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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Necessary evils

CD who knows. BCPs are in full effect. Translation: I'm not sleeping. If I'm lucky, I'll get maybe 2-3 hours in before I find myself wide away. If I'm not so lucky, I'm awaking up after 2-3 hours shaking and crying from the nightmares. Vivid nightmares that I swear could be straight out of a horror movie. My acupuncturist has a theory that all of this is due to liver stagnation. My system is currently overwhelmed with trying to process the BCPs, in overdrive to reverse the effects. In short, it's a lossing battle with the only cure in sight being to get off suppression medication as soon as possible.

Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of swearing.

This last Monday, all the emotions from being overtired came to a head. Frustrated to be back in a medicinally-induced menopausal state with no guarantees of a different outcome, I had a meltdown in David's office. In my moment of weakness, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. That I'm tired of dragging Grey through all of this. That I wanted someone to give me a definite answer for all of this.

After allowing me to vent, David calmly put down his pen and told me something that helped calm me down: this FET is a necessary evil. No matter the outcome, Grey and I will finally have an answer that will allow us to move forward. That by not going through this we were stuck.

Here's the thing: I am a huge control freak. For too long, I've believed that I had more control over my life than I actually do. Case in point: graduate school. I remember telling everyone that I just needed to get in and everything would be okay because I was willing to work my butt off. Talk about being disillusioned. What I learned over the next 6 years of my life is that there's an element of luck involved with surviving the process. Sometimes projects flop, sometimes people get scooped, sometimes the messy asshole you're sharing space with gets something to work because they stumbled upon something that was completely unexpected. Hence, no control of how everything will turn out (and anyone who tells you otherwise is completely full of it). What I learned I could control was HOW I would react to failure and bad news. Experiment fail? I learned to pack up for the day and to get a good night sleep so that I could tackle everything while I was fresh. Or, I learned to take a walk, come back and formulate a game plan for the next step. When all else failed, I learned how to formulate a mini-presentation so that my advisor and I could tackle the issue together.

Unfortunately, I stil haven't completely embraced this approach while dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. That sometimes some of us have to run the obstacle course of treatments or the adoption process in order to expand our families. That these necessary evils are important for the process, even though it's completely unfair some of us have to shoulder more than we feel we can handle.

I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say I'm tired, I'm feeling less than optimistic, but I recognize that this is something we need to do. Maybe the point of all my bitching is to acknowledge that though I understand why we're doing all of this, I'm just tired of being so unlucky with all of this. Grey and I don't deserve this heartache and pain; this uncertainty. Hell, no one deserves this.

Here's to hoping our luck changes soon.

18 comments:

  1. Yes, fingers crossed that your luck changes soon. And in the meantime, I like the approach of viewing some of these obstacles as necessary evils. Now you don't need to dwell on the should I/shouldn't I's of it all. You just need to hang on for the ride. And what a rough ride sometimes. We'll be here cheering you on through all this hormonal craziness. Take care!

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    1. Thank you, Sass. It means so much to have your support. Hoping that the holiday session is a wonderful one for you and your family.

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  2. Cristy, you are so right. None of deserves the pain of infertility. I don't know why it is part of any of our journey. But I hope this FET brings you the baby your heart desires. Rooting for you!

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    1. I'm rooting for you too, Jessica. Wishing you all the best as you prepare for IVF!

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  3. {{{HUGS}}} that's about all I can offer here. You're doing what you have to do to get to the next level. It sucks. This whole thing sucks....but I'm hoping for you!

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    1. Thank you! I know you completely understand where I'm coming from. Hoping Raegan's 1st Christmas (technically 2nd, but still an important one) is nothing short of wonderful.

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  4. As difficult and uncertain as grad school can be, no one is physically making it harder to deal with by making you take hormones for arbitrary amounts of time. This process is hard enough already, and it seems cruel that the real emotions have to be topped by additional physical/emotional side effects. But you're doing the right thing, and you will have more information shortly. I'm sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way. xo, a

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  5. I know what you mean about being tired. I am so tired, fed up and bored with this journey now. It is exhausting. Make sure you look after yourself and have lots of treats and comforts over the holidays. You deserve to be pampered and to let yourself relax.

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  6. Yes to the necessary evils.. this is exactly how I feel about our cycle. Enduring it to exhaust the chances for a biological child.
    I'm so sorry you are struggling so, it doesn't make sense why it should have to be this hard. I wish you peaceful nights with more sleep to help getting through the days. Hugs.

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  7. You are doing everything in your power. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time. I want this to happen for you so badly.

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  8. Oh Cristy. It's ok to be mad at the cards you have been dealt. I'm tired too. So, so tired. However I hope that through this FET (and before and after) you can feel the troops rallying around you. We are here to support you and hold you up when you feel like you are falling. So lean my dear, lean on us and your husband. I promise you that we will never drop you.

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  9. I think you hit the nail on the head with deciding you can control how you react to the news, not the news itself. As a fellow control freak and Type-A'er, i soooo get this. Just try to take it one day at a time and hang in there.

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  10. I have this theory that infertility only strikes control freaks. I have absolutely no research to back this up, but my anecdotal evidence within this community is totally solid.

    I'm sorry you've hit the low in the rollercoaster. All your feelings are so totally valid, and being tired, angry, sad - all of it - makes perfect sense. Doesn't make it any easier though, and I'm sorry.

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    1. Love your theory, so true. Add me to your list of another control freak infertile.

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  11. When I first started reading this post, I thought the "necessary evils" were the BCPs! And they totally are!

    I think the hormonal roller coaster makes all of this so much worse. But you're doing what you have to do, and you will have an answer, one way or the other. I hope this road--rocky as it is--leads to your take home baby.

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  12. You do not deserve this at all. I hate that the BCPs are so awful for you. Insomnia is surefire way to make all your worries, sadness, and anger come to a head. This part will pass, Cristy, and I hope you don't have many days left of BCP hell. You WILL get through this.

    I'm thinking of you!

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  13. I'm sorry my friend. I know these drugs really mess with you and I wish you didn't have to go through this. Just keep in mind, like I do with pregnancy and M does with his treatment, that this too shall pass. The FET part only lasts a while - there is an end point. I know it sucks while you are in it, but you need this try. And we are here for you. Hugs!

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  14. I love how David put it -- a necessary evil. Indeed it is. All the things we do to ourselves are a necessary evil. I'm tired too and not feeling optimistic at all. But we have to hang on. David is right, after all this you will have an answer one way or another. Hang in there, my friend, and keep on truckin' one day at a time.

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