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I have a good friend who's wanted to be a mother since I first met her 8 years ago. Sweet, loving and gentle, she's always the first to smile at a child. Drawing them in with her warmth. The thing holding her back for the longest time was finding a life partner and, now, a move. As the years go by, I've watched the sadness come into her eyes. She knows her window of fertility is slipping away.
It hurts watching my friend go through this and yet I feel like I'm failing to support her. With someone actively in treatment, pursuing adoption or looking into other options of resolution, it's clear how to support. But here, the water is murky. I don't want to push her and yet part of me wants to scream when she talks about waiting until various things are checked off the to-do list. I know she's aware of the window and yet the urgency seems lacking. And so I continue to fail, despite offers to listen and be there when she needs me. Instead I watch as I become another source of pain.
I have a friend exactly like this. She travels a ton and has worked in some amazing far off places, but the result is that she's had a hard time finding someone to settle down with and she's basically given up the idea of having kids. We were at least in the same boat before I got pregnant, and now I kind of feel like I've abandoned her. It's tough to know the right thing to say anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard... Often I want to step in and remind them of my story... But I remember someone doing this for me at a time when I wasn yet ready. I think the best thing you can do is remain open to her in the event that she chooses to reach out to you. Only then will she truly be ready to listen and accept.
ReplyDeleteMy first instinct is that maybe it's not just her choice for the delay? Maybe she's actually trying, but doesn't want to talk about it? Maybe there are other reasons? There could be lots going on with her behind the scenes - it's often never as simple as it seems.
ReplyDeleteBut if it is just simply that she's not ready to commit, then the fact is, she's not ready to commit. I agree with Northern Star. All you can do is be there and open to her.
Man that is hard... I often have that feeling, the screaming at them for waiting. But then I think about all the things people probably want to say to ME during this journey, and I bite my tongue. Sometimes, I just want to be heard, I don't want someone to "solve" it for me. I guess I figure if my story doesn't scare the pants off of them, then nothing will. Hoping you can find that balance.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a hard spot to be in. You want to help, but how to say something helpful that won't be misconstrued? How do you encourage someone to parent on their own since the window is closing when the alternative is the growing sadness as others' to-do lists get checked off first? You have offered to listen and be there, and that is the best that can be done. I hope she finds peace, and so do you as you navigate how to support her and be a friend through this time.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when the ability to support is amorphous. But I think it's ultimately the same: asking the person how they are, making their life about more than this one situation, being there for good times and bad.
ReplyDeleteI love the question "how are you feeling about this." Because then we can get a better sense of what people need ... rather than assuming we know how they're feeling about what we think is happening.
ReplyDeleteYes, that's a hard place to be. But I agree with the above comments, really, she has to make her own decisions, and it sounds like the best thing you can do is be there for her.
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