So, yesterday. The responses were amazing and made me realize I need to shift my thinking. Specifically my thinking towards me and this space.
You see, the way I've always approached this space was as a way for me to process my journey through infertility. Like so many before me, I started this blog in a moment of crisis. With those first few posts, I began to process all the failure from our IUIs, the emotional bomb that was losing my family and the shock that IVF was looming. I knew at the time I needed an outlet. And so I dipped my toe into the waters that are this community. Convinced that all would be cured once I found the silver lining in the form of a baby to the trauma I had faced to to that moment
What happened over the past 260 posts I never expected. What happened instead of finding that one silver-lined cloud was a journey I never imagined myself on. A journey where this space became a place of solace from the storm that was ripping through my life. There were moments I was sure I would lose myself. Sure that nothing but darkness existed anymore. And in those moments, so many here became the rocks I needed in order to find firm footing. You all became the support that was needed for Grey and me when everyone else in our lives seemed to turn away. There are no words to begin expressing what that meant. How that love saved me from the darkness.
So when the unexpected happened, the miracle that I had given up on, I froze. I remember all too well how the transition that is pregnancy can divide as it can be a source of pain. Hence I became guarded, minding what I wrote out of fear of causing pain to those I had grown to love who were still in the trenches. I also found myself being silent as there were those around me who were battling their own fears regarding their pregnancies. But the truth is I was so scared. So incredibly terrified that I would lose the Beats. That the miracle that was growing inside of me would be ripped from me. Hence I remained quiet, steeling myself through the first 24 weeks and even beyond, monitoring my body for any potential sign of preterm labor and praying with my whole being for my babies to hold on.
It really hasn't been until the past couple of months that the fear from the last year has finally subsided and I've actually allowed myself to embrace the title of "Mom." Before then there was surviving NICU and all that came with it. Being mindful that we were so incredibly lucky to not only make it to 32 weeks but also that the Beats were thriving despite an early arrival. Even when they came home, there was the long adjustment to having our lives completely turned upside down. The full reality of caring for two premies is only starting to sink in now after we've gotten through the worst adjustments and scares.
Still, I felt I couldn't write about any of this. Others could (and I continue to be supportive of them), but with me I wouldn't allow myself. After all, I should be beyond grateful for what I have, right? That complaining and sharing otherwise suggests I don't deserve this. That somehow I am failing these two beautiful beings by admitting there are moments were it truly was too much.
Unfortunately, there was a couple of instances where this idea was enforced. Where I felt silenced after some negative interaction. But most of it was truly due to my own inner demons. The programing that had been placed in my head from a very young age.
The responses yesterday completely countered all that dialogue. And it also made me reflect more and more on the past 5 years. The idea that has been formulating as I've read and reread each response is that life isn't about finding that one and only silver lining. There are many along the path. And in a way, finding them isn't the end of a story. No, it's more like another launch point. Chapters end, things change, but with each nugget of wisdom we find along the way, the more we grow.
Hence I've been naive. Naive to think that this space would solely be about this one chapter and that would be the end.
I guess what I'm trying to say is first, thank you. Thank you for all the love and support and swift kicks in the ass. And, second, this story isn't over. But like the beginning of this blog, I need to find my footing again as I proceed down the trail that is parenting after infertility. Hell, it's more than parenting, it about being resolved after infertility. Taking each and every lesson learned during that chapter and applying it to the next one.
I hope you'll be patient with me as I find my balance.
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