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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The perfect storm: dealing with surprise pregnancy announcements

In 2011, following a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, I joined a Mind/Body course that turned into a support group. The women in this class where at various stages in their journeys ranging from newly diagnosed (that was me) to having undergone and survived a failed round of IVF. After the course finished, the group decided to continue meeting as many were gearing up for their first rounds of IVF and having support from women who understood seemed essential. There were reasons I decided to leave this group. There was the Angie saga, where meetings started to revolve around her continual life drama mingled with her insensitivity when discussing her pregnancy. There was frustration with organizing meetings and keeping things on track. But ultimately what sealed the deal for my exit was a surprise pregnancy announcement. At the time, the group was aware of one member who was completing an IVF cycle and waiting for results. On the heels of her good news that the cycle had been a success, another member dropped the bomb that she and her husband had undergone a FET and had just learned it was successful. Her rational for not telling the group was that she wanted this knowledge cycle to be between herself and her husband.

I struggled a lot with this surprise announcement. Logically I understood where she was coming from and knew that this decision was one that was best for her family. But I also felt betrayed. This was someone I had supported without question during her first round of IVF, cheering for her when she got good news, mourning with her when it became clear that she would miscarry and knitting her socks to help support her as she talked about another round. I should have been happy. Instead I was hurt from the secrecy and from being blind-sided

Recently the IF community received an unexpected announcement. Jay, a veteran IFer who blogs at the 2 week wait turned Infertility Advocate, announced that she unexpectedly pregnant. The response has been rocky.

Full disclosure: Jay is a very good friend. She’s been a source of support, starting online and then moving to real life, throughout my journey through infertility and loss.  She’s given me hope when no one else could; given me a reason try when it seemed impossible. Hence the news of this pregnancy was a joyous one for both Grey and me. Granted, I’m in a very different spot compared to many in this community as I am done expanding my family. All I could feel was joy.


So when I originally saw her post, I was horrified to hear all that was happening and angry that she was being attacked. When we talked, though, Jay made a point to present the viewpoints from the other side, sending me three separate posts written by this announcement and how it was affecting this community. Reading those posts, many themes began to emerge. Themes of how this community deals with surprises and unexpected news, ideas about advocates who are fighting for change and finally questions about the community itself, both who belongs and how we should be reacting to hurt feelings.

What's underlying, though, that no one has addressed, is how we deal with surprising news that can bring about negative feelings.

Truth be told, I don't believe there is any way that Jay could have announced this pregnancy without hurting someone. It was the perfect set up for the beginning. Given that she was told she had a 1% chance of ever becoming pregnant again, I believe that many in this community considered her "safe" from anything like this. Yes, some will argue that the timing of her announcement or how it was done was is poor taste, but what I think the root of the issue is that it was a surprise. Unlike with treatment, where those following are given ample time to prepare for such news, this was totally unexpected. In other words, regardless of how sensitive she made her announcement or when, this news was going to hurt people. It hurts because there wasn't time to steel one's self from the pain of this news; it hurts because there are those who may never get to make such an announcement. 

In addition to this initial shockwave, there's also the commentary on community response. Some firmly believe that Jay should be supported without question. After all, this news does not impact her work as an advocate and if nothing else it is a major win for the community. Others, though, feel that hurt feelings need to be addressed. Already, I've seen calls both for Jay to apologize, not to apologize and even condemnation for "good intentions not being good enough." All the while, emotions are mixed and people seem to be spinning out of control. 

What needs to happen is people need to take a step back. Yes, those who have been hurt should voice it and be allowed to explore why this announcement caused them pain. But wishing harm onto anyone, especially someone who is fighting for this community, is not acceptable. Nor is encouraging hateful speech that perpetuates the idea of the "bitter infertile." In addition, we also need to allow for apologies and accept responsibility for our own roles. To expect everyone who finds themselves unexpected pregnant to have to apologize again and again is beyond ridiculous and, frankly, is a recipe for losing one's self to this disease. 

Tonight, on the eve of a new year, this community once again finds itself at a point of transition. For some, this past year has been a hard one while for others it's been one that has brought healing. My hope is that going into 2015 we can once again find common ground, agreeing that even though there is hurt, there should also be support. 

18 comments:

  1. Nicely said, Cristy. I 100% agree with you that there was no "way that Jay could have announced this pregnancy without hurting someone." We get hurt, but lashing out is never going to make that right. You've got me thinking, and I may blog on this.

