Been here before

Transfer day. A day that everyone going through IVF/FET waits for with baited breath. Since my last miscarriage, I haven't really allowed myself to think about this day. Partly because I've been grieving the loss of my last pregnancy. Partly because I've been scared to think there could be a different outcome. Over the weekend, both Grey and I have struggled with finding hope for the cycle; seeing a positive outcome. Grey especially has had a hard time, since a co-worker recently gave birth and now his workspace is filled with images of her and her new daughter. Happy for the co-worker, but in pain from the reminder of what we've lost.

On Sunday, a phone conversation with MissConception and reading Dandelion Breeze's recent post, snapped me back to reality. On a side-note, if you haven't already, go send these women some love. The news of Dandelion Breeze's most recent IVF/PGD cycle not working is heartbreaking. MissConception is still working through grief from the loss of M&A while trying to embrace her little Raspberry.  Both of these women are amazing and inspiring individuals, but they could use the extra TLC right now.

What I was reminded of (directly from MissConception, too) was that despite the grief of loss, there can be hope. Dandelion Breeze's suggestion of finding non-traditional therapies reminded me that despite the fact that nothing is really changing during this FET on the medical end, there have been lots of chances for this cycle. I started seeing Dee regularly to work through my grief. Grey and I started putting together our adoption plan. I started acupuncture (which I love!!!). This cycle is during summer break, meaning I'm a bit more relaxed. And Grey and I are on the same page. Even though we are both struggling, we are struggling together.

The end result of all of this was the realization that I needed to lower my guard and openly admit some things. I can't be continually steeling myself for the worst, as it will negate any possible good from coming from all of this. So Monday evening, I set out to prepare for this FET.

I started by sitting down and making a list of things I hope for. This may sound silly, but I've spent a lot of time focusing on what I fear. Fear of a BFN or another miscarriage. Fear of never being able to carry a child to term. Not once since April have I allowed myself to be hopeful for this cycle.

The truth is, I want this cycle to work. As much as we've been preparing for adoption (a route we now know we will be taking no matter what), I want to carry Grey's child. I want my embryos to survive the thaw and to become pregnant, but I want more than a BFP. I want to see a heartbeat, to watch my belly grow, to have my husband hold this body while it is carrying his child and ultimately to see a baby with Grey's eyes and my nose.

In addition, I started doing things to help my body prepare. I quit caffeine when I started the Crinone (for some strange reason, progesterone makes being caffeine-free easier for me), I started the Circle+Bloom program again, I've been loading up on water to counter the effects of the Doxycyclin and I bought a pineapple. Actually, I bought two. Grey used the first one to make Pineapple stir-fry. I have no idea if pineapple actually helps with implantation, but pineapple is in season so it can't hurt.

I've also been trying to distract myself. Reading has helped with this and I need to pick up my knitting today. The night before the FET, I made pies. Probably not the best activity at 10 pm the night before FET, but I needed a distraction.

Strawberry Rhubarb with a buttermilk pie crust

And finally, I packed Polaris. I no longer care what people think about me carrying this bear.

My security blanket

Tuesday was a packed day. My first acupuncture appointment was at 9 am, so Grey and I were up early to make sure I had everything that I would need for the day. Following the appointment, which helped relax me like never before, we stopped by a local French bakery to pick up some tarts for the clinic staff. After working with all of them for so long, I figured we were long overdue for a thank you gift.

And then it was time to go downstairs to prep for the transfer.

Socks from Tami-Scrabble at Submerged. Everyone got a kick out of them

Finally, the embryologist was ready with her report. And to my astonishment, we learned that our two 3AB embryos had survived the thaw and one had been upgraded! So we were transferring a 4AA and 3BB.
*No photos this time. The University decided the clinic does not need a camera to photograph embryos.


The rest of the day was spent promoting implantation. Following the second acupuncture appointment which was immediately after the transfer (and which I managed to sleep through), I spent the rest of the day on the couch trying to out-sleep my nurses.

Movement is not an option

Today I'm home again, taking it easy. Despite everything else I *should* be doing, MissConception words of wisdom of "being a Mommy to these snowbabies" has been foremost on my mind. And with the news that they managed to survive despite the odds, I'm taking it as a sign that I need to do my part and give them every possible chance.

Somehow, someway, I'm finding hope again. Despite the fact that we've been here before, I'm praying for a different outcome.