Back in 2011, I joined a mindfulness-based meditation group for those living with infertility. Grey and I were recently diagnosed and I knew that if I was going to make it through this experience with my sanity somewhat intact I was going to need help. Our group leader, Carol Knoph, is a fellow ALIer who resolved through adoption. Following her son's birth, she decided to train with Ali Domar in mind/body medicine for fertility and then started teaching courses to couples living with infertility/RPL in the Seattle area. It was through Carol that I met Dee and many of the tools I learned from this course I still practice daily. Needless to say, I'm still grateful for all her help and support.
It was from Carol that I first heard "if you want to be a parent, you will be." As someone newly diagnosed with infertility, both Grey and I took great comfort from this mantra. It helped calm the panic that would arise after each BFN and it gave me the courage to dive head-first into fertility treatments. Later on, after our losses, this mantra supported me again as I began to explore adoption. In short, it became a rallying cry of sorts. Something that I could use to support others who were also struggling on this journey.
But it wasn't until recently that I began to see the heartache this mantra could cause.
Yesterday, S.I.F. wrote a powerful post about the myth behind wanting something enough. If you haven't read this yet, I really encourage you to click over and read not only the post but also the comments section. For the most part, I found myself readily nodding along. And then I came to the quote she posted from the discussion on Facebook and I froze.
"I am empathetic to all of these concerns and difficulties. However, it is my belief that if you want to be a parent you will find a way. I am the momma of six one of whom is adopted."As S.I.F. dissected this comment and how it belittled those who made the decision to resolve by ending their journey towards parenthood, I found the tears readily flowing while I nodded along again. The whole time, I was chastising myself thinking "how could I have been so short-sighted?"
In July 2012, I was convinced Grey and my journey to parenthood was over for the time being. Following our third failed round of IVF, I knew my sanity could not survive another round of fertility treatments on the assumption of "bad luck." In addition, we had just learned that no adoption agency would work with us because we were considering relocating for our careers. "Get settled and we'll talk" was what we were told, usually followed by "You're still young! Don't worry you have time." It was during this period that I first picked up Sweet Grapes based on the recommendation by Lori Lavender Luz. After finishing the book in a couple of days, I turned to other resources, both blogs and Pamela Tsigdino's memoir Silent Sorority. What I quickly learned was that the decision to live "childfree" (which is actually a misnomer as people who chose this way to resolve have children in their lives in some way) were not simply giving up on their dreams of parenthood. Instead they were making a decision to live and to live well. But most importantly, their decision to get off the infertility rollercoaster was not because they didn't want children enough. Far from it: they loved their families so much that they refused to sacrifice them and themselves in an effort to chase a ghost. Needless to say, I still learn from these women who write about their experiences and insights. It was because of them that I knew one day I would resolve, but that I would resolve to live a full life, regardless of whether I succeeded in becoming a parent.
The truth is, as much as I wish each f you resolve by achieving parenthood, I also know that this isn't always the reality. Even for some who are open to adoption and expanding their family through this process, the reality is that simply going down this road will not guarantee success. Everyone's story is different and we all have obstacles that we will face differently in life. The any of us can hope for is to make decisions that will lead to outcomes that we can be at peace with.
Here's where I'm struggling. There is power in mantras, yet there doesn't seem to be one that applies universally for anyone on this journey. I know that early on in this journey I wasn't ready to hear "one day you will resolve and move forward from all of this." Similarly, I would never dream of telling someone who knows that adoption will not be their road to resolution that "if you want to be a parent, you will be." In short, the mantras that have helped me, calling me to rally I know will cause others so much pain. But I hesitate to cease using them altogether as I know that sometimes these simple phrases are the only source of light in the darkness.
Grey and I had a very long discussion about all of this yesterday. He was fast to point out that every mantra or rallying cry used for any trauma in life will inadvertently exclude a subset of the population (think anti-pink ribbons and the IV League, which is a support group for women living with stage 4 breast cancer). The thing is, though, the easy solution of stopping the mantras doesn't necessarily resolve this. By no means am I supporting the use of platitudes or simplified answers to the complexities of life, but I also know the power of mantras and how they've gotten me through these otherwise impossible moments.
Needless to say, my mind is still spinning from all of this. I wish the answer was clear, that there was one thing I knew I could always say or do to ease the pain caused by infertility/loss. Hell, I wish I had the cure for infertility and RPL; that I could ensure anyone who wanted to be a parent could be.
I love this post so much - especially your last sentence (AGREE!). It is far too easy, even within the most considerate sections of the ALI community, to consciously or unconsciously ignore or invalidate the realities that so many women (and men) live with, every day.
