5dp5dt = Depression and doubt have set in. Like many others who have been on this road, I'm struggling with the 2 week wait. Whereas the initial first few days post transfer were filled with joy and reassurance that things WOULD work, I'm struggling to remain positive and not give in to the doom and gloom.
Okay, before I go any further with my bitching, I need to point out that I officially have ZERO idea what's going on with my body. Unlike my early years in this TTC process, I know better than to symptom watch. Especially when hopped up on progesterone. I also know better than to compare cycles to one another, as what may have worked for one may not work for the other.
Here's what I do know:
1) My boobs are swollen (definitely a side effect of the PIO) and hurt when touched. Grey is loving every second of it.
2) My ass hurts. I've tried the heat pads, massaging the area and even warming the oil. Nothing helps except for time and moderate exercise.
3) My body and I hate Lovenox. Outside of the fact that I've managed to give myself a bruise that covers almost one side of my stomach (I think I hit a blood vessel), the burning sensation from the medication is painful. Lupron occasionally gave me some discomfort, but this is every fricking time.
4) Finally, I have the usual weird feelings in my uterus. Ranges between filling heavy to a warm sensation. Before anyone gets overly excited, I promise you I've had these with every IVF/FET. Comes with the territory.
All of this fuels the doubt and depression. Granted there are moments where I'm able to forget and just move on with my day. But other moments, I find myself once again fighting back tears and trying to keep the negative thoughts at bay.
I've said before that I've really been working on being present and balanced in my thinking throughout this cycle. I know logically that I've done everything humanly possible to make this cycle work, from therapy, to religiously adhering to the drug regiment, to even taking a new approach on my outlook. And so far, it's worked amazingly well.
But I also know that this is the stage where everything goes up in smoke. Where implantation either fails or miscarriages happen. Yes, yes, I know: different protocol, different doctor, different cycle all the way around. When stressed, old habits die hard.
Beta #1 is on Saturday. 5 more sleeps until we know for certain whether our beautiful snowbabies decided to take up residence in my ute. There's been some pressure to test early with hopes of giving me some relief (Grey has even offered to pee on things). Problem is, I have such negative associations with HPTs. Add in the fact that I know a BFN will make adhering to the twice-a-day injections very hard and I'm tempted not to tempt fate.
Argh. Someone slap me.
Listen Up and then BE HEARD!
3 hours ago