Reflections on egg-freezing

A barely audible whimper sends a warning that naptime is coming to an end. Tip-toeing in the room, I find a wide-awake He-Beat laying on his belly, nursing his pacifier, while his sister still fast asleep. Upon seeing me, he proceeds to sit-up and then lifts his arms high over his head, signaling that he wants to be picked up. After a kiss and a quick diaper change, we leave his sister to finish her nap in peace and head downstairs to begin our Saturday ritual.

Once his feet make contact, He-Beat toddles over to the broom closet. Once I open it, he reaches inside for the red dust pan while I grab for the broom. Situating him in the middle of the kitchen floor, we begin our usual rhythm of sweeping, with him following the broom and reaching out at moments to help me push it. As I turn a corner, I have a flash of myself from a few years ago, sweeping this same floor. But that woman pushing the broom is in the thick of fertility treatments, suffering from the grief of failure after failure. As I move the broom across the kitchen floor, I remember thinking how far away motherhood seemed. And it is as I'm in the middle of that thought, feeling the shadows of that grief wash over me, that He-Beat greets me with a happy shriek, pushing the red dustpan towards me. Seeing this little boy in that moment causes me to drop the broom and scoop him up into my arms. Instead of pushing away, he allows me a sweet moment to hold him, taking in the intoxicating smell of him and to kiss his head that he rests on my chest. Somehow, we survived the nightmare. Somehow, it became okay.

I'm a bit late to the party on this one, but there's been a lot of press recently about egg freezing. Pamela has been running a very informative series about this issue, talking about the push for marketing this procedure as a form of "fertility preservation." On the heels of Apple and Facebook's announcement to offer egg-freezing as part of their benefits package, her articles in WIRED and FORTUNE magazine combined with thoughtful work from others,  has sent a strong message that this procedure isn't the silver bullet to balancing career with family building.

Like many, I agree that egg-freezing is an amazing technology that gives those about to undergo life-saving treatments, such as chemotherapy for cancer patients which would otherwise eliminate their ability to conceive, a chance to spare that. But the way egg-freezing is now being marketed turns my stomach, for a couple of different reasons. The first being that it assumes that egg quality is the only factor for infertility. For me, like many others, this wasn't the case. After two rounds of IVF, it was concluded that my embryo quality wasn't the issue. Instead, I was told I had issues with implantation, an area that we still know so little about. Yet what is being promised with egg-freezing is that by using younger (and assumed healthy) eggs, any issues with infertility would be eliminated. Never mind that biology, not just reproduction, is far more complex and that egg quality is truly only one factor in this equation.

The second issue is harder to explain as it's an emotional one. It goes without saying that I love the Beats with my whole being and there is not a single moment of my journey to bring them into this world that I would trade. These kids are amazing miracles and I would go to hell and back for them 100 times over. But just like anyone else with a life-changing illness, I would not wish the hell I went through on anyone. If someone told me 10 yrs ago that I had the option of getting my babies and never having to go through IVF if I simply started trying earlier, I would have done that. To know there was a way to prevent having to walk through this hell. With egg-freezing being marketed to women who are otherwise healthy, I feel they are unknowingly choosing to walk through hell. Even if they research it and make what they think is an educated choice.

The truth is infertility has been successfully suppressed in society. From the assumption that relaxing is a cure for infertility, to general misunderstandings about fertility treatments, to even outlandish suggestions that adoption is a guarantee way to ensure a future pregnancy, society perpetuates the myth that infertility is rare and something we can easily overcome. The scary truth is that this is far from the case. Not only is infertility a life-changing medical condition, but an emotionally traumatic one. Between the financial stress and the hardship of treatments, there's also the emotional rollercoaster fueled by hope and grief. A rollercoaster that many who live through have ridden many times, often to the point of developing some form of depression, anxiety and even PTSD.

What otherwise healthy women may not understand is that by electing to go through egg-freezing, they are buying multiple passes for this rollercoaster. What they are signing on for is periods of anxiety, fear, uncertainty and, when failure comes, grief from loss. And with a 2-12% success rate, the likelihood of this grief is almost certain.

I remember those days of grief all too well. Of waking up daily to a feeling that my heart had been ripped out of my chest. To having moments where, if I wasn't numb, it hurt to breathe. Where it felt like I had ceased to live and instead was watching the world go by me. To even having moments where I prayed I didn't have to wake up in the morning. What fueled a lot of this was being told that I had brought this on myself. That by waiting until I was 31 yrs old to expand my family, I had eliminated my chances. Or that I had done something in my life to deserve this pain. Worst yet was the guilt I felt for putting Grey through this hell. Even when he made it clear time and again that he would not leave me because of infertility and loss, I still felt I was robbing him of the happiness he deserved.

