tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post6464062762104558283..comments2023-04-04T07:26:09.997-07:00Comments on Searching for our silver lining: The sorting gameCristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-70250674531988415172016-09-11T06:34:31.017-07:002016-09-11T06:34:31.017-07:00This is such a tricky set of circumstances for sur...This is such a tricky set of circumstances for sure. I don't know that I have any sage advice here. Infertility can definitely change relationships and it sounds like things with Grey's family have always had some difficult elements for you to navigate.<br /><br />The one thing I will say is this, less advice than perhaps a thought: prematurity as well as infertility can really cause stress on relationships. I know that when my daughter was born prematurely, it caused some issues with in-laws. I was barely handling everything that was going on as it was and I didn't deal with some of their hopes/expectations/emotions well. I wound up employing a version of the strategy that some previous posters have mentioned - building positive interactions while slowly addressing issues and moving forward. But it is so tough and every family has its different pitfalls. Sending thoughts and hoping things work out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-13435217916043298842016-08-30T18:13:55.619-07:002016-08-30T18:13:55.619-07:00Oh, infertility, the gift that just keeps on givin...Oh, infertility, the gift that just keeps on giving. :( Families can be so complicated at the best of times (my grandmother & her sister lived in the same small town all of their lives and would go for years without speaking to each other, so I know a bit of which you speak...!), and infertility can sure throw a major monkey wrench into the works. I am sorry you are feeling on the fringes of Grey's family. I have no great advice to offer... it sounds to me like you haven't done anything especially wrong, other than trying to protect yourself during and in the aftermath of a difficult pregnancy. The distance between you & them (& their proximity to Grey's brother & his family) certainly seems to be a factor. And sometimes we just "click" with some people, and not so much with others, even when we would like to and try to. I think it's worthwhile to keep trying to maintain some kind of relationship, even if it's not as close as you would like it to be. I like the idea of the weekly Skype/Facetime sessions. I would certainly let your MIL know that you hope she enjoyed/is enjoying her visit with the other set of twins -- and you hope she will come visit you & your family soon too. loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-43424659413281848462016-08-27T06:47:18.517-07:002016-08-27T06:47:18.517-07:00I've been thinking on this one a lot this week...I've been thinking on this one a lot this week... It sounds so very complex. I feel like families are little land mines grouped together, and when you add in that prior history with Grey's ex and the complication of your MIL's other grandchildren coming so easy and getting so much of their priority and attention before yours could come to be, there's a lot of suitcases there. I am glad that you have the aunt and uncle who truly acted like surrogate grandparents when the others didn't seem to understand or make the effort to be there through your situation, even with any pushing away due to past hurts on your part. The inlaw relationship is so hard -- it can work out great but it can also be layered with so many things that make you wonder about the relationship. I guess I don't have any sage advice... other than to think about what you are looking for in this relationship, and think about if it is possible or if it will cost too much. Can you reframe the relationship at this point, from your side, for your heart and and your sanity? <br /><br />Thinking of you as you navigate this cluster of hurts and disappointments and feeling second-best, none of it pleasant. I hope you can find a solution that doesn't blow it all apart. And hooray for a wonderful aunt and uncle. Someone once told me that if your family can't fill the role you wished they would, you find a mother or a MIL or whatever in someone else, a friend, a different relative, and you get the nurturing you need from them and lower your expectations for your actual family member to (TRY) to release the power to hurt you. Sounds a little harsh and hard to do, but it can be a bit freeing. Best to you!Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-13435278920884503482016-08-25T13:06:43.530-07:002016-08-25T13:06:43.530-07:00You are surrounded by love and support (even if it...You are surrounded by love and support (even if it's just on the internet). You will get through all of this and (yes) it will probably take time. I don't really have much advice, other than to be true to yourself and Mr.Grey. But, I'll be thinking about you and the family...hoping for the best!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-56948443975685394152016-08-25T11:32:24.750-07:002016-08-25T11:32:24.750-07:00This sounds really difficult. Impossible, really....This sounds really difficult. Impossible, really.<br /><br />At the risk of sounding like I'm minimizing your feelings, which please know that this is not at all my intent, Eleanor Roosevelt's quote, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" comes to mind.<br /><br />I find that things like this are best handled in writing. It gives you time to say exactly what you want to say and gives them the time to digest it without the opportunity for interruption/fighting on either side. I'd make it clear that you want to have a meaningful relationship with them and that you want your kids to have a meaningful relationship with them too. Acknowledge past hurts and apologize for anything that requires it. Then focus on moving forward and make it clear that you have no intention of rehashing old hurts moving forward. This puts the ball in their court, so to speak, because you will have made your peace offering. They get to choose the next step.<br /><br />The hurt won't go away, and I'm not saying to never address it, but it seems like addressing it right now might set off an explosive chain reaction that might lead to irreparable damage.<br /><br />Just my two cents. It's always easier from the outside looking in. Family bullshit is so hard to deal with.<br /><br />Thinking about you lots! You are strong and courageous and you will get through this. (((HUGS)))BentNotBrokenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10151724076659555122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-41983917447702440682016-08-23T19:09:28.282-07:002016-08-23T19:09:28.282-07:00Families are complicated, aren't they? I don&#...Families are complicated, aren't they? I don't have any advice, mainly because I am very hands off with his family. I mean, I know I am a part of the family, but I guess I just don't have that relationship, good or bad, that so many others have. But if I could say anything about MIL, I would start off slow. Changes like that will take a long to take effect. Good luck lady. <3 This all sounds so tough.Risahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01134469272401945848noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-72633762092472644622016-08-23T14:27:09.810-07:002016-08-23T14:27:09.810-07:00Wow, this is all so complex and it sounds like the...Wow, this is all so complex and it sounds like the origin of many of the issues goes back years, predating when you joined the family. Your goal is a closer relationship with MIL, correct? I don't have much advice for resolving the underlying issues, but in your place I would probably not even try at first. I would try to have some enjoyable, superficial interactions first, create some good memories, some rapport, even if it's just tiny moments. My MIL also lives far away. We have never had relationship issues (she is very well informed and understanding of IF, that def makes a difference) . Still, something that has solidified our relationship is a weekly Facetime chat including AJ. MIL actually pushed for us to get iPhones for this reason, and it was a great idea. It's a weekly ritual we never skip unless somebody is completely unreachable. It makes a big difference both in our relationship and her relationship with AJ. Also, this might be related to my introversion, but I feel much more comfortable with FaceTime than a traditional phone call. Not seeing who I'm talking always feels uncomfortable to me and any relationship that relies only on phone contact....it gets neglected. I don't know if you have any similar feelings but the ritual contact plus the visual connection works for us. Good luck: things won't change overnight but I really hope you can achieve the change you want.torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.com