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    1. I did! http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2015/01/blogging-and-world-peace.html

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  2. Well said, Cristy. Like you, I hope for more understanding from all corners. Context and where someone's head is on any given day plays such a major role in how prepared we are to take in such major news. This applies across society as well. I wrote about that here: http://blog.silentsorority.com/infertility-community-microsm-society/
    Thanks for keeping the dialogue open and the tone sensitive and compassionate. You're a gem!

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  3. Whoa buddy... I don't follow Jay as she was succeeding at IVF just as I was getting into treatment... I just couldn't follow women with hard or long journeys at the time. I'm also not on twitter, so I missed all of this. Having never been in this position, I can't say exactly what is do. I can guarantee that my husband will be a hard force to reign in if I'm ever in that situation. He will want to be "normal" while I will want to protect my friends' hearts. There's really not a great solution. I can say this though, I expect more from this community. You can be hurt and voice your pain with out intentionally being mean or vindictive or hurtful to one of our own no matter what the situation. Hoping things calm down for Jay soon!

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  4. I truly hate to see people react like this. We all at one point or another joined a community or some support group for SUPPORT. There shouldn't be a "safe" woman that we can look at and feel better that she won't get pregnant. I understand that seeing pregnancy annoucements hurt, but I also know that most of these ladies have went through hell to get pregnant. I just don't understand the bitterness toward them and I never will.

    Honestly, I am really glad that I am past all of this. I have left numerous groups because of this exact reason. Btw, congrats to your friend!

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  5. Great post and I agree. I watched this unfold and was a bit baffled. Look, I'm the first to admit that surprise unassisted pregnancies in IFers hurt like hell, but that is my problem and doesn't prevent me from being happy for the parents-to-be. I don't think anything Jay did would have been acceptable to all members of the community. I truly admire how she handled the attacks & criticism. At some point, I would have told then to eff off.

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  6. I don't get it. I really don't. I've gone through IVF/FET 9 times and I've never felt anything but hope for myself when a fellow vet gets pregnant. Those dang lucky fertiles get me jealous, but not someone who has gone through what I have. I don't understand at all.

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  7. Interesting timing: http://aubreyandnick.blogspot.com/2014/12/a-b-and-3.html. Aubrey seems more supported.

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  8. I have to join in the chorus of "I just don't get it"s. Maybe I've just been fortunate in the small sub-group of bloggers that I've formed close relationships with (incidentally, it's the same circle that Aubrey is part of) and I have to say we've never had any of the nastiness that I've read about in some other places. I also recall the meanness you guys had to deal with back in the Bitter Infertile podcast days, and I just find it absurd. I mean, you're absolutely right in that surprise announcements hurt more than others when you're still in the trenches, precisely because of the lack of preparation. I remember at least two that had me in tears, but I still managed to choke out a "congratulations" comment and then pathetically slink away from those blogs until I was in a better place. Even if you feel that someone has been insensitive in the way they made their announcement, there's a way to communicate that without attacks and meanness. I think Jay handled the reactions very well but I'm sorry she had to do that in the first place.

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  9. I'm not on Twitter, nor am I a regular reader of Jay's blog. I understand people find it difficult to hear about others' success while they are still in the trenches, but it sounds like she did everything she could to make the announcement tactfully. It seems sad & a little ridiculous that someone who has been through so much should not be able to celebrate their good fortune.

    This is certainly not the first such kerfuffle I've experienced online, and I am sure it won't be the last. (e.g., the PAIL fiasco from a few years back and the "healing salons" we held then to air the issues. Plus ca change...!) People are always going to be hurt by what others say & do online. But they don't always have to lash out in response either. Thanks for (once again) being a voice of calm & reason.

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  10. Loribeth gets it.

    Though Christy I don't think you or the other commenters get it nor do I think you are the voice of reason. First let me say that I am a good friend of Jay's as well. I am extremely happy for her, her husband, her son and the rest of her family. When I saw the announcement on Facebook Christmas Day I congradulated her even though it was triggering all of the worst feelings I had with my infertility. Even though it was one day before my two year anniversary of finding out I had a zero sperm count. I did not lash out at her because it has nothing to do with her plus I want to be there for her as she's been there for me.

    Here is what you don't get, people who have moved onto childless/free lives despite the smiles on the outside, despite your belief that they are "living fulfilling lives" will always hurt. These people may not be trying to have kids but they are still in the trenches and always will be. Sure they may find some things that make them happy but it's always a struggle. This is not to say these people have an excuse to lash out at people like Jay because they don't. But maybe if people like yourself who got lucky and had their happy ending learned some empathy maybe we could help the childless/free rather than shame them.

