CD who knows. BCPs are in full effect. Translation: I'm not sleeping. If I'm lucky, I'll get maybe 2-3 hours in before I find myself wide away. If I'm not so lucky, I'm awaking up after 2-3 hours shaking and crying from the nightmares. Vivid nightmares that I swear could be straight out of a horror movie. My acupuncturist has a theory that all of this is due to liver stagnation. My system is currently overwhelmed with trying to process the BCPs, in overdrive to reverse the effects. In short, it's a lossing battle with the only cure in sight being to get off suppression medication as soon as possible.
Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of swearing.
This last Monday, all the emotions from being overtired came to a head. Frustrated to be back in a medicinally-induced menopausal state with no guarantees of a different outcome, I had a meltdown in David's office. In my moment of weakness, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. That I'm tired of dragging Grey through all of this. That I wanted someone to give me a definite answer for all of this.
After allowing me to vent, David calmly put down his pen and told me something that helped calm me down: this FET is a necessary evil. No matter the outcome, Grey and I will finally have an answer that will allow us to move forward. That by not going through this we were stuck.
Here's the thing: I am a huge control freak. For too long, I've believed that I had more control over my life than I actually do. Case in point: graduate school. I remember telling everyone that I just needed to get in and everything would be okay because I was willing to work my butt off. Talk about being disillusioned. What I learned over the next 6 years of my life is that there's an element of luck involved with surviving the process. Sometimes projects flop, sometimes people get scooped, sometimes the messy asshole you're sharing space with gets something to work because they stumbled upon something that was completely unexpected. Hence, no control of how everything will turn out (and anyone who tells you otherwise is completely full of it). What I learned I could control was HOW I would react to failure and bad news. Experiment fail? I learned to pack up for the day and to get a good night sleep so that I could tackle everything while I was fresh. Or, I learned to take a walk, come back and formulate a game plan for the next step. When all else failed, I learned how to formulate a mini-presentation so that my advisor and I could tackle the issue together.
Unfortunately, I stil haven't completely embraced this approach while dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. That sometimes some of us have to run the obstacle course of treatments or the adoption process in order to expand our families. That these necessary evils are important for the process, even though it's completely unfair some of us have to shoulder more than we feel we can handle.
I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say I'm tired, I'm feeling less than optimistic, but I recognize that this is something we need to do. Maybe the point of all my bitching is to acknowledge that though I understand why we're doing all of this, I'm just tired of being so unlucky with all of this. Grey and I don't deserve this heartache and pain; this uncertainty. Hell, no one deserves this.
Here's to hoping our luck changes soon.
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