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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

An apology


Earlier this week, I wrote a post addressing what I perceived as an attack on the Bitter Infertiles. Since Monday, things have fallen apart, resulting in a lot of hard feelings and a fractured group. The past 24 hours. have been spent in tears and trying to retrace my steps as to how everything went so wrong so quickly. Needless to say, there’s been a lot of self-reflection and owning my role in all of this.

I need to start by apologizing directly to Esperanza. I’m sorry that I caused you pain in any way or made you feel that you needed to censor yourself. No one should be made to feel that they are not allowed to have an opinion or share their thoughts with the world. In addition, no one should feel like they are being attacked. For that, I am truly sorry. And I’m sorry if my actions made anyone else feel that way too.

But the thing is, I’m not entirely at fault in this situation. Over the past few weeks, the criticism against the podcast has grown and grown. Granted, I understand that people are excited about what has been happening and want to share their thoughts and opinions on each podcast and how we have been proceeding. But, honestly, there’s been a lot of negativity. To date, outside of an incredibly nasty comment sent directly to us, I’ve watched commentary criticizing us not being appropriate because all the members are pregnant, see critiques about how we address different topics and even watched direct attacks on us personally. And though I’m sure in an ideal world I would be able to brush it off, the truth is that it’s all been too much.

I came to this community over a year ago, seeking support and comradery from others would were also in the trenches. Over the past year, this community has been an amazing source of support during my darker moments. Something that I am incredibly grateful for. But there is a dark side to this community. I’ve watched members viciously attack others, bullying them into silence over something they disagree about. Granted, these events are not constant, but when they happen it’s crushing to watch. And frankly, it’s shameful.

Over the last few days, I’ve felt more and more cornered, with people passing judgment on me and something I’ve worked hard for. Not once has someone taken a step back to consider how it might feel to be picked apart. The comparison of this podcast to the Redbook Infertility Diaries frightened me, making me wonder how long it would be before the mob was banging on my door.

The purpose of my post was to cut all of the grumbling off. What I hoped to address was not that others were wrong but that all the concerns and criticism was being addressed. I hoped to stop the fire from spreading, so to speak.

What happened instead was a backdraft. The end result being the future of this podcast uncertain. Mo and I have talked a lot since then, trying to figure out what needs to be done in order to heal. So far, all we’ve gotten is silence. The damage from this passive aggression has only deepened the wounds and forever fractured trust.

So, as of today, Bitter Infertiles is suspended. The one thing I had hoped to avoid has happened and there is no resolution in sight. In addition, I’ve watched Mo struggle with watching something she’s nurtured and help grow start to die around the anniversary of the loss of her son. I’ve watched people attack her, telling her that she’s lucky to have a dead baby. Something so unbelievably horrible and evil; something I never thought I would bear witness to.

I want to end by thanking those of you who have been a source of support during this time. In the moments where Mo debated deleting everything connecting her to this community, you’re words and wisdom have been what has brought her back from the brink. It’s also forced me to recognize that those that are problematic are in the minimum and that in general people do believe not only in this podcast, but also in us.

For now, I’m planning on stepping away from this space. There is so much healing that needs to happen and I know that it can only begin if I’m not here. To the ones I’ve grown to love like sisters, I promise I won’t be far away. But right now, being in the space is too destructive. There’s too much bad blood. 

26 comments:

  1. Thank you Cristy. I appreciate your words here. And I also appreciate how horrible you felt, and continue to feel. I can't imagine how agonizing it's been watching your amazing podcast get picked apart. I grieve deeply that I had any part in that, as it was never my intent.

    I also want to take responsibility for my part in all of this, but at this point I'm not sure how. I tried to once and evidently I made things worse so I will just leave it at this: I truly am deeply sorry for the mistakes I made and the hurt I caused. I respect you all, your cause and your efforts very deeply and I am saddedned to hear of the podcast's suspension. To think I played some unwitting part in that wounds me to my core. I will carry the lessons learned from this situation with me always.


