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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Changed

First off, thank you for the responses on the last post. I've had a chance to calm down and reflect on this issue. The decision was to not go to the meeting last night (I'm voting with my feet) and instead try to get into contact with RESOLVE about my concerns. Thing is, I'm having trouble doing that! Tried finding an email address or a contact for the WA chapter with no luck. I did call the main office today and am hoping for a response, but I think I'm missing something. If someone has a suggestion, please let me know. 

A couple of nights ago, I was looking back on photos taken before Grey and I jumped on the TTC bandwagon. In a lot of ways, life was simpler: we both had an idea of what we wanted out of life and the paths to obtaining those goals were generally clear. We had our rough moments (most people do), but my motto was "with a little hard work" whenever attacking a task that seemed difficult.

The past 2.5 yrs. have changed all of that. Looking back, I now realize how naive I was with this "sunshine and roses" line of thinking. Though it is true that a happy-ending to this story is entirely possible, what's also undeniable how changed both of us already are and will forever be because of this journey.

On some ends, this change has been for the better. Grey and I were always close, but living with infertility has strengthened our marriage in ways I didn't know possible. He has journeyed to the pits of hell with me, standing beside me during moments where it would have been easier to simply walk away. Before this experience, I was simply happy to be married to someone I loved. Now there isn't a morning I don't wake up and thank the universe to bringing this man into my life. Many other things have changed too, like learning to put the needs of myself and Grey first, learning to be more patient, etc. All these life lessons that would not have come if we had not been on this path.

But not everything has been for the better. Since losing this second pregnancy, I've become hardened. The grief has caused me to be less sympathetic to the problems of others. Some of this is legit, as it amazes me how much unnecessary drama people allow into their lives. But some of it makes me wonder if the scar tissue has turned into a thicken hide, making it very hard to connect with others.

I realize what I'm talking about isn't a new concept. There are many posts from so many amazing women in this community that cover this from many different angles. They do a better job of dissecting this than I can hope for. But what I will add is how foreign it feels to be so detached from the world. Almost like something has been broken inside of me.

As women, we learn from an early age that our role is to be "the caregiver." We spend much of our lives learning to put ourselves second for our families and loved ones, making sacrifices to help promote other's well-being. My childhood conditioning is very much to that extreme, as I was taught that my problems had to wait because "so and so" had more pressing issues that needed to be dealt with. The rational is that we are supposed to be "strong." With any hurt or disappointment, the first words of encouragement are how strong and beautiful we are. These words are meant to encourage perseverance and pushing through. Helping us find the will to reload our burdens and move forward.

Since this miscarriage, I don't feel "strong" anymore. Frankly, I feel like I've crumbled. My trust in my body has been greatly shaken and I worry at times about my sanity. Hence the hardened feeling. Because I am like that animal who, having survived being beaten time and again, is now surrounded by humans who don't understand how frighten I am. And yes, I've already snapped at many hands.

This post has no point other than the fact that I'm trying. I'm trying daily to move forward and on. Because the only other choice is to stay in this current state and it's not a place I want to be. But with the trying comes the realization that I am forever changed and what that means. How deep and ugly these scars truly are.

We have our follow up appointment with Dr. Optimism on Friday. And both Grey and I have ideas for a plan. The end of this 2 week wait is in sight. 


19 comments:

  1. Sometimes we fall because we weren't looking and tripped over something right in front of us, and sometimes we fall because someone pushed us. In this case, you've been shoved hard.

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  2. Good luck with your appointment hon. I know how hard it is to break through and wade around in unknown waters. It's scary and hard and I am proud of you for pushing forward to figure it all out.

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  3. I feel this post in my core. It's unbelievably hard to feel so removed from the people around you. Especially when you.

    Good luck woh your appointment. Looking forward to hearing your plan soon.

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  4. I was nodding along to every word of this, but I want to give you a bit of change of perspective.
    I feel myself not being able to relate to other people's dramas any more as well, but I don't think it's because I've hardened. I think it's because I have a new perspective on things. Stuff that was a big deal to me a couple of years back just seems trivial compared to the pain I've experienced. Being a bit more distanced has actually helped me in the long term, in terms of putting other people's problems in perspective for them. Not belittling them per se, but just putting them in a big picture context.
    I'm rambling. But I do have one more thing to say:
    Crumbling is ok. It's the first step to rebuilding. I know I will get there with time, and I am sure you will as well.
    Much love!

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  5. I sooo understand what you are saying. I feel as if I am so cynical now and struggle with compassion. I think part of it is a thick skin or wall I built to protect my heart from hurt, but like MO said its also perspective. Some things that others stress over and think is the end of the world, really isn't in the grand scheme of things and I just don't have patience for the drama. There are people REALLY suffering and a speeding ticket or car accident or spilled milk just doens't compare. All you can do is take one day and one step at a time.

