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Monday, April 6, 2015

#MicroblogMondays: Pennies

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Last Tuesday, He-Beat went in for a second surgery to place ear tubes. The tubes that were placed last October (when both Beats went in) had fallen out/become blocked and he was starting to develop chronic ear infections. After a couple of months of pain, Grey and I made the decision to bring him back in knowing full well that surgery would be quick, but recovery could take awhile.

Unfortunately, shortly after surgery He-Beat caught an upper-respiratory infection. Between the high fevers and rapid breathing due to his immune system being stressed out and him not fighting this infection very well, it's been a stressful week for all involved. Two nights ago I laid with him, scared out of my mind because I could feel his little heart pounding away as he lay there. Praying that the fever would break soon and that he would soon be back to his cheerful self. All while pushing away the terrifying thoughts of losing him.

Yesterday Grey took over childcare for a few hours, giving me a chance to work on lectures that have been neglected. As I walked to the coffee shop, I found myself scanning my surroundings, taking in the day and the scenery. Looking down, I found two scuffed-up pennies laying face-down in the asphalt.

Many are familiar with the rhythm "See a penny, pick it up. All day long you'll have good luck," but years ago I was corrected that one is only suppose to pick up pennies that are facing face-up, otherwise their luck is canceled if not turned bad. For years after that I would think about that as I would find pennies, wondering if my causal disregard meant anything.

And then infertility hit. Followed by our losses. Like so many, I became superstitious. I held on to anything that would bring hope and luck each cycle. It was after our third failed cycle, though, that I threw all that out the window. I stopped looking for token and good luck charms. Instead, I started embracing symbols that reminded me to live regardless of the outcome. To find light even in darkness.

Before our final treatment cycle, Grey informed me that we were black cats as others viewed us harboring bad luck. And yet we continued to persevere, choosing to live and exist without apology. It was after that conversation that we started embracing symbols associated with "bad luck," such as petting black cats that crossed our paths, celebrating Friday the 13th and stepping on cracks in sidewalks. And it was then I started picking up face-down pennies; carrying them in my pocket for the day and pressing them in my palm during moments where it felt like it was too much.

Seeing those beaten up face-down pennies made me catch my breath. And as I lovingly scooped up what others would avoid, I closed my eyes and whispered a soft prayer. "Please hold my family safe during this time. Please help us transition."

16 comments:

  1. I find it so interesting that all of us who have experienced losses think this way. I know when Lilah was sick for a while and Olivia too, I kept thinking about losing them. Other parents wouldn't even entertain that thought and yet it hits us so hard.

    How is he doing now? Sending you lots of hugs from Oklahoma

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  2. I love this..embracing the symbols others would avoid. I hope all in your family are healthy soon...

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  3. Hugs. Beautiful post. Hoping that he-beat recovers soon and that calm is restored.

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  4. Oh no I hope that He-Beat is starting to feel better! Having a sick child is so scary.

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  5. Love to you and yours. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope your luck changes.

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  6. Aw *hugs* I hope He-Beat feels better soon!

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  7. I hope by now the shift toward health is in the rear-view mirror and that He-Beat is feeling good.

    Love this, Cristy. "I started embracing symbols that reminded me to live regardless of the outcome. To find light even in darkness."

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  8. I love this and I love looking for symbols in the world.

    I hope He-Beat maked a quick recovery!

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  9. Cristy, I'm so sorry you and Grey and He-Beat are going through this. I loved the lines Lori picked out too. Finding light even in darkness is so so important.

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  10. Oh, Cristy. I'm sorry ... and hoping that He-Beat is feeling better! (I took to turning over pennies myself, trying to make luck for both myself and someone else, hoping that if I put love and light into the universe, that love and light would find me, too ... )

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  11. Oh -- I hope He-Beat is better soon.

    This post spoke to me so deeply because I will skip over those heads-down pennies, worried that I'm inviting problems if I pick them up.

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  12. I hope He-Beat gets feeling better soon. This post resonated with me, because I was/am the same way. I have a variety of infertility talismans that I have collected over the years that people have given me. One ivf cycle I panicked, because I forgot to bring them to transfer and was convinced I was jinxing myself.

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  13. To find light in the darkness is to overcome all adversity. It is to believe in hope.

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  14. I love this. And black cats are awesome. Unless they are really skunks, then back away slowly. I hope He-Beat feels better soon, poor little guy.

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  15. I really like this post. I went through a phase of very superstitious when I was going through IF.

    But, what really spoke to me was about picking up the pennies "right side up." Growing up I just always thought that a penny is a penny and it will bring you good luck. I was a bit upset when I was admonished by my childhood peers that I was doing it wrong by picking up pennies tails up. I remember thinking, who are they to say that that penny isn't lucky, or unlucky? It felt arbitrary and unfair. Then one day I decided, the heck with them. I think all of the pennies are lucky and resumed to picking them all up.

    I still pick up pennies. Then I slip them into my shoe for the day, even heels. It is just may way. Hmm...I may have to write my own post on this theme.

    Thanks for sharing!

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  16. Great post. I'm superstitious but you're right sometimes you need to let go and just live life.

    Sending you and your family strength.

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