    Sincerely, Esperanza

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  2. I missed all that went on, but i am sad to hear bitter infertiles will cease. It was a unique avenue of support. For me, I have had my baby, but a good way for me to stay in tune with the infertile community (as i dont know when and if ill need the support so desperately in the future) and appreciate all my good fortune and to stay humble. I have a couple episodes to catch up on as I've started saving them for my walks, and will be sad when they are finished.

    I am so happy for you, mo, and Shelley. Thanks for trying to do something huge here. I know it must have been a lot of hard work. Consider it a huge success, and now you can focus on you and your pregnancies.

    I don't understand why people would attack you. Isn't this the point if the community? I don't understand why they just wouldn't stop listening, rather than ruin it for everyone else.

    Take care ladies!

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  3. I am so sorry to hear that your podcast is being cancelled. I heard wonderful things about it from fellow bloggers. I also closed down something yesterday that I worked very hard to build up due to negativity.

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  4. As sad as I am that the podcast is being suspended indefinitely, I understand and respect your decision. Your well-being and sanity absolutely comes first.

    I really am bummed out though, not just at the probability of never hearing another episode of Bitter Infertiles, but the fact that this community can be so hateful and insensitive. I will never understand why anyone would attack someone who has fought so hard for something and absolutely deserves it. Especially when they are offering support to others. You ladies went above and beyond to handle your pregnancy announcements in such a sensitive manner, and YOU ALL DESERVE WHAT YOU HAVE FOUGHT FOR. Anyone who questions that, or is angry about it, is speaking from a place of jealousy/pain and bullying others to make themselves feel better.

    I just want to reiterate one last time how valuable this podcast has been to me, and I am assuming so many others. I'm sorry it has come to this. My best wishes go out to the three of you and I will continue to hope you will all be able to hold your happy, healthy babies soon.

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  5. Noopoooooo! I love the podcast! I'm sorry your in so much pain. Hang in there!

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  6. I echo what nickeecoco says....I think that you guys handled your pregnancy announcements the best way you could and I am very happy for all of you. Maybe the disgruntled comments would have ceased now that you weren't doing updates anymore?

    I'll miss the podcast and your writing. Hopefully the break will heal some wounds.

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  7. Oh no. I missed a lot of what's happening right now but I get the gist and have unfortunately seen things like this before. I 100% believe in the podcasts and in all of you. I am sending you, Mo, and Shelley lots of love and support. Please don't disappear. I would miss you.

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  8. I'm so sorry this has happened and I'm very sad to read that the podcast will be on hold indefinitely. As I commented on Mo's blog, I appreciated that the three of you took precious time out of your lives to give voice to women and stories that we might not normally have heard. It's sad that pettiness and jealousy have silenced what I view as a very important contribution to our community. As wonderful as the ALI community can be, there's also this dark, cannibalistic side to it that makes me wonder if I want to continue being a part of it. We all carry the pain of our journeys, even after resolution. What purpose does it serve to lash out at those who can best understand that pain? It certainly doesn't make anything better, and is the exact opposite of constructive. I may write about this on my own blog if I can pull my thoughts together on the topic. I'm tired of seeing this sort of thing happen and I'm tired of remaining silent about it.

    Take care. I'm sending nothing but good thoughts to you, Mo, and Shelley.

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  9. I feel ill reading about this. And speaking to the enormity of the ALI blogosphere that I wrote about today, it seems unreal that something this big could be happening and not know until I read that the podcast is suspended and you're stepping away from this space. That it feels as if we now need a telescope to see each other just because the space is so large. And that largeness I think makes people feel anonymous and protected when they throw words at other people. The distance can make people forget that there are very real people who receive their words. They forget that there is a difference between constructive criticism and being cruel. A difference between expressing their hurt and feelings and attacking another person (vs. their actions).

    I really hope that this isn't an end. That you come back to write here. That the podcast goes on. It would really be a loss to the community. But I also know how hard it can be when you are in the eye of the tornado. So I just send love; no guilt if you need to walk away.