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    1. I'm really sorry that you hurt, and that you think we (those with no kids) will always hurt. You're still in the throes of hurting and healing. Two years is actually, believe it or not, the early days of healing. My first two years were awful. But now (11 years after learning I would never have children), I am certainly no longer in the trenches - climbed out and put my face to the sun a long time ago. Life is a joy, not a struggle. I blog about this regularly.

      And I have to say that Cristy is one of the bloggers who does get it. Or gets me, at least. She is one of the few with children who actively read my blog and engage with me, interested to see things from my perspective. I took Cristy's post to mean that we should all try to show empathy, that we should all be able to express ourselves and our feelings, without attacking others. As I've already commented, I wholeheartedly agree with Cristy's take on this.

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    2. What I meant by saying that we'll always hurt is not that we live in depression the rest of our lives but that we'll always have moments or stretches where we'll hurt due to the wounds of infertility due to the fact that we didn't end up with our Happy Ending. It's a struggle and it's something that Christy and others who go through infertility who end up with biological kids could never understand.

      I just don't get the impression from this post that she has empathy for us but that's just me. I just found her blog and haven't interacted with her much.

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    3. Gsmwc02, I'm glad you think I "get it" -- but (as a childless/free blogger who has been reading Cristy's blog for quite awhile) I will echo Mali by assuring you that Cristy does too. Her support & inclusiveness of those of us living childless/free, in her own blog as well as her comments on ours, have meant a lot to me over the past few years.

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  11. This all makes me so sad. I understand the pain of infertility all too well (don't we all?), but there is needs to be a line between sadness for ourselves and expressing jealousy/sadness at what we don't have. Whatever happened to "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Surprise pregnancy announcements, although they can be painful to those of us who haven't/will never conceive, are the start of a human life! And aren't we all about supporting and loving all of our fellow humans here?

    I feel bad that Jay is going through this... It's really unfair that her pregnancy is shrouded in guilt right off the hop. We all deserve happiness and support - through the bad times of course, but especially in the good times too.

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  12. loribeth,

    The inclusiveness should not only include those of you who have found happiness and pain free lives but also those who haven't and may never find it. It's easy to support those who have found it but the real challenge and support is to those who haven't because those are the ones who need it the most and are more likely to lash out unfairly at people like Jay.

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  13. Gah! Thank you (not) for sending me down this rabbit hole, Christy - I'm honestly glad I missed it the first time. You are a much bigger person than I am, because... I really and truly cannot wrap my head around this. I get hurt feelings. I get sadness. I get jealousy. I have experienced them all myself. But... even in the darkest days of infertility for me, I never begrudged the women I loved their happiness. I understood being stung by ultrasound pictures, but not being angry about them - not being vile. And even now, as a woman who has never been pregnant and most likely never will be (I try to put myself in Jay's shoes, thinking about a miraculous and unexpected pregnancy, and it actually kind of freaks me out at this point), I just... I can't wrap my head around this reaction. Yes, I have my happy ending, and some may say that makes a difference, but - I don't think there has ever been a point in this entire journey for me when I could have reacted with anything but love and support for news like this from such a strong and supportive member of this community. Or if not love and support, then nothing at all. Pull away if you are hurt. By all means, protect yourself and disengage. But tearing down a loving, kind and involved member of this community during a time when we should all be rooting her on? Truthfully, it is a prime example of why I have pulled away from this community more and more over the years - because there are times like this when it doesn't feel like a community so much as a deeply dysfunctional family.

    Like I said, you are amazing for trying so hard to see all sides. And Jay is as well. But any hatred flung her way over this just feels wrong to me... so wrong that I just want to identify it as such, not try to understand it.

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  14. I'm way late to this party and its been a long time since I read your blog. But I had to comment. I've been in Jay's shoes. There is no winning in her situation. You're damned if you announce, but damned to silence if you don't. We all entered into this community with the same dream and it beyond sucks that some dreams are not fulfilled. I can't imagine how that must feel, and I'll never be able to. It's impossible not to feel guilty when you succeed in this community, and it's sad that good news can be hurtful, but in the end I wish we could all just remember that this journey has wounded us all some way or another, and we need to treat each other gently. I know Jay didn't mean to hurt anyone, but I also know that she knew she was going to. She had no choice. It's unfair all around.

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