About 2 months ago, just before shelter-in-place orders were issued across the Bay Area, my manager went on maternity leave. Prior to her leaving, she constructed a plan for me, with goals that she wanted me to reach while she was out and some opportunities for career growth. Looking back on that plan, I can honestly say I wasn't excited about it. I had been pushing for opportunities to gain experience with virtual learning but didn't feel supported to explore this avenue. It was clear it wasn't a priority for her to have me focus on this, which I struggled with.
As of today, I have about a month-and-a-half before my manager returns from maternity leave. Over most of that time she's been out, the world has been turned on its head and all the priority items that were on my to-do list have either been canceled or tossed out the window. In place of that, I'm currently living and breathing the virtual learning space, developing or converting content, structuring asynchronous learning with synchronous and training across the globe.
I'm exhausted from the hours of work, thriving in developing this new path, and making all sorts of new connections with others in my company who have the same goals towards helping us adapt and excel in the post-COVID world.
And I'm terrified of my manager returning to witness what I've been doing.
I don't talk much about the impact not having my contracts renewed at 2 different positions had on me. Logically I can see how dysfunctional both those positions were, given the poverty-level pay, the insane hours, and the lack of opportunity to grow. Yet I struggle with being let go and how poorly my supervisors treated me in hopes that I would outright quit. It's because of these experiences that I've found myself falling back into a pattern of pleasing to a fault. It's something I've been doing with my current manager, even though her reviews have been positive and it's clear I've been meeting the goals set for me.
These next few weeks I have a number of deliverables, with so many watching to see: four separate courses across multiple time zones, developing new content, and most recently a new collaboration with the goal of broadening training to benefit the whole company. It's honestly insanely exciting to be a part of this and it's what I've been looking for many years. Yet in the quiet hours, I'm worried that I'll be facing unemployment again when my manager returns. That she'll see what's been happening and become insanely angry/threatened even though what I'm doing now was asked of me.
A weird rabbit hole of fear based on the trauma of failure inflicted by abusive past managers.
Today, I'm trying to focus on what I need to do to get through the next few weeks and meet my deadlines. Because the rabbit hole of fear is one I need to avoid both for my sanity and in order to grow.
Oh, I think it’s very cool that you have risen to the occasion and done what you could to help during coronapocalypse! And bonus that it is in an area of interest to you. I understand the awkwardness of having a manager return and realize that you have been doing a different job though. One presumes she has not been living under a rock and will understand, of course.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck and hopefully everything you have contributed will be recognized. In the meantime if you believe what you are doing is right then have confidence in that and stand strong.
As far as your work, man, it sounds like you are doing really important stuff in ways that people can access it. It sounds like your manager might even be satisfied -- even thrilled -- upon her return. To see how well you have adapted to this crazy and unforeseeable world that didn't exist before her baby was born.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rabbit hole of fear, it's understandable that traumatic events of the past would throw shade on your current situation. It's also wise of you to check your thoughts on this to make sure irrational fear doesn't rule you.
I echo the other comments -- your work sounds amazing, and important! Everything has had to adjust to this new reality. It's got to be weird for your boss to leave her job in one reality and come back to a completely different world. But that said, I'm sorry that your past trauma is haunting you and causing you anxiety and fear in that rabbit hole. I hope that your boss is wonderful when she returns and sees that you rose to the occasion in an incomprehensible change of reality and are doing good work.
ReplyDeleteAdmittedly, I've been away from the working world for a while now... and I have had some lousy bosses in my time too. But honestly, I don't see how your boss could be upset with you when she returns. The goalposts were moved while she was away -- heck, you are playing an entirely different game now, with a completely different boss to answer to in the meantime -- her (new and completely unforeseen) priorities have had to take precedence, and it sounds like she has been fully satisfied with your performance (under very difficult circumstances!). It's understandable why you're feeling a bit apprehensive about your old/regular boss's return, but I agree with the others. Try to give yourself a break, and maybe even a pat on the back. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteIt's been a while, I apologize. But dang girl, you stepped up! I am currently working from home/remote and it's so different, yet I feel like I'm ROCKING it. Be proud you have definitely shown your passion for your work. On the list or not, you have been successful during a time with so much uncertainty.
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