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  10. Oh my gosh, I had no idea the backlash was this intense... I have to say, for those criticizing the hosts of an infertility podcast for being pregnant -- HELLO?! What did you think was going to happen?! The only redeeming thing about infertility treatment is the fact that it actually works for most women, somehow, so how 'bout we all just CELEBRATE that fact instead of being envious and lashing out? If I ever start to feel like I'm surrounded by too many pregnant women -- whether in real life or online -- then it's MY responsibility to pull back and deal with those emotions myself. Anyway, sorry for all the Caps Lock here, I just really feel passionate about you guys maintaining the podcast, even in the face of this adversity. It's a hard and often thankless job to do, but you are helping so many women...

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  11. I'm so sorry that it has come to this. I was late to start listening to the podcasts, so thankfully I still have several to go before I run out of episodes to listen to. I'll hope that by then you all will be feeling better about restarting them, but if not I absolutely would understand. You've already done so much for others in working on them, and I selfishly would hope you could continue, but as I said on Mo's post, only only only if it is good for YOU. Only being halfway through the episodes done so far, it's hard to say what has helped me most, but I definitely appreciate what I see as intended inclusiveness - so much of the IF/ALI world seems to focus on IVF (which is perfectly reasonable, as it is such a draining process, not only physically and financially, but maybe even more so emotionally, and it's where so many of us do end up), but it's been wonderful to have Mo's insight as well, as a fellow RPL girl who never got to the point of IVF, or even to IUIs (finally had a successful pregnancy after four early m/cs with the help of a couple metric fucktons of pharmaceuticals, if not any procedures).

    To a point I could also understand the angst of those still in the trenches - when I was in my trenches, the thing I found most difficult was the unknown. Not knowing if we'd ever have a child was the most anxiety-inducing and literally depressing thing I have ever had to tackle, and it was terrifying for me. Even having reached the "other side" now, I have not forgotten that feeling, or how it cast such a grey veil over my entire life, for years on end (six total). When I found myself envious of other women who were leaving the trenches, it wasn't envy for their actual pregnancies or babies, but more an intense longing to feel at least some of that unknown finally become known. I am sure that none of you, even now, have forgotten how that feels either - but that does not mean that you aren't allowed to or shouldn't be able to enjoy your pregnancies, as much as humanly possible.

    Anyhow, I'm rambling, and probably not quite as versed in this whole brouhaha as I should be before commenting on it. I just wanted to delurk and say thank you for everything you have done so far, and while I hope it will continue at some point, I absolutely would understand if it doesn't. You take care of you, first and foremost.

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  12. What in the world is going on? I can't believe someone would be so hateful to say things like that to Mo. And to be upset that you are all finally pregnant is harsh. THIS is the whole point to seeking treatment and resolution...this is what most of us wait for. You three shouldn't be harassed for finding some 'luck' and full wombs.
    I'm sorry C. You know I am here and will most DEFINATELY miss you in this space. I for one think you all should continue on with the things you love. There are always trolls and those wanting to knock us down, but it's important what you were doing. Both here and on the podcast. Hopefully you will reconsider as the weeks wear on.
    Love to you, Shelley and Mo.

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  13. Sorry this happened. I actually didn't follow the podcast. Happy to hear that each of you are now pregnant if I read that correctly. I knew about your pregnancy of course. Hope that everyone will be able to heal their hurts.

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  14. I am sad to see the podcast be suspended, because it is a very relevant and useful source for so many. I know that all of you have poured your blood, sweat, and tears into it - very literally. I hate that one comment, that you read on air, caused backlash that was this severe.

    I think a lot went on that I didn't see. I only saw E's posts and SQ's post (which was a bit, umm... I don't even know what to say about it) - and have not seen the very personal attacks. I do want to apologize on behalf of the true "bitter" infertiles who took their shit out on you guys. That is exactly what this is sounding like, and it's upsetting. The pain olympics (I hate that term) are in full swing, it appears.

    I've been around for a while now, reading ALI blogs for 3+ years and I've noticed that this happens every now and again and for what reason, I don't know. I would NEVER compare your podcast to the Redbook issue (I will never forget the one gal asking readers for morning sickness advice. GAH!) - that situation was in and of itself pure stupidity. You guys - you just have a podcast and you all happened to get pregnant at the same time. YAY FOR YOU! And I mean that very seriously. You all accomplished what we ALL want to accomplish.