The painful reality of life is that with choices, there are things we must sacrifice. As someone who is still very career-driven, I am one of the first to champion women reaching for the stars and changing the world. After all, I've had the opportunity to work with side-by-side with women who are changing the way we think life and the world around us, all while inspiring so many who follow in their footsteps. The idea that we are somehow weaker or well intelligent simply because of our gender is truly dated. But Biology is still something we don't understand, even with the advances that have been made. We can't cheat fertility any more than we can cheat death.

I recognize that what I'm saying here will anger some. That some will point to examples in pop culture or share stories they've heard about women who had children well into their 40s. That my words will be seen as simply a scare tactic to dissuade so many promising young women from reaching for their dreams. This is not my intent. But it would be remiss of me to not speak out about the false-hope these companies are marketing. To question the ethics of the doctors and business who are advertising egg-freezing to healthy young women. To not share with all of you my story in hopes that it would spare someone from having to go down this road. Eliminating the fear of her never getting to hold her child in a moment of sweetness or having to wonder if it would ever be okay.

Tubes, PT and all things toddler

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, with lots of developments on the career front, family front and home front. All of which are topics one could easily write multiple posts about. So to preempt that, below is a bullet list of all that is happening. Feel free to pick through.

The Beats: I'm long overdue for an update, so here's what's been happening

• She-Beat started PT two weeks ago and already we're seeing a huge difference. The physical therapist quickly agreed that her severe dislike of being on her tummy has likely impacted her gross motor development. So we're working backwards, focusing first on walking and cruising, pulling up, then getting her on hands-and-knees and progressing to crawling. Even with only 2 session under her belt, our little girl is now VERY insistent on standing, pulling-up from a seated position and has started cruising. In addition, her therapist got her to climb 3 steps on the school play structure. She's clearly so proud! I'm still learning how to do the different techniques to help her, but her teachers at school have already been amazing with continuing her exercises. Fingers crossed for continued improvement!

• Speaking of movement, He-beat is WALKING! Grey and I now understand why they call kids at this age toddlers. Each day, he's becoming more and more confident, practically spiriting across the room. He-Beat's other favorite activity is climbing. Particularly stairs, but high-chairs, ledges on windows and anything with a ledge will do. He's already eyeing the slats in his crib....

• On top of the gross motor, both Beats have started talking. She-Beat is more advanced than her brother with this as she is up to 4-5 words (He-Beat is 2-3 words). Favorite words at the moment: "Up" "Daddy" "Daisy" "Star" "Jaxson" and "No." We're working on "Mama."

• Hugging and giving kisses has become a favorite for both kids. Not uncommon to see Grey with a big smile on his face returning those hugs, especially after a long, hard day at work.

• Finally, both Beats had surgery yesterday to have tubes placed in their ears. Quite an ordeal for a 5 minute surgery as they had to give both kids general anesthesia. This meant a whole morning of fasting for 2 toddlers and stopping liquids at 9 am (surgery happen at 12:30 and 12:45 pm). Through some minor miracle, both kids stayed in good spirits until the masks were put on. Both are still recovering, with lots of napping, bland food and tons of liquids. I truly hope to never have to go through an experience like that again.

Family: Despite opening up to my brother, I've been dropping the ball with outing myself to my family. Here's where we're at.

• Brief backstory: 3 years ago, following a diagnosis of infertility and 3 failed IUIs, my mom contacted Grey and me to ask us to adopt her sister's grandson. The state had recently pulled him from my cousin's custody for a second time and were looking for family to adopt him as they were looking into terminating parental rights. I learned later that my aunt's ex-BIL had offered to adopt him, which sent my aunt into a tizzy. The solution was to push Grey and me into the adoption, with the idea that when my cousin had finally got her acted together, she could simply take over raising him again. At that point, it became very clear that not only were we not going to be supported going into IVF, but my mom would always prioritize her siblings over her own daughter. I called my parents that evening and somehow maintained a civil conversation explaining why their wishes were not going to be honored. And then I said good-bye.