ReplyDeleteI've not purposefully worked with mantras much, but one thing I do find myself trying to work into my inner dialogue when things become overwhelming, both as we were working toward resolution and also now into parenthood, is: "No matter what happens, or doesn't happen, or how it all plays out, I can handle it. I am capable; I can trust myself." I don't know that it really eases any pain, but I have found it to be at least a little helpful, most of the time. Sadly I don't think there are any silver bullets here, obviously, but you raise several excellent points above.
This is a really interesting post. After reading Grey's post yesterday, I had many of the same thoughts you did about the "if you want to be a parent, you will be" mantra. It doesn't always work that way. I didn't want to be a downer and say that though. As someone who is still in the trenches, mantras do sometimes sound like platitudes even if they're not meant that way. But for others they really help. There's no clear answer.
ReplyDeleteYeah, we definitely had a long conversation about this one. You're absolutely right: for some people on this journey, parenthood will not happen. But that doesn't mean that you will live a life devoid of children. What I've been learning (and am still learning) is that if you want something and are willing to work for it, it can come to you just not always in the way that you imagined. For instance, I recently met a couple who have embraced the role of aunt and uncle after years of battling infertility. Though the children in there lives are not their biological children, the kids see them as their second set of parents. In addition, there are the stories of two amazing women, CDG and Tutti, who are now divorced after infertility/loss. As painful as these situations are, I've been watching both of them move on with their lives, building them the way they want them to be.
DeleteI wish I had the cure for everyone as well.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of wisdom. I think that there is no shame in sharing your mantra. The important thing is that you are able to see beyond how it works for you. You have the gift of empathy and that makes you a truly wonderful person.
My understanding of mantras is that it's not like visualizing or pursuing a goal. It's more about being present. Aware of your connection to the Divine. To access stillness amid storms.
ReplyDeleteSo for me, the mantras you list up top work as mantras but "if you want to be a parent, you will be" seems more of an affirmation.
I bet I keep thinking about this for awhile...
Argh!!! I was worried I was misinterpreting them. Damn my brain.
DeleteThanks for the clarification Lori. I think you're right that this falls into the category of affirmations.
Thanks, Cristy, for continuing to explore a wider range of thinking on the various infertility outcomes. As one who has always felt uncomfortable being labelled child free after infertility treatments failed, I very much appreciate those who consider how the "don't give up! It will happen" and "if you want it bad enough you will succeed" platitudes inflict added hurt and insult to an already painful experience.
ReplyDeleteJust read S.I.F.'s post. Yes, I was nodding my head along too. My biggest fear is that this is not going to work. That this IVF will fail. I know I am still early in my journey. But it doesn't stop the fear from coming. People always tell me, "It will happen, be patient." But they don't consider the fact that it may not.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this, Cristy! As someone who will likely resolve to live child-free if IVF doesn't work for us, I appreciate you writin this. I've often been left to question "do I want this bad enough" since I haven't wanted to consider adoption.
ReplyDeleteAnd your post Cristy (along with Leah's) helped stimulate yet another post -- mine -- on a public Forum. Welcome your (and Grey's) thoughts on how to make this an event that will resonate. ox, Pamela
ReplyDeleteI suppose that if you are determined enough & have enough money, you certainly can, eventually, become a parent, some day, some way, if you slog away at it. The question is, at what cost? I know people who spent six figures on fertility treatments, & eventually did have a child, but have been struggling financially ever since then. I know others who finally had the child they longed for, but the strain of infertility & loss cost them their marriage. There is no clear-cut answer that will apply to everyone -- it's up to each of us to decide what price we're willing to pay, and when the cost starts to get too high.
ReplyDeleteThis saying helped me in the beginning of treatments. That it will happen, and we will fight for it kind of spirit. A couple of years in and after our loss, I have cringed every time I have heard it. Still do. So I guess it can be a help for some, or for a time being. But no, it doesn't happen for everyone. There are limits, both emotional, physical and economic. And to stop treatments/adoption plans for any of those reasons, doesn't mean you don't want it enough.
ReplyDeleteNow, I'm off to read SIF's post.
Very interesting post! The only mantra I've had along this journey has been "Don't borrow problems from the future" (which one of my commenters posted, via her acupuncturist!), and I think it really would help anyone who is in the treatment process or even PAIL-ers. It's really just about living in the present and dealing with the problems you have, not ones you're afraid of having. But of course it's only human to fret about the future because it's just so freakin' unknown. Anyway, the great thing about mantras is that you can pick and choose (or create) your own -- because when other people instruct you to adopt a certain saying/affirmation or even a particular perspective on something, it's usually coming from a VERY subjective place.
ReplyDeleteWow, what an insightful, powerful post. I think that sometimes, mantras can be helpful and can ring with truth. Other times, they are just an easy thing to say when we don't know what else to say - a platitude. Like so many things - to each her own. Whatever helps us...helps us.
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