Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Highs and lows

Rough days. Those ones where you wonder why you even rolled out of bed. Yesterday was certainly a rough one, resulting in both Grey and I riding one hell of an emotional rollercoaster.

The groundwork for yesterday's craziness was last week. Classes have started at my institution and your's truly is teaching a brand new course aimed at younger students, resulting in many of my evenings being spent either on writing lectures, quizzes, grading and even managing course logistics. All in all, not a terrible thing, but their first exam is tomorrow, meaning everyone has been a bit stressed.

On top of this, my symptoms disappeared on Friday. The constant nausea I had been fighting for the last few weeks completely vanished and I found I wasn't as tired as I had been. Initially, though I was nervous, I was able to keep the anxiety at bay. But then I did something stupid. In a moment of weakness, I hit Dr. G.oogle and began finding stories about miscarriage and loss. The floodgates where officially open.

By Monday morning I was a wreak. Between work stress, pregnancy stress and home stress (the leak in our roof still haven't been fixed and the idiots who had caused the mess were still trying to gaslight us), it's a wonder I made it through lecture without breaking down. Somehow I managed to keep myself composed as Grey and I drove to the clinic for our ultrasound, repeating to him over and over that I knew I was being ridiculous for worrying. I'm sure I was quite a sight though.

Arriving at the clinic early gave me a chance to sit and meditate. Staring off at Mt. Rainer, I tried to clear my mind of what lay ahead, focusing instead on the exam I still needed to complete and submit that evening. As I continued with mentally writing, I hit a moment where I acknowledged that what I was doing was steeling myself. I was preparing for the ultrasound technician to do a sweep of my uterus and after a moment of silence tell Grey and I the bad news. And that somehow, we would have to walk out of that room and I would have to finish the task that laid in front of me.

So you can only imagine the crippled mess I was when none of that happened.

The ultrasound tech we had is one of my favorites. Warm, kind and a great bedside manner, she completely understood where I was coming from when I told her I no longer had symptoms. Talking me down and acknowledging that it can be scary, she proceeded with the ultrasound and quickly found our Sugar Beat. Heartbeat still very strong and measure 12.5 mm.

And then she moved the wand just slightly and immediately we all took notice. Off to the side of Sugar Beat, in what had previously been an empty second sac, was another embryo. It was hard to get a clear view, based on the angle of the camera, but immediately we saw the familiar flicker of a heart. Initially Grey thought it was simply another angle of Sugar Beat, but when the ultrasound tech brought them up side by side, showing two distinct sacs, all the questions ceased.

At that moment, all I could do was sob.

Later that night, I had an appointment with Dee. We both talked about the events of the day and the rollercoaster I had inflicted upon myself. I told Dee that I didn't know if I could handle another round of it. That after 3 yrs of infertility, loss, despair and grief, that it hurt so much to experience the mania and the depression. There's more though, too. I'm very aware of stress hormones and the effects they have developing fetuses. How flooding the body constantly has negative effects to both mother and child. And I feel that I owe it to these two to do better; to work on finding balance and not allowing things to spiral out of control.

So, last night after I finished writing the exam, I took a mental holiday. I've scheduled breaks into my day, giving me a chance to take walks and observe my surroundings. And I've made a conscious decision to start trusting this process. To believe not only in my doctors and the care they've been providing, but also these two Sugar Beats. Will I slip up? I can guarantee it. But I can't let that stop me from trying to conquer all the bad habits and stress that I've allowed to run my life for so long. Too much is riding on it.

34 comments:

  1. Wow, that is amazing ! Keeping a good thought for you !

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  2. I sit here reading this post with tears in my eyes. I know that we are all deserving of having a child, but you guys have went through so much within the past years and I am just so overwhelmed with happiness for you and Grey.

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  3. OMFG - yes yes yes yes YES! Amazing, amazing news C! You've got two little Sugar Beats in there. And BTW I've heard of plenty (incredibly lucky) people who get over their nausea in a week or two. I mostly hate them for it but for you, for these two little ones, I can forgive. ;)

    ps. You will slip up. I have told myself so many times to trust in Turtle's strength but I still find myself terrified every other day or so about baby loss. You can only control what you can control. The rest you accept.

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  4. Cristy, I'm in tears at my desk. Two Sugar Beats. How perfect. I understand completely the desire to be present, mindful and perfectly at peace for the well being of your baby. I still have days when I struggle and falter, too. However, you are doing everything I could possibly suggest to help ease the worry - taking time, remembering to breathe, being mindful, etc. You and your body are doing amazing things and I can't wait to see them continue to bloom! (and FWIW: My symptoms disappeared pretty early in the game and I've had a shockingly easy pregnancy since. I hope you are one of the "lucky ones" and remain barf-free!)

