Surviving the layoffs

 The meeting started in silence. Leadership was navigating speakers and mics with multiple people on Zoom in the same conference room, which still is an issue even for the most tech savvy. Within moments, the CEOs face was front and center on my screen. The look they the camera was one of intense sadness, steeling themselves for what was about to be said and how it would change everything.

I’m sensitive to layoffs and terminations. Both Grey and I have been on the receiving of these decisions, suffering the fallout with subsequent job hunting, sigma, and (in the case of terminations) shame inflicted by former employers. I could write a novel on bad managers and unethical practices I’ve experienced from those who have managed me. So when the email came about a sudden company wide meeting with less than 24 hours notice, I steeled myself to be once again job hunting in a recession.

And make no mistake, we are firmly in a recession.

Instead, I find myself tonight on the other side still employed, though still deeply traumatized. Despite instruction otherwise, I spent the day finishing some projects and distracting myself for checking things off my to-do list. Interspersed with this was breaks to sob uncontrollably, remembering full well the tremor that comes in dwindling savings, piling bills, and housing insecurity. Flashbacks about navigating unemployment and qualifying for food stamps haunting my thoughts.

Survivors guilt is something I’m use to. I still remember that last round of IVF where all odds pointed to failure, and yet somehow we came out the other side. Of feeling displaced and guilty with the randomness and, in some case, blatant unfairness. I called my manager immediately after the company meeting and together we cried as I thanked her for all she’s done for me over the last 8 months. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye and there’s so much work left for us to do together. We both found ourselves with messages that we were “safe” moments later, yet both shaken and untrusting that we truly were.

Life in Silicon Valley is drastically changing. The tech sector is slashing jobs as VC funding has dried up. It’s only a matter of time before the exodus begins. One silver lining is the support people are giving one another as they find themselves hunting. The sigma of finding yourself unemployed being challenged as people offer connections, recommendations, and general support.

Tonight I find myself experiencing the same emotions I’ve lived through, though this time on the inside looking out. It sucks knowing what being an outsider is like and I sorely wish it wasn’t a reality for so many. I’m also keenly aware that I need to absorb all of this while preparing for another day. There’s still so much to do. Processing the pain of having to say goodbye to colleagues I care about while making plans for the transition that is already happening. 

Despite; Because

Where to begin. 

I could blame the pandemic, but the truth is the pandemic ripped off the veil. 

I could blame the political system, but the truth is we were already going down that path. Politicians have just added gasoline and a lot of tinder to the fires.

I could blame work stress and all that's come with shifting into high-gear due to my position (never once did I believe my skill-set would be in HIGH demand), but the truth is the balance has never really existed. It was always unbalanced as a way to survive.

Daisy's passing ripped away those final excuses. The truth is Jaxson's passing started it and her long decline made it clear it was time to confront it all.

So let's begin with that realization that all the myths I told myself (and saw so many others telling themselves) have all come to the forefront and are being busted before my eyes.

Gone is the myth that anything is possible if you just try hard enough. Especially having met too many who are blind to their privilege, that myth is forever broken.

Dashed is the myth that people those most capable are put into positions of power. Too often, those who have no business leading others are placed there as it is assumed leadership is a natural skill. We desperately need to start training managers and those overseeing others on the importance of leading with empathy and curiosity (and unapologetically terminate those who demonstrate they can't)

Edited is the definition of "kindness." Too many confuse politeness with kindness, yet so different are these concepts.

Dead is personal branding. People show you their true selves through their actions and interactions. Those that rely on branding are the ones doing the most damage control.

Despite all the crazy and darkness from the past 2 years, I've learned so much about humanity and the importance of living unapologetically. Because of the crazy and the darkness, the deaths, the loss, the pain, the hopelessness, I'm begun to embrace living well and finding the good.

Despite what I was told, my limits and my failures, I've begun pushing through the fear of rejection to define the life I want. Because of my limits and my failures, I'm finding the road to make that happen.

And despite the greatest of losses and heartaches, with so many losses under my belt, I still have the courage to try, as I learned I am stronger and more resilient than I imagined myself to be because of those losses and heartaches.

Sweet child o' mine

 

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East, and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

~ "Funeral Blues" by W.H. Auden

You passed on a Monday afternoon. Grey held you in his arms close to his heart as they gave the medication that would help end your pain. As I watched you limp around earlier in the day, I knew you were telling us it was time. I knew you were ready to see Jaxson again.

But with your passing came the loss of my foundation. You and Jaxson were constants during almost two decades of chaos, loss, and change. You both were the sources of unconditional love; the reminder that there is good in this world despite what others may claim.

I never thanked you for loving me when I felt so unlovable. For teaching me what love truly is. You, Miss Daisy, showed me what it meant to be a lady. Elegant, graceful, and beautiful, but tough as nails and refusing to take any shit off of anyone, regardless of their protests and explanations. Your love of adventure meant I'd often find you in the highest and most inconvenient of places, but you refused to apologize for your love of fences and roofs. All dogs be damned if they were bothered.

I knew after losing Jax that you were mourning the loss of your life companion. Watching you grieve was heartbreaking, as you began to slow down and stay inside. Though you clearly loved Grey, Maddy, Teddy, and me, you were also telling us that you were saying goodbye.

Life is so different without you here. Grey and I feel so unmoored as we can't sense you around us. I know with all my being that you and Jax are reunited, crossing Rainbow Bridge as he was waiting for you. But the loss of you renews the loss of him and combines into a loss so deep that it makes it hard to breathe. You were both the angels we desperately needed and now you are gone. I'm struggling to find my footing now that you're not there to walk beside me.

I love you so much, Daisy. You will forever be my beautiful peanut butter cup and sweet girl. I promise to embrace all the lessons you taught me, making sure your wisdom and grace live on. I promise to continue living the way you taught me, despite (and maybe because) of the heartbreak. Thank you for making me part of your family. Thank you for loving me and walking beside me. I will miss you until we meet again.