    Your apology was very kind, and being someone who just didn't understand what E's posts had to do with the angst - I do appreciate this a great deal. I loved the discussion that came out of her posts (and let's not forget Keiko's awesome post that questioned relevance of a pregnant IFer before all this shit hit the fan) - that pregnancy and parenthood does NOT resolve IF. I'm so glad that discussion happened because I do think it's helpful to those who are still in the trenches, thinking that all of us pregnant ladies have forgotten where we came from. Quite the contrary.

    Take time. Step away. We all feel the need to do that every now and again. Take care of those BABIES (collectively - yours (TWO!), Shelley's, Mo's) and come back if/when you're ready.

    Let the healing begin... peace to all of you!

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  15. I'm sorry to hear you are stepping way but understand your need for space. I'm so upset that this has hurt both you and Mo so deeply and wish that people could be kinder to each other. The podcast was/is an amazing thing that you all did and it's not fair for other to criticize you for getting closer to the goal that we are all here achieve. We all want to be parents and that is what brings us together. Take your time and I hope that you will all be back when you're ready.

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  16. I just feel like I've missed something. I only read Es posts which for me, didn't feel like she had said anything negative. I'm so sad. I love the podcast. I don't know why people feel like they have the right to be nasty to their infertile brethren. I'm sad for you all.

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  17. I am so unbelievably shocked and sad right now... Like Mel, I can't believe that this could spin out in such a way with me being completely oblivious until right this moment. I just... wow. All I know for sure Cristy, is that you are amazing. Strong, kind, and so incredibly supportive of every other person in this community. I am sick right now to think of the direction this has gone, because a.) you deserve EVERY ounce of happiness you get and b.) I would want you representing me ANY day, even in knowing that pregnancy will likely never happen for me. I'm with you friend. And I am so so so sorry.

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  18. I'm so sorry it's come to this. I'll miss your presence here and hope you'll be back soon (after some much-needed time to take care of yourself, of course).

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  19. I've only recent come to both Bitter Infertiles (and I raved - in a good way - about the latest podcast)and your blog. I'm sorry that things seem to have escalated in some way (I also feel a little lost), and that people (or was it just the really nasty one?) felt the need to attack you. I'm hoping you can all take some time, breathe deeply, and come back to your blogs and podcasts. I say that a little selfishly because I don't want to lose some intelligent and thoughtful voices, but mainly because I suspect how important these spaces are to you, as I know how important my blog and another space has been to me too. Sending best wishes to everyone who has been caught up in this.

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  20. The way this whole thing has developed makes me so incredibly sad. I'm so sorry for the personal attacks that has happened, everyone is clearly hurting but that doesn't make it right, far from it. Take the time you need for healing and come back when and if it feels right. In the meantime, take care of yourself, your man and of course, sugarbeats. Much love to you all.

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  21. I'm very sorry it has come to this for both the series and your space here. Take care of yourself and I hope you are able to return soon.

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  22. I'm sorry to read this. Take care of yourself and I hope you come back?

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  23. Good job for saying "no" Cristy - getting rid of negative stressers is #1 priority. I'm so proud of you. Take care lady - I'm rooting for you, Grey and the babes. Lots of awesomeness around the corner for you guys!

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  24. I'm sorry you've been so hurt by this debacle, Cristy. I hope a little time away helps you to heal, but that you'll be back soon to again find comfort and support in this space.

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  25. Somehow I missed the whole thing until I read your post today. I just want to offer you support. I know exactly how it feels to be personally attacked and it's really not fair no matter what the reason. I too debated quitting, but I realized that the people I reach are more important. You reach so many people and I hope you continue to do so in whichever way you choose!

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  26. wow. I am so so so sorry and saddened that Bitter Infertiles is no more! I've been concentrating on other things in life right now, so I haven't been around at all (haven't updated my own blog in months) - but that just sucks. :( I guess it is what it is and I am SO sorry for what I see has gone down - for everyone involved.

    I will still come by here often to see how you and your baby are doing!

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