It's confirmed: Pregnancy is not viable. We had our ultrasound today and I should be 5w5days pregnant if everything is normal. Instead we saw a very small gestational sac that measured under 4 weeks. Dr. Sage and Dr. Optimism agree on the diagnosis: blighted ovum. Medication has been stopped. I have a D&C scheduled for Wednesday.
I'm numb from all of this. Part of me wants to be angry and bitter over all of this. To scream at everyone who told me coming up to this moment that everything would be fine and that I simply needed to relax. But the other part of me is simply at peace because the roller coaster from last week is now over. Grey and I will move forward with our plan; we will try again with our other 6 embryos. And though we don't know the outcome of this plan, we do know that we will expand our family. For now, we have some closure.
The other question I'm struggling with is whether this is actually a loss. I hurt so much right now because I wanted this baby, but in truth we didn't get very far with this pregnancy. We never saw a heartbeat; an image of a fetal pole. It's more like the loss of an idea instead of the loss of something that was real. Because of this, I feel guilty for even grieving, for calling this a miscarriage. Because I know so many of you have lost your babies, experienced the pain of no longer seeing your baby's heartbeat.
So this is my weird goodbye to this baby. My tribute to my child who I will never hold in my arms. Your father and I loved you and will always love you. We both wish today would have been different, that a miracle would have happened. Instead, all I can say is I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you and help you grow. That I couldn't bring you into this world. You will always be in our hearts.
I am sorry it ended like this. You are no longer in the limbo waiting to see what would happen.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry it happened like this for you. Im glad you have some piece of mind. You are in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this pregnancy isn't viable. No matter how far along you or anyone else is in their pregnancy, a loss is a loss. You wanted this very much and for it to not happen, that is a loss! I am sorry for your loss. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry hun. I've been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry it ended this way for you. I am glad it ended, I just wish it had turned out different. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know how much the loss of an idea can hurt. But you also lost an 'almost' baby - an embryo that was half you and half your hubby. That is a loss to me or a miscarriage. The egg was fertilized and was on it's way to being a child. So yes, I do believe you have every right to be sad and grieve. I think of my 3 frostie-babies and children already.
ReplyDeleteI will add your embie baby to my list of angel children to be honored with a tree planting. I will be sending in my donation today.
Again I am so sorry.
MissC
I am so sad for you. I've been lurking here a while and hoping that it would all turn out well for you. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteThis is absolutely a miscarriage. You knew you were pregnant and your world changed. And then you lost your baby. And now you'll grieve for all the might-have-beens and should-have-beens. No guilt, ok?
Hugs
Kirsten
I'm sorry that it had to end this way without a take home baby. This is a miscarriage and similar to the first pregnancy I had in 1996 when I was on clomid for the first time. I too had to have a D&C.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to vent I'm always willing to listen. Sorry for your loss.
The loss of an idea is still a loss. I can only speak from my perspective, and you know where I've been. Please hear me when I say, your grief is not less than mine. The moments may have been different, but the love was no less.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you leading up to Wednesday and all that you will go through that day and beyond.
I'm so sorry. :( My heart hurts for you. This is certainly a loss for you and your husband and take all the time you need to grieve. I'm am really relieved for you though that at least you have an answer and the limbo is finally over. *big big hugs* Lots of love to you both.
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy, again I am so sorry. I felt a similar thing with my loss, like we didn't really lose a child, but we lost the idea of a child. I wrote about it on my blog. As time went on, it began to feel more like we did lose a child. Like on Mother's Day and Father's Day and certain milestones and thinking about how old he/she would have been. I have a friend who also got pregnant around the exact same time and as wonderful as it has been to watch him grow up but also pangs to know my child would have been the same age. It does always stay with you but I promise it won't hurt forever. Take care of yourselves and take your time. So much love.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry it happened this way. A loss is a loss and you grieve how ever you need to. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis sucks! Sorry for the roller coaster!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had to go through this. Given the roller-coaster, you may not have been totally invested in this pregnancy, but it is DEFINITELY a loss. Just a question - why are they going strait for a D n C? I had a blighted ovum in October and was perscribed Misoprostol to induce the miscarriage. It was easy! (I also had a misoprostol induced miscarriage in June for a fetus measuring 9.5 weeks - that wasn't so easy). May save you the pain of surgery where you can just relax at home with a heating pad! You wont even notice passing of anything - would be more like a heavy period.
ReplyDeleteHope everything turns out okay though!
*HUGS!!*
I am so sorry for your loss. I felt a lot of guilt for grieving when I had a blighted ovum, too. Even the term "blighted ovum" sounds like a fake pregnancy, like your egg wasn't even fertilized, even though it obviously was. I eventually gave up the guilt of thinking of that loss as an actual baby and mourned it fully.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that at least you are able to get in for a D&C soon. Waiting to miscarry is an awful feeling and it will be good to get past that point.
I'm so, so sorry, again.
I am so sorry for your loss. I do think it is a loss... not just an idea. Grieve and do what you need right now. Sending you lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteThat song made me cry.
Cristy I'm so sorry for your loss. But don't feel guilty for grieving. We were in love with our baby as soon as the nurse gave us the news we were pregnant, and I know you and Grey were too. Sure, its the loss of an "idea" or "hope" of what should've been, but its more than that. I think this community can relate to that. No matter what stage the loss, it is a loss just the same.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry and i thought it was a beautiful tribute to your baby. Thinking of you today. Just know we're here for you. Sending you love. xoxo
Good luck today and I'm here anytime afterwards if you want to talk. I so wish neither of us had to go through this but at least we are not alone. *big big hugs* to you.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and Grey today and hoping that you find peace and are feeling ok.
ReplyDelete~Keisha~
Big hugs...I'm so sorry. And grieve away...that is healthy!
ReplyDelete