Drama queen. The urban dictionary defines this as: 1) an overly dramatic person; 2) someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal or blows things out of proportion when ever the chance is given; 3) an annoying bitch who always feels like every insignificant problem in her day is a disaster of Hurricane Katrina proportions.
The warning for definition '3' is 'if you value your sanity, avoid these psychic vampires like the clap or you'll never have a minute's peace.'
I've been feeling like a drama queen as of late, with the events from this last year allowing me to reach new and exciting heights. Initially I was doing a good job of justifying the drama, assuring myself that what I'm dealing with isn't a minor and definitely life-changing. Still, I'm burning myself out. And I'm worried I've beyond burned Grey out.
To counter act the all of this, I've been working closely with our therapists. With each EMDR or marriage counseling session, I find I'm emerging not as a calm and collected individual, but one that is rattled. I'm also struggling as we reprocess memories and emotions, restructuring the way I deal with stress and pain. A lot of this has to do with me not believing that I'm justified in my anger over everything that has happened, mainly because of my inherit believe that I'm cursed. Still I'm trying. But, damn, it's hard.
There was one particular session that stuck with me, though, that has been giving me something to work towards. Dee was talking about her son and how she parents. As I told her my fear of repeating the cycle of abuse with my own children, Dee looked at me and validated my fear. How most people will fall back into patterns that their parents taught them during their childhood. That, as good as our intentions may be not to be like our parents, we inherently will because that's what we know. And that breaking such patterns requires rewiring our brains to eliminate them. In short, it's not as easy as we like to believe.
Hearing this gave me some hope. Grey and I have been working very hard to heal and break dysfunctional patterns. The progress has been slow, though, and both of us have been discouraged by this. To have Dee (and later David) validate how hard this is made me like less of a failure.
I guess the point of all of this is I'm trying to break the drama queen trend. Failing daily, but trying. Hopefully I'll get to the point that I'm no longer avoided like the clap.
I will be very honest with you Cristy. There have been times in my life that for one split second I have almost stepped over that line of my abusive, beating childhood. I was so angry, but I stopped and took a breath and then realized it was something I was NOT going to do. I know this all makes me sound pretty crappy as a mom. But, my 15 year old daughter is a pretty amazing kid and she knows the struggles I went through as a single mom.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand the fear you have of repeating the past. You may have moments but you will work through them :)
I totally get where you're coming from. I believe that the first step to avoiding these patterns is to recognize that you're aware they exist and are conscious of your fear of repetition. I think you're leaps and bounds ahead of most of society in terms of acknowledging what went wrong and what you don't want to repeat for your own children. You're going to be a great mom.
ReplyDeleteEMDR works for some but not all. Two people close to me have tried it for several sessions and it didn't help them at all. Really talk therapy itself is probably better.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could ever think of you as a drama queen! You have been through hell and you are doing only what we all can do - your best. Try and be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe amount of work and dedication you have done is amazing. And still, I feel like it is so much more. The easy road is to float: no therapy, no relationship work, no analyzing or trying to change- less pain all around. You did not decide to take the easy road Christy- and that alone is reason to keep your head held high.
ReplyDeleteYou are trying, and as far as I can tell, you're making progress. No one can ask more of you than that. All relationships take work, and I admire the fact that you're putting in the hard work now, for your current relationship and for your future children.
ReplyDeleteCristy, I'm so sorry for how rough the past couple of weeks have been since you returned from Boston. I can't believe you're now having to deal with physical safety issues at home. It's awful. Adding family drama to the mix must feel so emotionally exhausting.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for working so hard on yourself with Dee. I appreciate your honesty about your sessions with her. If anyone can break dysfunctional patterns, it's you. You are stronger than I think you realize.
I just have to say again--you were so awesome on the podcast! Loved hearing your voice.
You are working so hard hon! Rewiring is really difficult! It took me 3 years to get to rewire changing the way I deal with my Mom to a place that is healthier and it is still a daily struggle. Now I have to start working in depth to make sure I don't repeat the things I hate about how she raised me. It is so hard, but it can be done! If anyone can do it you can!
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