Short post today. My mind is racing and putting together coherent thoughts has been very difficult.
Here's why: apparently I'm still "pregnant."
On Sunday, Grey and I received the news that my HCG levels were down from 124 to 91. Dr. Practical suggested that it was a chemical pregnancy and that I should stop the meds. I pushed for one more beta to verify this (I'm a biologist and I like to see trends). Tuesday morning ultrasound showed some blood in my uterus. Dr. Sage was pretty convinced that I would start bleeding that day and that we would be reassessing in two weeks.
Then I got the phone call that evening. It's never a good sign when your RE starts the conversation with "there are days when this job really isn't easy." Take home message: HCG levels were back up to 119. Another beta scheduled for Thursday. I'm ordered to stay on medications. Mourning has been put on hold.
I'm pretty sure that everyone believed that I would be bleeding by now and that the next beta would level off or drop. Imagine all the new confusion when, today, we learned that my HCG levels are at 300.
Let me be clear: no one is celebrating at this point. There's a lot of doom and gloom, with my medical professionals preparing me for the worst. There's the very real possibility that me being "pregnant" means the only thing that is growing is placenta (blight ovum). So I may have to have a D&C (tentatively scheduled for Monday). Then there's the all so fun possibility of an ectopic.
But the other possibility is that I only lost one embryo. That the other one implanted late and is now growing. This is something that is talked about after the fact, because it's rare. Add to the fact that Grey and I have learned that HCG isn't really a great indicator for how the pregnancy is progressing (think PSA tests for prostate cancer), but it's the only early marker we currently have, and that adds a whole new level to the anxiety mix.
I want an answer. "No" hurts, but at least I get to grieve and have some closure. Limbo is it's own special hell and Grey and I are beginning to wonder what we did in out past lives to deserve this.
Beta #6 is on Saturday.
Oh man. What the hell.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a molar pregnancy? Can they do an ultrasound to see if they can see anything? I know I got an u/s around 6 weeks.
I am so sorry this is happening. You just want an answer and no one can give it to you.
I'm thinking of you and hope for the best.
MissC
This post makes me happy! Given my news today I need to know that there are still success stories out there. I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for you!
ReplyDeleteOMG I'm so confused. Will you have another u/s? I will remain hopeful for you!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. I was in limbo for about 10 days during my last miscarriage and you're absolutely right. It's its own special kind of hell.
ReplyDeleteCould it be an empty sac (blighted ovum)? My betas kept going up when I had one.
I am hoping for the best for you, that embryo #2 implanted late. I'm hoping at least that this will resolve quickly for you.
Hang in there! It isn't over until it is over. I can imagine the waiting and not knowing is horrible, but don't give up yet. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteLimbo is so taxing. I'm sending you good thoughts and am hoping for the best.
ReplyDeleteWhat an absolute horrible situation you are in. I will continue to hope and pray for good news.
ReplyDeleteYes, as I mentioned there's the strong possibility of a blight ovum (only placental cells are growing).
ReplyDeleteNeither of the REs or Grey and I think it's a molar pregnancy, as we know we transplanted embryos that were not double-fertilized. That would make the situation only worse, as I would have to go through chemotherapy after the D&C.
So wish you weren't going through this. But maybe it will be worth it in the end if you get good news! Praying for a miracle!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, what an emotional roller coaster. Praying that you'll find some peace today and some answers tomorrow. You're in our thoughts!! xoxo
ReplyDeletewhoah. Um, I am hoping this is great news. I know you are being cautious with your emotions, though. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteHow terrible you must be feeling right now! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully if this isn't a viable pregnancy it will be resolved soon so that you aren't in too much physical pain. But if this is a viable pregnancy I hope it will show itself soon.
ReplyDeletei understand exactly how ur feeling right now, u just wanna knw whats going on already...isthat too hard to ask? thinkin and praying that it sorts itself out.
ReplyDeleteBeing in limbo is the worst. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteOh how awful. I was in limbo for 2 weeks when I m/c and it was terrible. Well, I am going to hold some hope for you, until I am told otherwise. Miracles do happen...
ReplyDeleteHey Cristy, could you send me your email? Been thinking of you.
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