Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The beginning of the end

It started earlier this month. Following HFMD, the Beats weaned themselves from breastfeeding and my milk production took a hit after I became sick too. Originally the plan was to continue pumping, expressing breastmilk until they were 12 months age-adjusted. But then reality caught up with me and those middle of the night pump sessions became harder and harder as I was no longer riding them out on the blissful moments from the nursing sessions. Ad in the fact that the pediatrician okayed transitioning to cow's milk (which they've been rocking), the fact that they are drinking less milk in general, a change in work coming in September and that He-Beat has decided that the pump station is FILLED with previously undiscovered toys otherwise known as pump parts, and the decision was pretty much made for me.

It's time to wean from the pump.

I'll be honest, I'm having mixed feelings about this transition. On the one hand, there's some major benefits that are just around the corner: regaining time during the day, no more pain and discomfort associated with pumping, less dishes and (the BIG one) having extra time to spend with my family instead of secluded in a room with the pump. At this point, just the idea of regularly sleeping through the night seems so delicious.

But there's also a sense of loss. After a crazy delivery and month spent in the NICU, breastfeeding became the one thing I could trust my body to do right. As the Beats were hooked up to feeding tubes and monitors, knowing that I was lucky enough to be able supply them with the nourishment they required to grow helped give me a sense control in an otherwise powerless situation. Later on, after they had mastered drinking from bottles, training them to breastfeed helped me bond with them and overcome some of the pending depression that was hovering. The fact that we've made it one full year of them consuming breastmilk truly is something I'm in awe of. After all, my supply, though good, has never been excellent and constant pumping as well as supplementation with formula has been required just to meet the daily demands for feeding two babies. Still, there's pride there that we have been fortunate enough to be able to have all the tools needed to make this happen. Knowing we're at the end is bittersweet.

Yesterday I started doing research on how to reduce milk supply and have worked out a schedule for reducing pump sessions. Grey practically cartwheeled when I outlined the plan, offering to buy every material needed to help move this transition along. Currently I pump 7 times a day (I know, it's a crazy schedule). The plan is to drop the midnight pump session and then the one at lunch. Based on how I'm feeling, we'll figure out the order of the next two, but I'm hoping by the end of August we are completely done. The big problem I'm worried about it the pain I experience when I don't pump. With Raynaud's syndrome, I get shooting breast pain if I don't drain regularly, so I'm hoping this transition will work.

So many emotions come with just thinking about this. So much trepidation that I know Grey and the Beats aren't experiencing. I know it's time; the beginning of the end of this phase. And that it is the right thing for my family. But it doesn't make this any easier.

13 comments:

  1. Wow you did an amazing job on breastfeeding and what a huge accomplishment. This is one thing that makes me super nervous and I hope I am able to sustain the girls. My husband is in contact with the LC at the hospital to see if she makes home visits. From everyone I have talked to, this is really important in the early days.

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  2. Hugs. I know the exact feeling. Even though you feel happy about the accomplishment of breastfeeding so well for so long, how great it was for your baby/babies, and how much time you are going to get back, it is definitely bittersweet because it is another milestone and means the baby/babies are growing up. Breastfeeding creates such a special bond between mommy/baby that is so much more than just nourishment (probably the reason our husbands are so happy to help us wean...haha). Hang in there momma! I'll be thinking of you!

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  3. Oh hon, those damn pumps are such a mixed blessing love/hate relationship for sure. When I quit pumping at 11 months with Stella i JUMPED FOR JOY, but I was still breastfeeding a couple times a day so I didn't have to feel that entire sense of loss all at once. It really is a pretty amazing connection to your children when you think about it. Your body MAKES FOOD for them. I mean, very cool.

    At any rate, I hope this is a smooth transition for you. Congrats on making it to a year - that is fantastic! I've often read that sage is a supply killer, and that putting cabbage leaves on your breasts should help with engorgement and reducing supply as well. Good luck!

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  4. I look forward to one day weaning my little girl so that I can spend more time with her. Right now J is the only one that gets to do story time as I have to pump or else the breasts ache.

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  5. This time comes for everyone at one point or another. I was also one who had to quit the pump last and it was a tough choice, but boy was sleeping through the night great! What helped me a little I think was that even when I pumped I would cut the time down so my body knew it didn't have to produce as much...not that I ever had a big supply. You could also shorten your pump sessions by a couple of minutes per pump in addition to cutting out a whole session. Just know you did amazing!
    I can't wait to see those Beats. It's been so long and they have grown so much!

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  6. Congratulations on making it so long breastfeeding two babies!! I know I am totally going to have mixed emotions when I stop breastfeeding. It's such an amazing thing but at the same time it's not easy... I suppose nothing worthwhile is ;)

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  7. Great job mama! What a huge accomplishment. I recently stopped pumping but am still nursing my girls. I'm sure I'll be sad when our time comes but it's so amazing to see them grow and thrive with what our bodies provide them.

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  8. Good luck with this transition Cristy! This no doubt comes as a mixed bag of emotion. You've been amazing with this (7 pumps a day???!!!! I am on awe!). Well done on all you've accomplished and all the best with the next steps!

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  9. I know this feeling well. After six months of exclusively pumping I also had mixed feelings about stopping. I won't talk too much about the emotional side of it, because everyone is different, but I will say that it's hard when you're weaning but you feel better once it's over. At least that was the case for me and i've heard that from other women too.

    I will also recommend sage to help dry up your supply. I ate (swallowed with water) a teaspoon three times a day and it did wonders for helping my milk dry up. It's super cheap and while it's odd to just swallow a bunch of dried sage with water, I didn't mind the taste much (and it didn't really linger). Anyway, just the little tip I give people who are weaning, because it really helped me.

    Good luck with this transition. I know it's a tough one.

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  10. You are super woman! I have no idea how you managed all those pumping session. You did good Mama :) Now it is time to enjoy some extra time with those sweet kiddos of yours.

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  11. Just remember how far you've breastfed and what a wonderful gift that was for the Beats. Good luck with the transition!

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  12. Having recently done this myself, it is tough. Both emotionally and physically. But good for you for pumping for a year!! I could not have done that. Slowly start to drop pumping sessions (only drop once a week) and pump for shorter amounts of times. I did the cold turkey wean so that I didn't have to bring my pump to DC last week and it involved cold cabbage leaves on my breasts at night, taking an entire box of Sudafed, and hand expressing only when I needed to. Once you are done, it's crazy how much freedom you have!!

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  13. Wow, that's amazing that you've made it this far! It will be tough to transition away from breastfeeding entirely but, as you say, hopefully it will give you more time with the kids so you don't suffer so many feelings of withdrawal and loss of attachment. (Can you substitute pumping time with cuddle time?) :)

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