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Friday morning, my dad's youngest brother bombarded my phone with urgent texts. Each one was urgent and wanting to know when I was going to contact my parents to deliver the news. Being a pleaser, I found myself fighting the gut reaction to immediately address his urgency with a matter that only peripherally affected him. Still, I knew the time had come to rip off the band-aid and tell my parents. So plans were made to contact them Friday night.
For the past 2 years, I've played this phone call out in my head. Every scenario ending bitterly, with me justifying too much and attempting to get them to understand my side. For the actual call, Grey sat beside me. Reminding me that I should keep things to the facts and to keep it short.
The reaction was very different from my parents upon learning about the Beats. It was easily apparent that my dad wanted to meet these two, being willing to work on healing and moving forward in order to have a relationship. My mom was a different story. It took less than 5 minutes for her to throw poison on the conversation, announcing that she didn't mention me at all to anyone anymore. The veil of indifference an effort to both hurt me and mask her own anger and pain about the situation.
Though the conversation was short, the news light the fuse to the powder keg. I knew the drama was coming, as any tsunami comes following an earthquake. Sunday night it began to manifest with a text from my uncle in Seattle about a message from my mom. A phone call to my mom's youngest brother confirmed my fear that she's planning to lash out at him over keeping the news of the Beats from her. I spent the better part of the evening beat on this uncle about the fact that my Seattle uncle was blameless in this situation and convinced him to contact my mom to get this message across. This was followed up with speaking to my Seattle uncle and aunt to give them a heads up of what was potentially coming, allowing them time to prepare. On top of this, I received a LONG email from my sister Marie this morning. One that I need to pick apart and process, as it's filled with things that leave one simply shaking their head.
All of this makes me want to drink; to numb my mind with a little bit of Scotch. And for anyone who knows me, this is a rarity as I'm quite the light-weight. Still, I'm working on moving forward. The tsunami is due to hit today, with many aftershock waves to come. Hopefully Grey and I have got to higher ground.
Lordy, those are some big changes you are going through right now, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to try and sticking to the moral high ground. This will be tough for a very long while I'm sure, but I hope it will be all worth it in the end and the beats will have even more family in their lives to love & support them.
ReplyDeleteOh boy this sounds so complicated. I do see a light in the fact that your dad sounds excited to work on your relationship and to see the Beats.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry... how awful to immediately have poison thrown. It must have been so frightening to open this door and have an actual phone conversation. I'm glad things went well with your dad, and I'm glad you could get advance notice to your uncle so he knows a tsunami is coming his way. So unfortunate, but you are taking steps to do what's right by you, and if it doesn't work out on the other end you have the peace of mind to know that you tried. Peace to you, and enjoy that scotch. :)
ReplyDeleteWell. Dang. I was hoping (as were you) that the news of your next generation would bring conciliatory feelings forth from your mother.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you did your part to heal the split. And sounds like she did not do her part in response. What about your dad? I wonder it's set up so that you need to treat them as a unit.
I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sorry you don't have the mother that you strive to be. <3
No advice or helpful words, just to say sorry you're in this situation.
ReplyDeleteYou've done what you can, you've done what was right for you to do - both in the last few years, and now. You're right that your mother is hurting, and so is lashing out at whoever she can, blaming anyone else but herself. I know you know you can't take that on - I think you sound in a really good place now. But it will still be hard. (I'm also aware how much easier it is for me to say this, than it will be for you to do! I wish I could take my own advice in my own life!)
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you hugs, and hoping you are able to take some deep, calming breaths.
Uggg. Christy, I'm so sorry. I understand the toxic parental relationships all too well, and yet... it still just guts me to read about any mother treating her child so poorly. I'm just... sorry.
ReplyDeleteDeep breath. Is there any way to establish a relationship with your father separate from your mother, or would that not be possible? It seems such a shame that you got that spark from him and your mother doused it. I'm so sorry that this one small connection ignited so much more to deal with.
ReplyDeleteAs I just said to Lori LL about something completely different -- well, you tried. I am so very sorry you didn't get the response you were hoping for, particularly from your mother. She will ultimately have to live with the consequences. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. I'm sorry your mother reacted as you were afraid she would. Why do families have to be so difficult?
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry. I hope this blows over as quickly as possible and you can find some ground with all involved. Hugs my friend.
ReplyDeleteOh, Cristy. This is so awful. The loss and sadness I have seen recently makes me wonder why people do this, when life is so short. Why choose anger over joy, just to protect ourselves? Is it really easier to shut the world out? I wish that they could understand what a gift this possibility is, and move past the hurt to healing. Sending love your way ...
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