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Thursday, October 18, 2012

Episode 8 and learning about validation

First off, Episode 8 is live! This one we talk about Mo's dream of peeing on a digital HPT (apparently I haven't lived), Shelley's good news, Keiko's big news and FB and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And, of course, we rant.

The week has been an exhausting one. I had the day off Monday and originally intended on spending the weekend catching up on grading and finalizing some drafts of fellowship applications. Instead, following the blow-up on Sunday, I found myself in too much of a haze to do anything. So instead of being productive, I made my way to Puget Sound to take a remembrance walk.



Being by the water calmed me and it wasn't long before I became lost in the rhythm of the waves and rustle of the leaves. And with all of this, I began to remember those few happy days of pregnancy. Those few moments where all was right with the world.

It wasn't long before this peace gave way to the tears. The grief of still feeling so lost and alone in all of this.

Just when I thought I would be lost in my grief, I felt something plop up next to me. And when I turned, the hot tears in my eyes were quickly lapped away by the tongue of a black and white cocker spaniel. He was quickly joined by his golden-colored sister and instantly my tears were replaced with a giggle of surprise.

As their caregiver shouted at them, they both inspected me. Finally giving me a look that seemed to say "better," they hopped off the log we were sharing and continued down the beach. It was in the moments that followed, watching both of them trot down the beach, that it became clear everything would be okay.

Last night, Grey and I met with David. The session was far from easy, as we are both so frustrated with each other and life. After listening to both of us pour out the chaos from the last couple of weeks, David finally spoke. What he noticed is that neither of us are feeling validated. That we both are spending so much time trying to explain our reasoning to one another that it makes it nearly impossible to actually hear what the other is saying.

He then proposed that we practice being curious. In addition to using "I" statements, allowing us to take ownership for our feelings (vs. "you" statements that are attacking and make us victims to the outside world), he want's us to begin exploring issues by asking questions. This concept was most certainly intriguing and one that I want to practice. Of course, it will require work and learning to step back from each situation. Hence, I don't know how effective it will be in daily life. But with Grey, I want to try. And as frustrated as he is with me, I can tell he's already trying too.

So, we're rebuilding. Pulling out the broken parts of the foundation and trying to replace those with stronger beams. We're filling the cracks and repairing the leaks. It's hard work, but I know in the end it will be worth it.

17 comments:

  1. It will so be worth it...good for you. Beautiful pics, too!

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  2. Hugs. Thinking of you guys. Any marriage that survives infertility is made of steel. You guys both sound like such strong, resilient people who truly love each other. One day at a time, you will each some sort of clarity individually and as a couple. I hope this time comes very soon for both of you.

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  3. Love the doggie story. Pups are the best healers. But I love hearing that you and Grey are pushing forward more. It will definitely be worth it. You two have been through so much together already. Big hugs.

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  4. They say dog is god spelled backwards for a reason.....I love dogs...mine especially make everything all better. I'm glad you were able to shed a few tears though as I'm sure it was good to get some of it out. The appt with David sounded good and I think being curious can really help. Thinking of you and sending you hugs!

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  5. I am so sorry you're going through all this at the moment on top of all your loss. The most important thing you can do is to keep talking to each other, even when it's hard and frustrating. Those puppies were looking out for you!

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  6. There's nothing quite like dog therapy. :)

    I know it's going to be tough, but I know you and Grey can work your way through this. You're both very committed and strong, and your love for each other is obvious.

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  7. Sounds like you're on the right track with Grey/therapy, which is really the most important thing right now. Just listened to the podcast; another great episode! Also, maybe this is a sign that you should get a puppy?? :)

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  8. I couldn't help but think about your two little lost ones sending those two precious pups in their place to be with you. I'm glad you and Grey are working together to put back the pieces. No one ever said marriage was easy but it's worth it.

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  9. You've been doing a lot of healing the last few days. Sometimes it can be easy and fun, sometimes draining and difficult. But you are healing nonetheless.

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  10. It won't be easy but the journey will be worth it. Wishing you the best with your rebuild.

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  11. I love that the dogs could bring you a smile when you needed it most. I hope that feeling remains.

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  12. Thinking about you and pulling for you, Cristy! Getting through a tough place in a relationship is just about the hardest thing in the world, but if there is anyone who can move to that level of sensitivity, compromise, and willingness to let the past go you can. Those pics are really pretty.

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  13. I'm so glad you two are working toward healing and understanding. And that you have David and even those sweet dogs to help get you through. Thinking of you.

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  14. Oh I am so happy you and Grey are trying to push through this and work on your relationship. You have what it takes and it will be hard, I know, but you are really headed in the right direction. I am so glad you got some more tools from David to practice and use as you move forward.

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  15. It's funny how animals have a way of knowing when we need them. I'm glad that your walk turned into something positive...another step in the right direction. I hope you and Grey are having a peaceful weekend together. Thinking of you.

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  16. I am glad that you both are trying. I believe you guys are worth it. xoxo

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  17. Nothing ever worth having is easy to obtain. At least that's what I tell myself, when I need to remind myself that in the end it will all have been worth it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    By the way, it's been years since I've seen Puget Sound (used to be stationed @ Ft. Lewis) but it's still a beautiful site.

    I found you via another blogger (Growing Griswolds) and ICLW.

    Big hugs,
    Bree

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