Saturday, June 13, 2015

They found something

Thursday morning, Grey and I made the track to the other side of the lake for She-Beats second round of surgery. Like her brother, her first set of ear tubes had fallen out and she was once again experiencing chronic ear infections. To resolve this, the doctor wanted to place a more secure set of ear tubes called T-tubes hoping they would last longer.

The work up to the surgery went smoothly, with all of us now very use to the routine. After she was wheeled back for surgery, Grey and I went to the recover room to wait. Normally a very fast procedure with quick turn around.

Except this time it took longer.

Grey went to find coffee, assuming that he would return to find the doctor giving me discharge instructions and comforting a groggy She-Beat. Instead when he came into the room, he found the doctor sitting with me, attempting to explain what he had unexpectedly found. The look on my face made him drop the coffee and immediately grab for my hand. The doctor popped up and went to the whiteboard in the room, drawing and explaining the growth they had found.

What they found in She-Beat's ear is a chlolesteatoma. It's not malignant, but it is a serious condition that left untreated causes hearing loss, vertigo and can lead to brain infections and facial paralysis. Because of the seriousness, the surgeon wants to move fast and schedule a more extensive surgery involving a CT scan and operation within the next month. He seemed hopeful based on it's size (it's small) and location (not too close to the bones in the middle ear) that hearing loss would be minimal. Still, we won't know until the day of surgery exactly what we're looking at.

Following getting a very upset She-Beat home and down for a nap, Grey broke down. He sobbed in a manner I haven't seen in 3 years. 3 years ago following our miscarriages and failed third IVF. Wrapping my arms around him, I felt completely powerless.

I've watched friends live through diagnoses for their children that involve extensive surgery. Trending carefully to be supportive but also being aware that one can't promise a positive outcome. In addition, I've seen others given diagnoses or face trauma that turns their lives upside-down and inside-out. In every case, there's that moment where the decision for how to approach the news is made. In some cases, the depression and numbness takes over, but in others a decision is made to fight for life, crawling one's way out of the darkness and demanding there be light. Even if they stumble or encounter new barriers along the way. In every case, the simple fact they are choosing life is inspiration and impressive.

Following a long nap, I took She-Beat out on a walk. Exploring one of the alleys with her, I watched as she stopped to smell the flowers, poked at rocks and happily hummed the whole way. Half-way down the alley I saw a suspicious looking man twitching as he sucked on a cigarette. Initially he glared at me, making in clear he was not to be trusted. It was as I reached for She-Beat to turn around that she began to wave and cheerfully call "Hi" to this person. Startled, he jumped up and dashed away.

It was in that moment that I realized that She-Beat was going to make all of this okay. Because this little girl has more fight and life in her than most people I know. From the day she was born, at 3 lb 7 oz, she's demanded to live. And every day since, despite the stumbles, the delays, the scary moments and even the barriers, she's found a way to overcome. And this new challenge will be no different.

Despite my faith in She-Beat, I'm still scared. The more I read the more I know what is to come. And I wish with my whole being that it was me that would be on that operating table. But for now, all I can do is prepare, making sure I'm the support both she, her brother and even Grey need during this time. To become the rock they need me to be.

18 comments:

  1. Oh crap, Cristy. My heart just dropped when I read this post. I am so sorry that She-Beat is going to have to undergo a procedure like this. I'll be praying for your family during this difficult time. May you find peace and strength to handle this together. <3

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  2. Sending prayers that everything goes ok, surgery is scary. One of our twins also had his second set of tubes a couple months back due to chronic ear infections.

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  3. So sorry to hear this. Tough situation for a little girl (and her parents). Nothing can take away the shock but as you pointed out you are making a choice how to face the situation. Thinking of you and hoping it all goes as smoothly as possible with better health for your little one as the end result!

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  4. Oh Cristy!! I am so sorry you all have to go through this. It sounds like the drs have caught this at a good time, though, and the prognosis sounds good. You will be in my thoughts over the next few weeks. (((HUGS)))

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  5. Cristy ... sending so much love to you all, and keeping you in my thoughts. I know what you mean about your little girl; mine is like that, too, demanding to live, despite my fear that she will be snatched away from me. May you draw strength from her, too, in these next few weeks. Choosing life, knowing what we know, isn't easy. But there are many hands to hold you along the path. xo

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  6. Omg. How scary! I am so glad it is not malignant and that it was caught so early. I hope everything goes very smoothly from here on out! Good luck to the whole family!

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  7. Oh this sucks having to go through that. The doctor seems optimistic so I'm hoping and praying this will all be taken care of. Will be thinking about you.

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  8. Cristy, that really sucks. All I can do is seems you love and support. And hope that you have the support you need to have the strength to support your family.

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  9. PS I am glad you had that moment with She-Beat, knowing she would make it bearable. I know that my niece makes her diagnosis easier to bear simply because she is who she is, too.

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  10. Oh no, this has got to be incredibly stressful and scary. Why is nothing ever easy or simple in IF land? I feel like with everything you've been through, you should get a pass on ever having to worry about your babies ever again, and yet here you are. I'm sending strength for you and Grey, and hope for a quick, easy, painless surgery and recovery for She-Beat. You can handle this. So can she.

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  11. Holding you guys in my heart. I am so sorry you are going through this. We're all abiding with you, and will be in your pocket while you're sitting in that waiting room. We'll be your support as you are her support.

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  12. Oh no! I'm so sorry She-beat is going through this. Abiding with you as you navigate a more difficult road ahead.

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  13. My heart just sunk. So sorry to hear that you guys are having to go through this - so stressful and scary. Holding you guys in my thoughts. You're right, she-beat is a fighter and will get through this. Take care friend.

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  14. Many prayers! You will all get through this!

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  15. Oh Cristy! How absolutely terrifying. I know that must have sucked SO BAD...so scary when "routine" suddenly and and unexpectedly turns into something so much more! Hoping She-Beat can have a successful surgery and a quick recovery! Keep us updated!

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  16. I love how you say "Because this little girl has more fight and life in her than most people I know." and hope that brings you and Grey comfort and strength along the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and throughout.

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  17. I love how you say, "Because this little girl has more fight and life in her than most people I know." and hope it brings you and Grey comfort and strength along the way. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and throughout.

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  18. Oh no poor She-Beat. It sounds like the doctors caught it early so that's a good sign. She-Beat is a strong little girl and is going to rock this next challenge.

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