was an interesting idea that I had not heard about until recently.

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