tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post6833556440403210625..comments2023-04-04T07:26:09.997-07:00Comments on Searching for our silver lining: Getting back in the saddle: Part III - Processing another's grief and forgivenessCristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-51957527083581109762014-03-04T07:20:21.722-08:002014-03-04T07:20:21.722-08:00Wasn't able to finish my comment... But I wan...Wasn't able to finish my comment... But I wanted to add that I'm so happy for you and Grey. It really sounds like you guys are starting to heal after a gruelling road to parenthood. Congrats Cristy... The shock of the past few years isn't an easy thing to overcome.<br /><br />As a side note - thanks for the shout out! :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14896931627340645963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-39731891043108283052014-03-04T07:17:52.217-08:002014-03-04T07:17:52.217-08:00Wow - this is a great post Cristy. Yes, one does ...Wow - this is a great post Cristy. Yes, one does have to be helpable... Something I have to remind myself of moving forward - to keep myself open to help and also that those in my life that I want to help can only accept my offerings if they open themselves to help.<br /><br />It sounds like you are in a good place - a place of acceptance, of forgiveness, of exploration and of letting goAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14896931627340645963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-51800983477606055562014-02-27T19:05:47.051-08:002014-02-27T19:05:47.051-08:00There have been some great posts lately about grie...There have been some great posts lately about grief and support, and yours is a wonderful addition. So often we don't know what will help us, but we know that we resent efforts to help us - or simple comments that hurt us - when they touch a sore spot. And yes, we need to be helpable, we need to be able to say what would help us. Or just ask for a hug, or an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on. And it would help us if we could step back and think "they're only trying to help" even if those attempts can misfire so badly. <br /><br />Or remember that "not everything is about us" which is what your friend needed to be able to recognise. But when we're in the midst of that pain (as you were, and she is), it is hard to be able to do that. <br /><br />I'm so glad you're mending fences with your BIL. I suspect at some stage your friend might be able to put things in perspective too. I hope so.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-91072999925920700722014-02-25T12:56:44.501-08:002014-02-25T12:56:44.501-08:00Wow. So much to unpack here. I commend you for hav...Wow. So much to unpack here. I commend you for having healthy boundaries, for letting your friend pull back because of HER stuff, and you knowing you didn't do anything to hurt her. Hard as it was.<br /><br />I like the concept of helpable.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-73717619968216483322014-02-24T11:48:19.968-08:002014-02-24T11:48:19.968-08:00This is a really great post, and I commend you for...This is a really great post, and I commend you for recognizing what steps you need to take. That level of reflection is sadly so seldom. I hope that Lucas responds well to your letter and that the breach is healed. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-22651793263589908052014-02-23T19:48:04.855-08:002014-02-23T19:48:04.855-08:00This is a really interesting post. I've been t...This is a really interesting post. I've been thinking about this a lot, especially since that post of Loribeth's, that REALLY piqued my interest and made me wonder if I was saying the wrong thing to people grieving all the time.<br /><br />I've ways wondered about the difference between pity, sympathy and empathy and what each of them look like and whether one person's perceived sympathy is another person's perceived empathy and so on. I wonder sometimes, if grief is something that can't be shared, and what that means for those of us who grieve. <br /><br />I have also been thinking A LOT about giving advice or offer support in times of stress or grief. Is there really a way to so this effectively? When I was struggling with breastfeeding everyone was trying to support me, but what that looked like was support of my choice to quit breastfeeding, because it was believed that I was pushing myself to keep breastfeeding even when I should stop and that if I had people telling me it was okay to stop, I'd allow myself to make that choice. Except I was really unsure that stopping was the choice I wanted to make. And in the end I felt almost as judged for wanting to continue to breastfeed as people assumed I felt for possibly stopping. Even in the midst of it I realized I didn't know WHAT I needed from my friends and family. I didn't know what I wanted them to say. I guess, in the end, I KNEW that they would support me no matter what I chose and that I would get no judgement from them, and that is all that really mattered. But I don't know if I was able to see that because is past struggle I've been through and knowing people aren't always sure how to navigate those hard moments, or their skilled support giving or some mixture of the two. <br /><br />I was accutely aware of how I'm still not sure how to navigate any of this when my cousin contacted me recently asking for advice on making the choice to stop breastfeeding, exclusively pump (like I do) or give formula. I was just so unsure how to proceed because I didn't know how to say that I supported either choice. How do I say it's a great idea to keep breastfeeding while also assuring her it's okay to stop? Can you really support both choices at the same time? And if so, what language can you use to do so? I hope I made it clear to her that either choice was the right one. It's all so complicated. Esperanzahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12375150088333673843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-82910102745858462972014-02-23T18:27:23.450-08:002014-02-23T18:27:23.450-08:00Great post Cristy. I have thought about this topic...Great post Cristy. I have thought about this topic a lot over the past few years. I think more often than not, those who have never been through what we have, don't really know what to say and often end up saying things that we interpret as hurtful. I remember so many times over the past couple years where my feelings were hurt even though I knew the other person was trying to say something nice/helpful/supportive. Of course in the heat of the moment it's hard to tell myself they mean well, and even if I do I don't think it would stop me from having hurt feelings but I think it's important to recognize that our loved ones are not intentionally saying things to hurt as. But as I said, it's much easier to recognize and forgive when a little time has passed. <br /><br />I felt a lot of closure when I talked to a friend recently about how hurt I was by what she considered to be innocent comments. (You know, all the usual comments about how stress is what's really causing me not to get pregnant and that I'd probably get pregnant once I adopted.) You said "those of us who are grieving have a responsibility to help guide those who are trying to reach out and offer support." and I couldn't agree more. It's a learning opportunity for everyone involved and I definitely feel like I am better able to support grieving friends now than had I never gone though infertility. <br /><br />Thanks so much for sharing this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-47796600678352876942014-02-23T18:08:03.900-08:002014-02-23T18:08:03.900-08:00Yes!! This!! Absolutely can relate to all of this!...Yes!! This!! Absolutely can relate to all of this!!Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-44431701569949691842014-02-23T17:34:22.169-08:002014-02-23T17:34:22.169-08:00"Helpable"--- I love that, and it is so,..."Helpable"--- I love that, and it is so, so true. Coming off the news that our IVF failed and we had again miscarried I was not in the mood to be helped. My husband would try to find the silver lining and I could find something negative about EVERY word that came out of his mouth. Same with my mom, same with everyone. I honestly didn't want to be helped… I wanted to be miserable. You're so right, those of us suffering with grief have got to be helpable, or otherwise, the failed conversations are just as much our fault as theirs. I still have days where I just don't want the help, don't want the advice… I simply want someone to feel miserable with me. I think the hard part is giving voice to those feelings and saying, "I just want to be sad together… can we just not fix this today?". Great post!Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11657607481465480125noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-31465377149192701692014-02-23T17:19:42.632-08:002014-02-23T17:19:42.632-08:00Wow. Awesome post, Cristy. So many amazing points ...Wow. Awesome post, Cristy. So many amazing points that I had never thought about that thoroughly. Best of luck in writing your letter to Lucas - I'm so proud of you for being able to take a step back from it all and see both sides of the story and the hurt. That's something we ALL struggle with much of the time, whether we admit it or not.Joshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13423295019681051881noreply@blogger.com