Plan B

Years ago, my mother came up with the oh-so-brilliant idea that I should adopt my cousin's son. My cousin had found herself facing having custody revoked for a second time, following the state determining that she was not meeting basic standards her son needed. Fueled by panic when my ex-uncle's brother stepped up, being willing to take the child, my mom decided that Grey and I would be even better candidates to fulfill this purpose, given we were childless, struggling with infertility and preparing for IVF.

I thought about all of this last night, following reading this post on Cup of Jo that Loribeth pointed out and the recommendation to explore the comments section (side-note: it was incredibly refreshing to see so many support comments). It was one comment in particular by someone named Rita that brought all of it back. Rita starts by talking about how she and her husband turned down her BIL/SIL when asked to be their baby's in-case-of-emergency guardian and how difficult this decision was. But it was this sentence stuck with me:

"They said they thought of us “since” (??) we aren’t planning to have children, which I found most perplexing a statement because why leave a child with a couple who doesn’t want their own kids?"

Cue all the many feelings and emotions.

Assigning guardianship for minors is something I use to assume was easy. Growing up, the assumption was that you simply listed next-of-kin, be it grandparents or siblings. But that was before I began thinking about how children were raised, taking into account values and life-goals in the best of circumstances. Nevermind ending abuse cycles. The added element is seeing first-hand the generational effects when these decisions are poorly made as Grey's grandfather was orphaned at a young age, being raised by an aunt who, though she adored her own children, was far from stellar as an assigned guardian.

With all of this in mind, Grey and I have struggled for the past 5 years to assign emergency guardianship for Maddy and Teddy. Family members have been a hot topic, given that we either see them as unreliable/potentially dangerous or being completely maxed out with their own lives and families. With friends, it's been even more tricky, given that we know how life-altering this decision could be. Ideally, we want a home environment where Maddy and Teddy would be well cared for and loved without stressing out their guardians beyond repair. Hence finding a couple with one or even no children would seem initially ideal and part of Rita's comment touches on this mindset:

"They also said that they value our values, our outlook on life, our responsibility with money, level-headedness, etc. I was so anguished over this decision… my confidants tried to get me to see that this was a compliment to us."

All of this seems like a great option until one considers something equally important: those who are not parenting often suffer the misguided assumption that their lives are somehow incomplete and that introducing a child/children into their lives will magically make it whole. That and the fact that their lot in life is to be solely to be emergency guardians or some secondary role.

Even though it was years ago, I remember the acute pain I felt as my mom begged Grey and me to adopt my cousin's son so that my aunt could remain his grandmother. Nevermind all the reasons this was an insanely bad idea, the fact my mom saw me solely as a placeholder made clear what I meant to her.

Something my mom is now desperately trying to deny given how my infertility journey ended.

This morning, I told Grey it was time we finalized emergency guardians for Maddy and Teddy. Though I have my ideal couples in mind, the reality is for many this brings about some sort of assumption that they would even want this burden. And even with these initial discussions comes the understanding that if that ideally there won't simply be one set of guardians guiding these kids, just as I have that same hope now. 

Because the reality is Maddy's and Teddy's role isn't to fill some void; no more than people who are not parenting should be waiting in the wings to take on child-raising responsibilities. And those that make these assumptions need a reality check.