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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Hearts a mess

First off, thank you for all the wonderful comments on the last post. I needed them more than I knew. I'm still hurting from all of this, but slowly healing with each passing day. And a big part of that has to do with this community. Ladies, you are awesome.

The past few days, I've become more and more aware of the hole that exists in me. The years of failure topped with loss has left me questioning the process and what I want out of it. Mainly this idea of continuing treatments vs trying another path. Grey and I talked at length about all of this the other night, both agreeing that the hardest thing about this journey is not knowing what the outcome will be.

Last Sunday Grey and I had a phone conference with Dr. Optimism. Following my meltdown in the WTF appointment, we all decided it would be best to have a couple of weeks off to allow me to reset. During that downtime, I had a chance to do some reading and some thinking. The hope was to find some information or formulate a hypothesis for what had happened in order to determine how best to proceed. The two weeks after this were spent looking for any new research indicating that we had missed something. The end result: nothing.

My REs are making the best decisions based on all the information they have. They are doing everything that is medically indicated, if not more. If I was losing these pregnancies later on, then APA panels and looking at clotting disorders would be indicated. But I'm losing everything around 5 weeks. There is nothing in the literature about this. And it's so frustrating because I think we're missing something, but the only way to get at it involves doing research, getting at the basic biology of implantation failure. It's amazing how little we know.

But another thing has emerged from all of this, which is that we are quickly approaching the end of this journey and coming to the crossroads for the next paths. Grey and I have both weighed our options, looking at living child-free, choosing surrogacy, or pursing adoption. We've talked about adoption extensively, but it's always been a "when we get there" kind of thing. On the radar, but distant. Since the events of this month, though, things have begun to change. Adoption is no longer distant. And with recent signs, it's almost like it's meant to be.

Two nights ago, I awoke crying from a dream. In the dream, both Grey and I were in a hospital, surrounded by cries of women giving birth. Initially I was panicked, wondering why we were in this place when it was clear I was not carrying a child. Grey silently hugged me and then whispered "turn around." When I did, I found a women in white holding a small bundle. She walked towards me, beaming the whole way, and placed the bundle in my arms. Though I couldn't make out the face, I knew that this was our child. And as I pressed this small creature close to my heart, I could feel the hole inside me begin to fill. That it didn't matter where this child came from, because I already was in love with him/her.

Waking up was torture.

As I sit here and write, I'm very aware of the hole that exists in me. How empty I feel. I'm also completely aware that I have zero faith that this next FET will work. But I also know that if we don't pursue this that we can never really close the door on this chapter and move forward. Because I no longer have this image of my children having Grey's eyes and my nose.

My hearts a mess. How I long for the day when this hole is a distant memory.







16 comments:

  1. I totally teared up reading about your dream. It's really hard when to decide to pursue other options, but it sounds like the time "off" has done you both good. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. And if it is adoption; I hope it's smooth and quick!

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  2. Your dream brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain and I wish there was something, anything, I could do to ease it or fill that hole. I am sending you unending love and hugs. I wish you lots of rest and rejuvenation during your couple weeks off and I'm only an email away if you ever want to talk.

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  3. Thinking of you hon. I am sorry you are being put in this situation. To have to choose a path instead of embrace what we should all have a shot at. We all have to eventually make these choices and it's hard to know when to move on. But I think you are right about giving those embryos a chance. You just don't know how things will turn out. I think your trying this one last time is a good place to end this specific path. Third time's a charm my friend.

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  4. That is a wonderful dream. I've had many dreams like that that I didn't want to wake up from.

    Best of luck for your FET. There is always hope, right? :) And it is always good to be looking forward to keep from getting stuck.

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  5. My heart is with you. I had goosebumps reading your post and the tears were quick to follow! What a difficult place to be. To be at the point where all your dreams, hopes and expectations are laid bare before you and you are left to choose how to proceed. I love that you were given such an amazing dream...a glimpse, possibly into your future and what is in store for you. One day, that mother shaped hole within your heart will be filled. It will be GLORIOUS...and you are right...you won't care if they were your own or from someone else...all you will know is love. And that will be enough. Take care and sending HUGS.

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  6. That dream was amazing. I agree with you that the FET is the way to go...those are your embies and they deserve a shot. It sounds like you are in good hands, both with Dr. Optimism and Grey. I am sending you huge hugs and lots of positive, good luck vibes. Chat me up anytime!

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  7. Thinking of you. I'm sorry this is so hard for some of us. <3

    On the APA note...I have elevated antiphospholipid antibodies and natural killer cells. From what I understand, both of which can cause implantation dysfunction. I haven't had my levels checked for a year, but my clinic (different one than who diagnosed me) is having me take baby aspirin, dexamethasone (steroid), and I have myself on potent liquid fish oil (helps lower NK cells). If I get a bfp, I will stop the baby aspirin and switch to Lovenox (blood thinner). The baby aspirin and Lovenox help to keep the antiphospholipid antibodies under control. Could you maybe ask about those treatments? It can't hurt to add them to the mix, and may really help.

    Feel free to email me if you want to chat.

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  8. My heart hurts for you. But what an amazing dream! I can understand why you wouldn't want to wake up. To be handed the one thing you want so badly. I wouldn't want to wake up either. Back to the horrible reality.

    Praying this FET makes it happen.

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  9. I seriously have chills and tears in my eyes right now. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be a mother Cristy. Sometimes life doesn't happen the way we expect it to, but you will have the life you have always dreamed of, I know it. And that child, no matter how it comes to you, is going to be so lucky to have such loving parents.

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  10. Your dream made me cry, but a happy cry because it gives me more hope for you. Hoping and praying this FET works.

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  11. I want so much for your hole to be filled with the joy and love of growing your family. I know it will be someday, somehow.

    You are so strong and thoughtful. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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  12. I hate that you've had to endure so much pain on this journey and that you're still living in the thick of it. Words seem inadequate in offering comfort, but just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

    I know that someday, somehow, you WILL be holding your baby in your arms.

    *hugs*

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  13. I'm hoping that if you do pursue adoption that it won't be long before you are holding your child.

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  14. That was a lovely dream. I feel in my heart that you and Grey will have a family. xoxo

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  15. Such a beautiful dream... and my heart aches for you and all you've been through to wake up. Hopefully it's a sign of what's to come in your life and that your love for your future child/ren will guide you onto the right path for you. Hang in there... we're all here for you and know how brave and compassionate a woman you are xoxo

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  16. What a sweet, wonderful dream. It *will* be a reality one day. Thinking of you.

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