You are not alone.
I remember that first appointment with my RE. Sitting in the waiting room and willing myself not to run away. I remember watching from across the waiting area as pregnant belly after pregnant belly passed through the double-doors to the OB/GYN clinic. Something so close, but it felt millions of miles away.
You are not alone.
I remember calling my parents, telling them of my diagnosis. Tearfully confessing the pain and fear that filled my whole being. I remember feeling foolish during that conversation. My mother who told me stories about how she easily achieved pregnancy clearly couldn't understand. I remember feeling ashamed of my jealous towards my teenage cousins who found themselves accidentally pregnant; of hurting all the more when admonished for not being more supportive simply because they were expecting and were going to be mommies.
You are not alone.
I remember the news that my first round of IVF was ending in miscarriage. That the baby Grey and I so longed for had failed to develop. Sitting on those stairs and holding my husband as we cried together. Utterly heartbroken.
You are not alone.
For three years Grey and I faced shots, pills, exams, tests, blood draws and invasion of privacy. For three years we struggled to find meaning in our days and hope in moments where it seemed lost. For three years, we struggled to find a reason why. Why us? What did we do to desire such a curse?
The only thing that saved us was finding others who understood; those that allowed us to express our grief over what had been lost without judgement or platitudes. What saved us was knowing we weren't alone.
No matter where you are in your journey, be it the very beginning, smack in the middle, facing the crossroads or transitioning in resolution. No matter my darkness fills your heart, leaving you wonder whether you will ever know joy again. No matter how cursed or undeserving you feel, wondering why you are facing this terrible disease that is riddling in shame and isolation. No matter how alone you feel today, tomorrow or in the days to come.
I can promise you one thing. You are not alone in this. You are not alone in your grief or your fear. You are not alone on this life altering journey.
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