*Once again, here's your friendly warning about a pregnancy related post. If you are not in a good place or if reading anything pregnancy related is a trigger, skip it. There will be other posts. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Today I am 16 weeks pregnant. And none of this has sunk in. Granted I'm no longer able to button my pants, finding a sleep position is becoming more difficult and I know logically that the Beats are healthy and growing. Still, I'm detached. Grey thinks it has to do with me still being afraid.
The truth is, I am afraid. Though I'm beyond grateful to be pregnant and for things to have been so uneventful for the most part, I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. With each ultrasound, I still hold my breath. With each twinge or cramp (which I now know is directly related to me being dehydrated) I pause. Yes, I know I have no reason to be paranoid. That I should be at a point where I'm embracing all of this more. But the truth is, I'm not.
Last Thursday, Grey and I went in for another appointment with our wonderful new doctor and Nurse J. On the schedule was meeting with the nutritionist, discussing vitamins and future appointment and an ultrasound. In addition was a mental health inventory. Between talking with the doctor and all the staff, I filled out the inventory, being as honest as possible. It didn't take long after I handed the inventory to Nurse J for her to return to the exam room and sit down with us to talk.
Here's the deal: life is very uncertain at the moment. My postdoc is very much in limbo, with me having no idea on whether funding is going to come through. I know I'm lucky because 1) if funding does come through, I have the position and 2) my postdoc advisor is currently hunting for other options just to get me started (and yes, she knows about the Beats). Still, not knowing what our future looks like has been stressful.
On top of all of this, home repairs still have not been completed. Grey and I are 3 months in to sleeping on the couch and the contractors don't seem to be in a hurry to complete this project. It seems silly to complain about this, but I really want to sleep in my own bed again and be able to access my clothes or use my kitchen. I also want strange people to no longer be in my home when they decide it suits them. So far, this has mainly fallen on deaf ears despite acknowledgement that 3 months for this size of project is way too long.
And then there's the fact that the individual responsible for all of this is snooping around. The warnings of a lawsuit have only worked so well at keeping him away and it's clear his looking for inside information. I'm waiting for the day I find him inside my home . . . .
Anyway, Nurse J was helpful. She reminded both Grey and I that there was only so much we could do. She was glad that we are seeing David and Dee to help us navigate through the stress of all this. Still, she told me sternly that I need to start taking it easy, reminding me where my priorities need to lie. She also reminded me that things rarely work out as planned in life and that the best course of action isn't always to push.
A hard reminder for your's truly.
Beats are still measuring a day ahead, with lots of growth and movement. Beat A even spent some time showing us how well he/she could use their fingers, moving those digits skillfully prior to sucking his/her thumb. Grey couldn't take his eyes off the screen the entire time.
In other news, we heard back about the Fragile X screen. Based on the karyotypes, our age and other factors in our favor, Grey and I have decided to hold off on the MaterniT21 screen unless something comes up. The Fragile X screen was one of those determining factors. Though I received (and interpreted) the results at 6 am, it was nice to hear the a happy tone from the genetic counselor when she called later in the day. All is normal, which is wonderful news.
I'll end this post with a question: what advise do you have about Fish Oil? Grey and I have been hunting for information, as the recommended daily dosage is 300 mg DHA for a pregnant woman. The capsules have this as well as EPA. There is some suggestion that pregnant women shouldn't have any EPA, but then there's a few sentences about how women with APA syndrome need both.
The concern is that I may be over doing it on the anticoagulents. I need to talk more specifically about this with the MFM, but my SIL (who happens to be a surgeon) has cautioned that I should be mindful, as she has seen patients on too many blood-thinners lose up to 3 L of blood following injury. Still, part of me wonders if this is the reason things have gone so smoothly. Hence I'm torn as I don't want to harm the Beats in any way.
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