• Fast forward 3 years. Grey and I have decided that it is time to make my family aware of the Beats and reestablish a connection. But one with firm boundaries and a lot of distance. Step 1 was talking to my brother. Step 2 is drafting letters to uncles. The plan is to contact my parents' brothers and alert them to what is coming. The goal is to have 3 points of contact within the family (one on each side and my brother) prior to dropping the bomb on my parents. Problem is, writing these letters has been far more complicated than I originally thought. I've done one brain-dump and now need to edit. 

• The letter to my parents has been so hard to write. I'm still so angry with both of them about how they have treated me for the past 30 years. Through Dee and David, I've learned that it's all due to dysfunction that has spanned generations. Still, I'm struggling. I've been asked what type of relationship I want to have with them and I want them to have with the Beats. Quite frankly, I don't trust them in either regard and Grey and I have already agreed that they are not allowed alone with either of our kids for any reason. So for now, it's more of opening the channels and letting them know we're alive, doing well and are willing to talk. All the rest will need to be negotiated.

Other home-front news: I have a whole post drafted about the Pigeon Palace. But for now we'll focus on Fleur.

• On October 8th, she had a hearing with the county judge. I haven't had a chance to read the report, but from what little information I got from the lawyer, apparently the judge was very unsympathetic to her case or her family's. She was ordered off the property ASAP, with threats of jail-time if she failed.

• What this meant was that Fleur's 95 yr-old father hired movers to resolve this. She fired them, which meant her 73 yr-old sister had to step up and negotiate moving her. There was a lot of back-and-forth for the next couple of weeks, with Fleur clearly very agitated about the whole situation. 

• Late last week, we learned the sheriff would be on the property to do a lock-out. Fleur was alerted. Two days later her car disappeared from the property. We learned a few days after that that she had vacated the property.

• Since vacating, I've followed up with Adult Protective Services. Fleur qualifies for assistance and mental health treatment, but until proven incompetent no one outside her family could request this for her. With her forced eviction, the state now considers her incompetent and are intervening. The case worker sighed heavily when I talked with her, emphasizing the fact that so much hardship could have been prevented if the family had stepped forward to seek out these resources. That though mental illness is difficult to manage, there is help ranging from low-income housing, access to assistance and even assigned caseworkers. Needless to say, I'm still far from happy about how all of this went down.

Career:

• The short and the long of it is I'm currently teaching part-time and loving being back in the classroom. My students, though young, are thoughtful and engaging. It's been fun working with them.

• What I'm not liking is how temporary faculty are treated. There's been a lot of broken promises, last-minute demands and failure to provide important information. All of which is negatively impacting my students. It sucks that people in administrative capacities treat temporary faculty so poorly as it is clear the system absolutely requires them to function.  

• On top of all of this, I've been job-hunting. Both Grey and I are at transition points and are looking for the next steps. With the funding environment being the way it is, though, so many scientists are either struggling or completely abandoning their careers for options that won't break them. It's a frustrating time as there's a clear need to not only inject the whole system with money so important, life-saving research can happening, but also to completely overhaul the whole system so that those doing research and making advances can actually survive. Anyway, as stupid as it sounds, we've both been applying for faculty positions, corporate positions and looking into longer-term options. 

• Finally, I was invited to meet with a group of high-school girls to talk about pursuing careers in STEM. I almost fell over laughing. Fordes magazine recently ran an article listing Biology and Chemistry as no. 8 & 9 worst career options and majors. Computer science, engineering and physics? Awesome choices. But anyone pursuing biomedical research is considered a sucker. I'm debating about whether to go. 

#MicroblogMonday - It started with a text

It started with a text. A simple "hey, how are you?" I hadn't heard from my brother since Christmas, when the usual pleasantries were exchanged. After a brief back-and-forth, he asked if I was available to talking the next night. Simply to catch up and see how things were going.

But Grey and I knew this was something more. An opening that we had been waiting for. So after my brother called and he updated me on life and its usual drama, I made the decision to tell him all. All about the last 3 years, including IVF, our losses, the pain and uncertainty. And finally about his niece and nephew.

And with that decision, the flood gates have been opened. The wheels of reconnect are turning and a plan is in motion. Today I need to finalize letters and make a plan for mailing. So much to think about. So much uncertainty.

I'm so scared.

Rise

Tonight is the Wave of Light.  As with past October 15ths, today has been a solemn one filled with emotion and many moments of quiet. The pain of those losses still very real as it was two years ago.

But this year is different. Whereas before, where there was fear of losing the dream of being a parent, this year I find myself being allowed to remember those good moments before the trauma hit. The quiet happiness that came with finally seeing for BFPs and allowing myself to be pregnant. Even if just for a moment.