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  6. My heart breaks for you and all that you're going through... know that you're not alone in how you're feeling and that we all feel it too... hardened, frightened, angry with our bodies... isolated IRL. I know what you mean when you say "how foreign it feels to be so detached from the world. Almost like something has been broken inside of me."... somehow the pain does get easier and, although it never goes away, it starts to melt into a deep love of life and those that are close. Our lives are forever changed after loss.IF... but eventually it helps open our heart wider than it was before. Someone said to me early after my loss that it was a 'gift'... I was angry (internally) with the person who said it, but I am now starting to see what they mean. I look at life differently now.... and cherish everything. Hang in there and know that we're all here for you. My heart is with you... and I hope that you're appt brings new ideas and plans that will bring your dream to your horizon soon. Love always xoxo

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  7. I think you described it beautifully. You have been literally to hell and back and it is no surprise that you are changed from it. I imagine these scars to be just like surgery scars. Immediately afterwards they're hard, ugly and get angry at the slightest touch. Over time, they fade and become a more natural part of us. Your losses are so recent and your reaction to coping with them are so natural. While you will forever be changed by this, I do strongly believe that with time, these scars will become a more natural part of you and you will feel less rigid and cut off from the world as you heal. It is a process that will take its own time. As always, I am here for you every single step of the way.

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  8. I know exactly the hardened feeling you describe. I feel much the same sometimes, but I agree with Mommy Odyssey that it may just be a change of perspective. It doesn't seem to me like you've lost your sense of empathy in the slightest, but perhaps other things in life that used to affect you don't as much any more, and maybe that's not the worst thing in the world. This might be an important topic to bring up with Dee the next time you see her. Especially the fragile feeling and feeling like you have to snap at things because you're so scared. I think addressing those fears will be critical for you and I know it's something you're already doing by lining up plans B and C. Is the appointment today? I hope it goes well. Looking forward to hearing more about it. Take care of yourself Cristy and hold tight to your special relationship with Grey. We all love you.

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  9. that post was really touching, many people dont understand how infertility issues can affect someone, and that the scars can last a lifetime...i myself has been scarred through many disappointments and even though im pregnant now, it's still hard for me to be really free.....I havent been going to a dr , i just went the one time when i was 6wks and he confirmed the pregnancy, since then ive been scared that if i go back he'll have some sorta bad news!
    anyway hun hope ur appt goes well

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  10. Good luck on your appointment today. I loved your blog today. I remember walking into all of this thinking that we would be pregnant within a few treatments, so naive. Then after a while you start to turn cold to the whole process, even knowing that we need to stay positive and keep going forward. Some days are harder then others but I dont know that even single one of us suffering through IF is Determined!!!!

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  11. **thinking of you and hoping your appointment went well today**

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  12. I'm hoping that soon you'll get some good news. I'm so tired of all of us not getting the happily ever after ending.

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  13. Who can blame you for feeling this way? My own BS tolerance level has risen as well and I don't have patience for a lot of the 'drama' people around me cling on to - the upside is I have found myself in a new circle of friends that give my life a lot more meaning.
    I hope your appointment gives some answers you need :)


    Over from ICLW

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  14. I don't know what to say because I haven't experienced the same things you have. But, I want you to know I am always thinking of you and amazed at your strength...hope your appointment gives you a clearer direction of where to go from here. Sending lots of hugs...

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  15. "Because I am like that animal who, having survived being beaten time and again, is now surrounded by humans who don't understand how frighten I am. And yes, I've already snapped at many hands"

    Wow, just wow. That really hit me hard. Have only had a chemical, but that really helps to understand how so many of you feel.

    I hope the appt went well.

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  16. I related so much to this post right now even though we are in very different places. The tears just keep coming because I too feel broken. I have so much hope for you Cristy. I really really hope that you get your happy ending soon. You deserve it so much.

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  17. You made me realize I've been dealing with a loss of compassion, too, especially for trivial complaints parents have about their kids or parenting in general. Really? Is it the end of the world that your kid threw a tantrum/didn't sleep well/refused to eat dinner? Definitely over people being dramatic about stuff that is not a big deal.

    I nodded along to your entire post. My heart goes out to you and this horribly painful loss you're having to endure.

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  18. I too nodded along with pretty much everything you've said. If nothing else, I hope the next steps refresh your faith in yourself and in your ability to relate to others. Infertility has caused me to detach, step back and think -- really? You think that's bad? And so often I feel horrible for feeling this way. So I appreciate your honesty and sharing. I don't know what the bright spot is, but I have to believe it's out there and there are a few ways to see it!

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  19. What a beautiful post. You are not alone in having these feelings. We're all hardened by infertility, but the more we share our stories, the more we'll be able to relate to each other ... and beyond the blogosphere. There's a bright spot out there. There has to be!

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