When anxiety wins

Over the past few days, there have been many moments where Grey and I have been finding reasons to hope. Grey's networking has lead to two separate leads on potential positions and many more options are coming up that we weren't aware of. It's hard not to dream about a good outcome in those moments. Hope is alive.

But there are still the dark moments; the moments where anxiety wins. Moments where I find myself wanting to curl up into a small ball and cry until I'm past exhaustion.

Anxiety is something I've struggled with for most my life. Between stressing pleasing others and worrying about how others see me from a young age to worrying about not meeting certain milestones later in life, I've struggled with feeling like I'm a failure in life. Though infertility helped shatter a lot of that, there's still an underlying level for feeling this way.

Tonight my anxiety got the better of me. Fueled by a lack of appetite and a terrible commute home (90 min wait at the T station, which lacked heat, because the buses are operating on holiday hours) that resulted in me being chilled to the bone, I've been feeling the waves hit me again and again. All until I felt like I would suffocate.

So, anxiety is winning at the moment. Even though I know Grey is doing everything right and there's the potential to come out of this better off than we were before. Instead of being the supportive partner, I'm forcing back the tears and hoping that all of this will pass in the morning.

Because right now, it all feels impossible. And I'm tired of feeling like I've somehow fucked up beyond repair.