A pattern is becoming established. Every two weeks I send my mother a text, asking if she and my dad will be around to talk. A scheduled time to call is decided on, usually on a weekend evening, giving me time to talk as the Beats will be asleep and to plan. Then, when the time comes, I sit in my chair armed with a phone, a glass of water and a mental plan.
At this point, I've been keeping things vague but answering questions. My mom has been very intent on updating me on all that's happened on there end. Laundry lists about work, the status of my grandmothers, updates on my siblings and nephews. When conversations do come back to me, its usually about my motivations. Why now? What has changed. Though I talk about infertility, I have yet to give them all the details. But I know they can sense something has changed.
One of the hardest parts about reconnection is establishing firm boundaries while also remaining open. To make it clear that while I am attempting to empathize with them, there are also things that will not be tolerated. Grey and I have struggled so much with this, especially as these interactions bring back so many hard memories. All the tools David and Dee gave us are being stress-tested with every interaction. And more often than not I walk away feeling like I'm failing.
But one thing that has become clear too is how much of a weight has been lifted from this openness. The burden of secrecy was impacting all of us in a negative way I hadn't fully realized until now. As I reflect on this, it's hard not to draw parallels between this experience and that of those going through adoption and even the decision to share their infertility journey. To experience yet again why openness is always hard to navigate, but also the benefit for doing so.
We're due for another phone call soon. Grey and I have had many difficult discussions about when to share images of the Beats and how much information we should be sharing. More often than not, things get heated as both of us are struggling. He's still very angry with my parents for their decisions and outlooks. So we continue to work together, being cautious yet open each step of the way.
I could feel my body tensing just reading about the situation, so I imagine your shoulders are somewhere near your ears when you're actually living the moment. So hard, but I love the parallel you draw between the openness in this situation and adoption.
ReplyDeleteYou so GET the experience that I've been trying to write about. Openness is for ME (not for the Other) because living without shame and fear is so much less burdensome. How to do that while also protecting the littles and safeguarding my own vulnerabilities? Like you say, "openness is always hard to navigate, but also the benefit for doing so."
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are being guided well.
So hard. I feel for you. I have no advice, but can definitely identify with some of this, only it's with my SIL and the horrible drama that happened a long time ago when we first got married. I totally get that tension and how open you want to be.
ReplyDeleteSo intense Cristy. This is all huge for you guys. Boundaries are so necessary to remain open... Like Lori says, openness is for you, not for them. You decide what you share... You are handling this so well.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like things are going okay so far, despite the tension I'm sure each phone call brings. What is your desired outcome of this communication? Do you eventually want the Beats to meet and have a relationship with your parents?
ReplyDeleteI'm estranged from my father so I can imagine how incredibly difficult this is. Just reading this put a knot in my stomach... and my chest. So proud of you for facing it all with such bravery.
ReplyDelete"But one thing that has become clear too is how much of a weight has been lifted from this openness." I am so pleased. But remember to breathe, and be kind to yourself as you and Grey find your way.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so difficult. I hope you slowly find a balance that works for you.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for doing this, for being willing to navigate these precarious waters, not for them, but for you, and for the Beats. It sounds like you're going slowly, and giving yourself the space you need to take care of yourselves through this process, too. Hugs to you all ... It will be easier to live without the secrets, in the end.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit late, but I wanted to echo what the others above have said -- this must be so, so hard, but I so hope it will be worth it in the end. I think you are doing the right thing, in the right way -- one step at a time. (((hugs)))
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