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  5. Omg TWO Sugar Beats?!?? Wow, it's like Fate was saying you REALLY don't have to worry about not seeing a heartbeat on this ultrasound - in fact, here's two. :) I know you're going through intense ups and downs right now, but try to have faith in the fact that you're doing everything right, and that remaining calm is always the best course of action. Keep breathing!

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  6. Congratulations! 2 Sugar Beats!! I'm so happy for you both.

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  7. Oh wow, oh hun that is amazing. Two little heart beats throbbing away under yours. I am over the flipping moon for you. Just wonderful.

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  8. Twins!! I am sorry you had such a hard day but what a great end result. I am so happy for you!!

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  9. Yay!!!! That's amazing! You can do this!

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  10. WOW. Just... WOW. I am so happy for you both. Congratulations!

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  11. WOW. Just... WOW. I am so happy for you both! Congratulations!

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  12. Well, isn't this just the best news of the day?!?!? Two babies! Congrats!

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  13. So so happy! Enjoy your mental breaks. That's very smart!

    And side note...how uncomfortable is it to sob during an internal ultrasound. Not fun!

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  14. Sugar Beat & Tiger Beat?? (Sorry, I couldn't resist, lol.) That's just wonderful. : )

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  15. Trying not to be stressed when you are stressed is stressful in itself.

    There are no studies that show being stressed harms your fetus. Or in your case, fetuses. Yes, some doctors believe that stress can harm your immune system and yadda yadda yadda, but trust me, your baby can grow no matter how stressed you are. You are young, you are healthy, and a little stress will not cause you to miscarry or have unhealthy children. You are pregnant with two babies!!! :) For now, in this moment, everything is better than perfect.

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  16. What great news!! My thoughts are with you and Grey!!

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  17. Eeeep! So excited for you. I know- trust me- what it's like to feel so happy yet still be scared. Enjoy the little moments when you can, and allow yourself to make mistakes. You are still human.

    So. So. So. So happy for you.

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  18. Two Sugar BEATS!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  19. Just thrilled for you. Enjoy this! You are pregnant with twins!

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  20. F*ck yeah! Pardon my French....TWO Sugar Beats! You have to come up with another name for Sugar Beat #2! OMG! I'm jumping for joy!

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  21. Wow TWO! How exciting! Congratulations!

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  22. so exciting, but as someone also pregnant with twins after a long road I get that this isn't always going to be a 'yay we're there!' kind of moment. thinking of you and hoping that you're able to practice the mindfulness that's so inspiring here, even if it's hard sometimes.

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  23. This is such amazing news, Cristy!!!!!

    Sending you and your babies lots of happy, calming thoughts. Take care, Momma!

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  24. So happy for you! The stress is always going to be there, but it sounds like you've got some good strategies for trying to handle it.

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  25. New follower, (linked from another blog) and my heard leaped for you reading this! Congrats on your TWINS! I happen to be a twin and it's awesome! Wishing you a safe and healthy pregnancy!

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  26. Yay that things are going well! Yay for two reassuring heart beats! It's ok if it's scary to be pregnant, and having been highly stressed for one entire pregnancy and a good chunk of this second long one, it doesn't damage the wee ones a bit (or that's what my doc says about the uterine resident). Take a deep breath, enjoy what you can, and roll with the rest of it. Yay again!

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  27. You are doing the best you can to provide for these two. You are working so hard at it, confronting your fears, having the guidance from your therapist and so forth. All which will help you through this pregnancy in different ways. And two babies :) how sweet!!

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  28. Congrats on Sugar Beat II! What a happy shock! Thinking of you and the sugar beats and hoping as time passes, you will begin to feel a little more secure in the pregnancy and some of the fear will lessen...and if it doesn't, of course that is okay, too.

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  29. Lovely lovely news. And don't beat (sorry) yourself up for feeling stressed. It's inevitable after everything else. And you don't want to feel stressed about feeling stressed. Sigh - the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect ...

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  30. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmgod Cristy!!! I've been following, but I was having so much trouble uploading comments via my mobile. I am ELATED for you and Grey! Take so much care of yourself. My advice to you is to say no as much as humanly possible and say yes to relaxing and enjoying this experience as much as you can. You made it girl! I have tears in my eyes for you and Grey. Big big hug across the miles to you guys and your growing babes! So proud of you!

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  31. I know I've been absent as of late, but I hope you know that you've never been far from my mind. Or my heart. Cristy, your news and your strength have warmed me to my toes. Pure and simple, you are the definition of hope right now. And hope lives. Strong in those sugar beats. Yes, plural.

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