I was on the train when I first learned about Paris. Sitting in a tube of steel that was preparing to go underground, I scanned the news feeds that described the horror occurring in the city. Sitting quietly, I felt my body grow numb as my brain shut down. So much tragedy. All of it nonsensical.
Sunday night, I felt the same anxiety rise during a conversation with my mom. The second she asked "what can I do for you?" I knew she was baiting me for a fight. Grey watched me in horror as I attempted to subdue any confrontation, listening instead as my mom went on about my paternal grandmother and how she was navigating that situation. All the while baiting me with comments about how all of this was new to her and that she wanted to know why I was now attempting to reestablish contact. What it comes down to is she's upset I did reach out to her as soon as I learned I was pregnant. But attempting any explanation will only lead to a fight, which she's unconsciously pushing for. And so I unsuccessfully try to calm her down before declaring I can't do any more for the night. Feeling numb and beaten afterwards.
One thing that continues to baffle is how insistent those who foster hate and anger are of their position. There's a certain pride they take in causing destruction and pain, as if it somehow justifies their own feelings. What they fail to ask is why there is this need to fight. What motivation is there to be won by taking?
My nerves are raw from all of this. The danger seems so needless and the hate so stupidly unproductive. And I wish there were clear answers towards peace with all of this.
I'm sorry that these two events coincided for you.
ReplyDeleteI had family crisis coincide with news about Paris, too. It's hard. People have different reactions and mine was white hot anger. Whatever you are feeling, take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the conversations are so exhausting. This part was very profound, and I'll be chewing it over the rest of the night: "One thing that continues to baffle is how insistent those who foster hate and anger are of their position. There's a certain pride they take in causing destruction and pain, as if it somehow justifies their own feelings. What they fail to ask is why there is this need to fight. What motivation is there to be won by taking?"
ReplyDeleteHow disconcerting to be dealing with both macro- and microaggressions at the same time. I, too, am seeking peace.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough when there's conflict all around us -- in the world, within our families, sometimes within our workplaces &/or homes. :( I'm wishing you at least some measure of peace too. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit speechless. There's been so much said on Paris, so much anger and antipathy and selfishness - of course, from the perpetrators, but in so many responses too. Yet there have been so many outpourings of love and acceptance too. I guess that's what I see with you struggling to reconnect with your family. Denial and ignorance on her side, but such openness and love and generosity, even at such a personal cost, from you. Deep breaths. The only thing we can control is our own response. And from what I can see, yours is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWow. So much here. Take care friend. And pull away if you need space... It's a lot to handle, plus a move and two toddlers. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Cristy. So much anger and hatred globally and personally... I loved this part: "What they fail to ask is why there is this need to fight. What motivation is there to be won by taking?" So much to think about. I hope for peace for you.
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