Monday, September 28, 2015

#MicroblogMondays - Healing rifts

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

For the past 4 years, I've had zero contact with my family. This decision was a guilt filled one. After all, those who cut-off contact with their families are suppose to be mentally defective and emotionally impotent. Yet I knew at the time that I needed this space in order to address what lay ahead. That juggling navigating an infertility diagnosis and fertility treatments would be emotionally impossible if I was also managing the expectations of my mother. 

The idea of reconnection surfaced about a week after the Beats were born. Sitting in NICU, I received a text from my brother letting me know that my parents were on the west coast and wanted to see me. In that instant, I wanted so desperately to share my babies with them. But I was also scared shitless at the idea of them finding out about these two fragile beings, harming them indirectly in order to get punish me. Collapsing in the parking lot later with Grey (somehow I managed to hold it together while in the Vault), I confessed my fears and conflicting desires. A decision was made at that point to continue with radio silence, but to revisit reconnection as the Beats grew and became stronger. As our family grew stronger. 

And as time went on, I thought more about this. Torn between taking this step while also wanting to protect my family.

Over the weekend, it became apparent it was time. With the move in completion and the reality that we need to make some changes to an old agreement, I made two phone calls: one to each parent's younger brother, who are trusted uncles. Both responded quickly and we utterly elated and exacerbated. And the news of the Beats floored both of them.

So, the ball is rolling for this final chapter. The plan is to reach out to my parents this coming Saturday. All of it seems surreal and terrifying. None of it has gone the way I imaged it would. All of it still has the potential to explode (especially as the news of the Beats will likely shock them all). But I'm progressing forward. Especially boundaries while trying to heal rifts.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

16 comments:

  1. I'm on the end of the spectrum that believes it is imperative to end toxic relationships. No matter blood or water. It has probably saved me from much in my life (I no longer speak to two sisters for different reasons, one since 2000 and one for about three years). I long for the imaginary relationship but I do not miss or regret the decision to lose contact.
    I imagine the reconnect will be good or it won't. I admire your trying it and will keep it all crossed that things go well.

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  2. Wow. This could be such a big change. Sending good wishes that this goes the healing way for you all. xoxo

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  3. Wow, this is huge news. I hope it goes far better than you could hope for. I am sending you lots of good vibes. I am looking forward to the next update :)

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  4. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of positive vibes to you!

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  5. Keeping you in my thoughts. Good luck!

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  6. I'm so glad you feel ready to do this. Wishing you the very best.

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  7. That is huge. I'll be thinking about you all weekend and sending good thoughts that it goes well. Well, as well as it can go.

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  8. Wow Cristy, this is huge. Good luck - thinking of you guys.

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  9. Sending you the best of luck. I hope it goes so much better than you can even imagine.

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  10. Best of luck. I hope you can temper expectations and then have them exceeded. Or at the very least, met. Family is such a tricky business. I hope that the Beats can know their grandparents in a way that is comfortable for you and managed firmly by you and Grey.

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  11. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Maybe the time apart will help the relationship? If it doesn't work out then you can say that you tried and have no regrets.

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  12. I know this is a big step and must have you fretting about the outcome. I think you owe it to yourself to see what will come of it and just maybe heal some of the pain. Best of luck and many hugs.

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  13. I know this is a big step and one that probably has you fretting about what will come. I hope this turns out to be a positive connection and that you can find some kind of relationship again. It know it's going to be hard for you. Big hugs and good luck.

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  14. Wow! That has to be so hard, both the cutting off and the reconnecting. Here's hoping it all goes smoothly.

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  15. That has to be so hard. I hope the reaching out goes well and I'll be thinking about you guys.

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  16. I'm hoping this has been a positive step for all of you. (((hugs)))

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