tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post8296205933706633893..comments2023-04-04T07:26:09.997-07:00Comments on Searching for our silver lining: FesterCristyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-57808898404016497622018-01-08T09:41:52.577-08:002018-01-08T09:41:52.577-08:00I completely agree with Infertile Phoenix's ob...I completely agree with Infertile Phoenix's observations about lower expectations. She's incredibly wise. And, honestly, if we were in the thick on interacting I think I would use this advice. The problem is rooted in it being after the fact and having had zero direct contact. I'm being asked to try with knowledge that I will be expected to apologize. Frankly, I really don't want to go that route. <br /><br />But I'm also likely thinking too much into this. I agree that the root of this started with having higher expectations. Now it's more the aftermath of having been burned.Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-18250440349151246792018-01-06T22:37:58.778-08:002018-01-06T22:37:58.778-08:00Such a hard situation. It's difficult when peo...Such a hard situation. It's difficult when people are insensitive and won't even try to understand where you are coming from. It is amazing to watch our kids play with their cousins and the bond that they have. Hopefully through time, you all will be able to find a peaceful middle ground. Good luck to your husband and his interview.Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16507432917936364757noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-34103842310856757172018-01-06T11:01:16.330-08:002018-01-06T11:01:16.330-08:00Wow that’s tough. I don’t have much to add to your...Wow that’s tough. I don’t have much to add to your insightful comments and those of others. I know however I would find it hard to be friends with someone who didn’t have the imagination to try to see how miserable infertility can be, even if they couldn’t directly relate to the challenges. It seems to me the options are to either ignore the matter and try to build a relationship anyway,which doesn’t sound like it would work very well for you. Or maybe there’s a way to talk about the past that’s neutral enough that it wouldn’t start a fight. Which sounds hard but probably more honest.torthúilhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07738803052167620020noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-38704120932044606022018-01-05T20:16:44.002-08:002018-01-05T20:16:44.002-08:00Though I don't know all the back story, you...Though I don't know all the back story, you've said that you can acknowledge that none of their actions were intended to hurt you. That's a good place to start, and well done on getting there.<br /><br />I'm wondering what the barrier is. You've said you've agreed "to not actively fight and to be civil." Can that be enough? Not to be best friends, it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen. But to be able to thaw relations, be civil and even surface-friendly to each other, and to free yourself from the resentment, which can be crippling.<br /><br />Have you read Infertile Phoenix's post on Lowering Expectations? https://infertilephoenix.blogspot.co.nz/2017/12/lower-your-expectations.html<br /><br />I have some other comments, partly about relationships with my BILs' wives. I'll think on them and might email you.Malihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03928262526502319303noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-24440795571109916882018-01-05T15:22:21.612-08:002018-01-05T15:22:21.612-08:00I would never expect anyone to completely understa...I would never expect anyone to completely understand what we've been through (because really, who can, unless they've experienced something similar themselves?). But I like what Lori LL said about a bridge having two entrances. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want at least some simple acknowledgement that the past few years have been difficult for you too. (((hugs))) loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-49320880743095954252018-01-05T06:21:17.640-08:002018-01-05T06:21:17.640-08:00I agree with others that there is so much behind b...I agree with others that there is so much behind being seen and acknowledged for your experiences, for what's shaped you, and when that is ignored or glossed over it's incredibly painful and hard to recover from. I'm sorry for all the hurtful comments (umm, wtf, Cristy's mom?!?!) and the inability to see your situation for the mass of trauma that it is. You're friends who sent flowers... Those are gems. Those friends who really get it are amazing. I'm sorry the family side of things is so painful! Sending you love.Jesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15868505568965284742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-40672976231487554662018-01-03T05:46:46.195-08:002018-01-03T05:46:46.195-08:00Like Lori said, being seen and acknowledged is suc...Like Lori said, being seen and acknowledged is such a huge, powerful thing. It's really, really hard when you are both coming from such incredibly different places to find the common ground and understanding. You did deserve better from them and that should be acknowledged. <br /><br />I totally relate to this post - partly the "parenting infertile" part (because I am a parent only by the most extraordinarily bizarre set of circumstances), but also being on the "bat-shit crazy in-law" list right now. It sucks. And I hear you. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-69611911497989740952018-01-02T19:13:09.943-08:002018-01-02T19:13:09.943-08:00Being acknowledged and seen and understood is so p...Being acknowledged and seen and understood is so powerfully healing. Maybe Grey could do some bridge-building on the Lucas/Moon side and try to get them to see/understand what you've been through. A bridge has two entrances, not just the one on your side.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-38830189652414562692018-01-02T17:42:42.691-08:002018-01-02T17:42:42.691-08:00"That gesture and acknowledgement made it pos..."That gesture and acknowledgement made it possible to move beyond the initial hurt and be supportive of them as they entered parenthood." - perfectly expressed. I'd been trying to figure out why I'm perfectly happy, even joyful for some friends' news while others, I can't handle and you hit it exactly.<br /><br />Family being family, I feel like one half-assed solution is to be polite and not acknowledge anything and spend time for the sake of the cousins knowing each other. But.. yeah, not ideal. Also requires basically burying your feelings.countingpinklineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13383905256508822573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-47787266174235657732018-01-02T10:36:56.734-08:002018-01-02T10:36:56.734-08:00YES! This total sense! And gets to the heart of wh...YES! This total sense! And gets to the heart of why I've been struggling. Damn, that's a theme and you've hit the nail on the head.Cristyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04317873211902543387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4129722175911979282.post-41401013655254380732018-01-02T10:32:47.447-08:002018-01-02T10:32:47.447-08:00This is the phrase that stood out to me: "an ...This is the phrase that stood out to me: "an infertile who is parenting." I see myself in the same way, and I didn't have the words before this. (That's just a side note.). They're important because part of this is also that people haven't seen you as you see yourself. Your friend acknowledged the IF when they sent the flowers; an act that not only said "I'm so sad, too" but "I see you as you." Whereas it's hard to wrap our brains around reaching out/spending time with/etc people who don't see us as we see ourselves. Does that make sense?Melhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07705921733157075632noreply@blogger.com