Sunday, October 23, 2011

Battling my inner child

Back in September, after IUI #3 failed and we were given the green light to pursue IVF, Grey and I decided it was time to start preparing ourselves for the roller-coaster of drugs and monitoring.  We bought a bike rake, had the bikes tuned-up and Grey started biking to work almost everyday.  I pulled out my running shoes and started jogging on a regular basis.

In addition to the cardio, I decided to get serious about my mental anguish and started yoga.  Every Sunday morning, while most families roll out of bed, dress in their Sunday best and head off to church, I carry my yoga mat to the local yoga studio and spend the next 1 1/2 hours rediscovering muscles I forgot I had.  Though I may not think it while straining to do Warrior 3, I think I'm getting the better end of the deal.

I love my yoga instructor.  She has such a calm nature to her and is incredibly warm and welcoming. She knows that I'm preparing for IVF and has been incredible about helping me modify the postures so that I can use them throughout my cycle.  In addition, she's also started having the class meditate on what we want out of life and modifying our thoughts in order to promote more well-being.  And I've been completely okay with that, until today.  

Today's class started with the following quote:
 "An adult is one who has lost the grace, the freshness, the innocence of a child, who is no longer capable of feeling pure joy, who makes everything complicated, who spreads suffering everywhere, who is afraid of being happy, and who, because it is easier to bear, has gone back to sleep. 

The wise man is a happy child."

~ Arnaud Desjardins

The whole idea is to find the joy in your life and to embrace it.  Something I completely agree with.  But here's the thing: my inner child is currently not a happy one.  My inner child feels like she's been told that she can't play with the other kids because she's "weird."  My inner child causes the other mothers to whisper and point in her direction.  In short, my inner child is tired of being patient and is on the verge of throwing a temper-tantrum.  

What shocked me the most was that this imagine actually has been empowering.  I spent the rest of class mentally conversing with this sad child, telling her I was sorry for the situation, that she was loved, that she wasn't alone and that things were going to change very soon.

"But why is it taking so long!!!!" she wailed.

"Because we have to do this the right way" I said

Because if we don't prepare for December and things don't turn out the way we hope, we won't be strong enough to continue forward.  Because December is the time that we'll be able to rest and focus our energy on IVF.  

My inner child still isn't convinced, though.  She's still pessimistic about the outcome of all of this.  And that's when it really hit me: I need to get this kid on board.  Because without her, I'll just be self-sabotaging myself and I'm so tired of all the doubt.  


  1. I'm rooting for you and Grey, Cristy. I'm so proud of you and the way you have handled everything that has been thrown at you. I know it isn't easy to start down this path, but you have really embraced it in such a positive way.
    Lots of love and luck.
    (I have no idea why it says 'Alicia')

  2. I have nothing constructive to add, but I found this inner dialogue very beautiful. Thank you.


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