I've been struggling. Two weeks ago, my aunt and uncle requested a phone call with Grey and me to let us know that my aunt has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Being in this realm for so many years, Grey and I know very well the different types and prognosis for each. When she told us the type, my knees buckled and Grey let out an audible moan.
One would think that a diagnosis like this would be enough. Nevermind a diagnosis in the middle of a pandemic.
Then yesterday I got the wind kicked out of me some more. After a benign text to my aunt, telling her that I was checking in, she called me to tell me some more news. Her son has died. My uncle and aunt, in addition to navigating chemotherapy, are now making funeral arrangements during a period of social distancing.
There's a part of me that wants to cling to the fairytale that all things happen for a reason and that there is good in the end. But moments like this are a reminder that life is far from fair. There are so many good people who suffer for no good reason while others who deserve some level to snap them out of the BS never seem to get a scratch. And yet I know my aunt and uncle will be surrounded by people during this time who will try to find a reason in order to make sense of the senseless. I guess it's that part that makes me the most nervous. That instead of being there, allowing them to grieve, they will be managing others' anxieties about all that has happened. Something I'm desperate to shelter them from.
When it rains, it pours. How I wish I could be there to offer them love during this storm.
Oh Cristy, I'm so sorry to hear that. How awful for your aunt and uncle. And I completely understand your wish that you could protect your aunt and uncle from the people who make up reasons for things happening. We've all heard those so-called reasons, haven't we? It makes the speaker feel better, but not the recipient.
ReplyDeleteI know I've said it before, but the quote that gave me a lot of comfort was Gertrude Stein's quote essentially saying, "there is no answer. There never will be an answer. There never was an answer." It allowed me to stop looking for answers, to stop feeling guilty, and to just grieve - with all the love and pain in my heart. I hope your aunt and uncle will be able to do this too. And I hope you can too. I'm sending you all the love and comfort I can. And some safe, virtual hugs across the Pacific.
I am so, so sorry. This is absolutely horrendous no matter what, even more so with all the pandemic stuff going on. Abiding with you and your family as you navigate through all of this.
ReplyDeleteInconceivable/Katherine A
I am so sorry. There are no good words. My heart goes out to your family.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, this is so much to deal with at once. I'm sorry that your aunt is seriously ill and her family is reeling from the loss of their son. And that the pandemic complicates the responses to both things. It's too much. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteWhat a tragic set of events all too close together. My heart is with your aunt and uncle and all who are supporting them the way you are. I am sorry that you are hurting, too. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this, Cristy. :( It seems like it never rains but it pours... and when you add COVID-19 to an already crappy situation... Sending virtual (((hugs))).
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