You are not alone.
I remember that first appointment with my RE. Sitting in the waiting room and willing myself not to run away. I remember watching from across the waiting area as pregnant belly after pregnant belly passed through the double-doors to the OB/GYN clinic. Something so close, but it felt millions of miles away.
You are not alone.
I remember calling my parents, telling them of my diagnosis. Tearfully confessing the pain and fear that filled my whole being. I remember feeling foolish during that conversation. My mother who told me stories about how she easily achieved pregnancy clearly couldn't understand. I remember feeling ashamed of my jealous towards my teenage cousins who found themselves accidentally pregnant; of hurting all the more when admonished for not being more supportive simply because they were expecting and were going to be mommies.
You are not alone.
I remember the news that my first round of IVF was ending in miscarriage. That the baby Grey and I so longed for had failed to develop. Sitting on those stairs and holding my husband as we cried together. Utterly heartbroken.
You are not alone.
For three years Grey and I faced shots, pills, exams, tests, blood draws and invasion of privacy. For three years we struggled to find meaning in our days and hope in moments where it seemed lost. For three years, we struggled to find a reason why. Why us? What did we do to desire such a curse?
The only thing that saved us was finding others who understood; those that allowed us to express our grief over what had been lost without judgement or platitudes. What saved us was knowing we weren't alone.
No matter where you are in your journey, be it the very beginning, smack in the middle, facing the crossroads or transitioning in resolution. No matter my darkness fills your heart, leaving you wonder whether you will ever know joy again. No matter how cursed or undeserving you feel, wondering why you are facing this terrible disease that is riddling in shame and isolation. No matter how alone you feel today, tomorrow or in the days to come.
I can promise you one thing. You are not alone in this. You are not alone in your grief or your fear. You are not alone on this life altering journey.
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So beautifully said. You've made me stop, and think of all those people in the clinic waiting rooms, or grieving a loss, or coming out for the first time to family or friends. It didn't stop when I healed, I know. And I send them all my best wishes. Because you're right - they're not alone.
ReplyDeleteThough everyone's journey is different so many people can identify with aspects of this post. Well done. :-)
ReplyDeleteWell said! Beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteInfertility and the struggle through it, is something we will always remember. It is something I wouldn't change because it made me stronger and shaped me into a different woman. Although suffering through it for many years there was a lot of pain and heartbreak, it also brought Al and I closer together and it made me feel passionate about something. I wanted to inform my family and friends that infertility was indeed a disease that wasn't fixed with a few drinks and a vacation. They saw our struggles year after year. I finally had a handful of people apologize to me for the insensitive comments.
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. Thank you Cristy. Hugs. You are not alone either.
ReplyDeleteThis post made me think of all those specific moments in own my journey when things were the hardest. It helped so much to know the online community had my back. I could never have made it through without you guys.
ReplyDeleteLovely post, Cristy, thank you! :)
ReplyDeleteI love this. Just, perfect. I so remember finding this little world and feeling like, finally, there were people who understood. It was a good feeling, in the middle of so much sad.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. So many of your memories are my own too, and you're right; we're not alone. Thank you for writing and for being part of this conversation.
ReplyDeleteYes, to all of this. So very well said.
ReplyDeleteThis post took me back to all those emotions. Yes, you are not alone. And even when you're out of the trenches, the scars are real and stay with you forever.
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