This morning, after feeding the Beats and consoling them following a rough night of sleep due to vaccinations, I was greeted with a song by Eddie Vedder I had never heard before. How easily the tears came, but instead of sharp pain of grief came a wave of healing. A knowledge that though I will always ache for those 6 potential babies that we lost too soon, there is also the knowledge that I now have the strength to honor them.

To all my brothers and sisters in loss, I wish you peace and healing today. May the wave of light envelop you and may you find peace in the knowledge that our babies lost too soon live on with all of us.

Those two things

A few years ago, as I was near the end of my graduate training, I had a rare conversation about finding balance in life with my graduate mentor. The conversation was sparked by a group of graduate students and postdocs meeting with a speaker who was visiting to talk about her research. During the back-and-forth about the data from a recent paper, a newer assistant professor came into the room to say "hi" to the speaker, wearing her newborn son. What was suppose to be a quick chat, turned into both women sitting in the middle of the room doling out life advice about how to balance all the craziness that comes with pursuing a career in science. It was a discussion that my graduate advisor would continue with me and another graduate student later that afternoon and well into the evening.

The advice was simple. In order to be successful in life, you have to pick two things to focus on. Be it family, career, social life or a certain hobby. Because the reality was, in their opinion, that in order to do things well, you have to devote yourself. And there is only so much one can be devoted to.

I remember being shocked when I heard this. Especially from this group of highly-intelligent, well-respected women. The feminist ideal on so many levels. And yet the advice they were giving was completely contradictory to what had been drilled into my head for over 20 yrs. That it wasn't possible to be everything and anything I put my mind to. That in order to find balance, some things would have to fall to the wayside.

I've been reflecting on this conversation a lot recently, given that there has been a lot of change in the Cristy-Grey household. A couple of weeks ago, I started teaching again at one of the local universities, be it on a part-time basis. Two days out of the week, the whole family is packed up and commutes to work/school for a few hours, during which time I get to wear the hat of "professor." The other three days I play the role of SAHM, filling my days with trips to the library, walks to local parks, doctor's visits and unscheduled playtime. Nap times are spent grading, preparing lectures and applying for permanent positions as well as dealing with the usual grown-up logistics. In short, I'm far from bored.

The thing is, though, as I reflect on my life pre-TTC, during TTC and now, things are so drastically different. The life I knew before was one where I had substantially more free-time and one that was much less structured. The idea that there would be only two things I would be focusing on seemed ludicrous.

But now....

On a lot of levels I'm struggling with this idea that we only get two things in life. Some of it is due to this feeling of inadequacy that I'm truly unable to do everything I set my heart to. But there's also quilt that goes with this too. Unlike before, where I had both time and energy to nurture friendships, pursue hobbies, broaden my mind and explore the world, I feel almost autistic with my focus. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact there is so much change happening within my world. Change in big things that will not only benefit my family, but will lead me to the goals I've held in my heart for so long. But it's hard not to pine after what is being lost in the process.

Grey and I have been talking about this more and more, particularly with application deadlines looming. On one hand, he's not had to deal with certain aspects simply due to his gender and how society views his position in the world. But on others, he is struggling too, feeling older and more grumpy with his daily dealings. Part of it he blames on age and becoming a grown-up. The other part we're both still trying to figure out.

I have no regrets about the choices I've made in life. Granted, there are moments I wish would have turned out differently, but I know ultimately each of those decisions lead me to where I am today. Still, I'm struggling with this idea of only getting two things. Struggling to find that other things I value so much are going to the back-burner. And wondering how others do it.

#MicroblogMondays: All about Babypants

I did a terrible thing last week. Following something that started out so innocent about a month ago. Our family had just learned of a new children's songwriter and had been exploring his music. And it had been going over well with the Beats and Grey too. One afternoon, during a moment where they were melting down, I decided to look for some music videos. And in that moment when both toddlers became glued to the computer screen, I knew I was screwed.

They are officially all about the Babypants.

Feel free to join the insanity.

For a little heart

I do have a post for #MicroblogMondays, but this one is more important.

This is a call to all NICU moms and moms of children who have had to undergo heart surgery. Particular kids who have been diagnosed with Ventricular Septum Defect (VSD). If you or someone you know has any experience with this condition, please go visit Toni and share your story. Her daughter Lilah has been diagnosed with this condition and they are preparing for the first of multiple surgeries. It goes without saying that Toni is worried sick about all of this and is looking for information. Please take a moment to offer her what support you can.