Alice

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where -' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'- so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

It's been a strange couple of weeks, filled with anticipation and uncertainty. On the heels of She-Beat's surgery, there's been usual daily highs and lows with work and condo business (more on that later). But there's a finally element which I've been quiet about as I've been stealing myself and not wanting to get my hopes up.

A few weeks ago, Grey followed the advice of a friend and connected with some headhunters. Surprisingly, this move has been extremely fruitful as they have connections to companies and opportunities we weren't even aware of. From this, two opportunities have emerged. One company has made an offer and the other is in the process of making a decision between him and one other candidate.  

This past weekend was a very emotional one for us. The news of this offer, though promising, made us take a very hard look at our lives and what we ultimately were willing to sacrifice for the future. There are some clear benefits for this first position, but ultimately it's not the one either Grey or I want. Between the compensation, the location and general lack of security that comes with it, there's not a lot we're willing to be flexible with. And with this knowledge came feelings of anger, frustration and fear. A sense of failure for something that is entirely outside of our control.

These feelings are not new ones for us. Infertility brought so many lessons about failure that we've both become skilled at facing the grief process. But what continues to surprise me is how much of this process we've been internalizing. How the "no"s lead to both of us questioning ourselves and our worth. That somehow we are less because of it.

Midway through my graduate training, I picked up Lewis Carol's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland." Though I know many are familiar with the story from a young age, its a read I highly recommend when one is facing a life crisis. Reading about Alice's adventures helped me find my footing during graduate school and push through the doubt and the worry. With all the craziness from recent events, I've been revisiting this story once again as I've odd situations and events that leave me scratching my head. 

Ironically, the themes with each crisis always fit nicely with Alice's journey. From the beginning of the story, with the metaphor of the white rabbit (the desired outcome or goal) and Alice following him down the rabbit hole, the pool of tears (first loss or realization that something is wrong), advice from the Caterpillar (i.e. "just relax" or "just adopt") to the Mad-hatter's tea party (first doctor's visit, the interview process) to playing croquet with the Queen of Hearts. Eventually, you'll come face to face with the Jabberwocky, in all of it's fury. Staring the monster in the face, you'll do battle, fighting with your whole heart while pushing through your own fear of failure and rejection.

Monday ushered in a sense of calm as both Grey and I formulated a plan for moving forward. One reality we are both facing is that he will need to turn down this current offer and that the other will come back as a "no." Both will leave our family once again in limbo with this transition. Both will mean we will be taking a hard look at our road ahead. But there's also the possibility that this gamble will pay off. Already Grey has professionally connected with members from the second company, giving him access to them in the future. And in the fact that he had a whirl-wind interview almost immediately after he told them he was interested in applying for the position and the knowledge that there is only one other candidate they are considering, and it's so hard not to get my hopes up.

All of it leaving me feeling very spacey.

For now, I'm forcing myself to entertain thoughts of positive news. Taking moments to visualize a good outcome instead of stealing for the worst. Like Alice, I'm going down the rabbit hole. May the croquet game we're playing leave us with our heads.