Thin

It's been a tough couple of weeks here in the Cristy/Grey household. After riding the high from our trip as well as from the summer sunshine, we were not prepared for drama that was lurking. Within a matter of days, though, that all changed. I really can't get into specifics here, but I will say this: it sucks beyond compare to feel unsafe in your own home.

Compounding this was the arrival of mail from my family. Almost a year ago I made the decision to severe contact with all of them. Still this announcement was a blow, dredging up all the pain and feelings of worthlessness caused by their betrayal and abuse. Needless to say, I haven't been coping well.

On Friday to overcome some of the panic associated with all the stress, I did something I haven't done in years; I went to the local driving range and rented 100 golf balls. The goal was simple: envision problems as golf balls and then smack said problems with a 3 iron. Though it worked for calming me down, it didn't offer any solutions.

Needless to say, it's been difficult to reach out to people as of late. Difficult to feel happy for others when I feel like a cornered animal. It bothers me that my home is compromised on so many levels and to know that there really is nothing I can do to prevent anything from happening other than to prepare myself to the worst and hope for the best. Add in the fact that others I know and love are finally doing well, moving on and it stings all the more. 

The truth is, I feel thin. Very thin. With adoption on hold, the question about leftover embryos and a general sense of chaos, I'm feeling overly tried and edgy. I haven't wanted to talk to anybody about this either simply because there are no simple answers and yet I still get well-meant but useless advice on what to do or not to do. 

What I really want is real answers. Honest to good answers. I want a way to resolve this cold war with my family; to get them to either leave me alone or make an honest attempt to rectify our relationship instead of playing the insane cat-and-mouse game. I want some of the crazies that are threatening my home and family to disappear. And I want someone to come forward with a clear answer to our fertility problems. To allow us to finally move on from all of this as well as to show us the road ahead. 

Instead, I stuck hating the universe and all that it's taken from us. I'm stuck wondering how much longer this cold war can be maintained before the next big blowup happens. And I'm stuck wondering if there's a way to overcome this latest round of disturbances calmly and logically instead of being pushed into a fight that no one will win.