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For the past 4 years, I've had zero contact with my family. This decision was a guilt filled one. After all, those who cut-off contact with their families are suppose to be mentally defective and emotionally impotent. Yet I knew at the time that I needed this space in order to address what lay ahead. That juggling navigating an infertility diagnosis and fertility treatments would be emotionally impossible if I was also managing the expectations of my mother.
The idea of reconnection surfaced about a week after the Beats were born. Sitting in NICU, I received a text from my brother letting me know that my parents were on the west coast and wanted to see me. In that instant, I wanted so desperately to share my babies with them. But I was also scared shitless at the idea of them finding out about these two fragile beings, harming them indirectly in order to get punish me. Collapsing in the parking lot later with Grey (somehow I managed to hold it together while in the Vault), I confessed my fears and conflicting desires. A decision was made at that point to continue with radio silence, but to revisit reconnection as the Beats grew and became stronger. As our family grew stronger.
And as time went on, I thought more about this. Torn between taking this step while also wanting to protect my family.
Over the weekend, it became apparent it was time. With the move in completion and the reality that we need to make some changes to an old agreement, I made two phone calls: one to each parent's younger brother, who are trusted uncles. Both responded quickly and we utterly elated and exacerbated. And the news of the Beats floored both of them.
So, the ball is rolling for this final chapter. The plan is to reach out to my parents this coming Saturday. All of it seems surreal and terrifying. None of it has gone the way I imaged it would. All of it still has the potential to explode (especially as the news of the Beats will likely shock them all). But I'm progressing forward. Especially boundaries while trying to heal rifts.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
#MicroblogMondays 139: Wind Phones
5 hours ago