"I just want an explanation," he said softly. I could hear the pleading in his voice, an attempt to understand what had happened to result in over 4 yrs of radio silence.
My mom had just turned the phone over to my dad, after spending 30 mins filling me in on their Christmas celebration and updating me on all things family. She had asked about the Beats, gleaning information about their size and weight, wanting to know what they liked to do and liked to eat. All of it fluffy conversation with me purposefully skimming the surface the whole time.
My dad started our conversation asking how I was, how we were and what we were up to. It becoming clear he was waiting for my mom to be out of earshot when we asked me the question I knew had been on his mind for all these years. What happened?
During my last conversation with my folks my mom asked a similar question, but it was immediately clear she was picking for a fight. In that case I immediately felt myself tense and began nervously evading an answer, knowing full well she wouldn't take it well. With my dad, it was a different story. Taking a deep breath, I immediately relaxed as I let the truth flow out of me, telling him about how my mom's push for Grey and me to adopt my cousin's son had been the final straw.
My dad and I have always been close. So close that when I cut off contact with my family, I heavily grieved losing him. All the hurt came rushing back as we talked, as it became clear how much he was hurting from that severance. But unlike my mom, he was trying to understand. Though he reminded me he didn't agree with what I did, he was trying to empathize.
I'm still process all that happened during our 30 mins on the phone. All mixed up with a lifetime of memories and emotions. The feeling that with this reconnection is also a metamorphosis for our relationship from parent and child to something more fitting. But also finally recognizing that I indeed hurt someone I love dearly while recognizing that he too hurt me.
That sounds like such a tough conversation. This part sounds so bittersweet: " But unlike my mom, he was trying to understand. Though he reminded me he didn't agree with what I did, he was trying to empathize." It is so hard when you have one parent who understands you while another doesn't, or won't. It seems like there is healing happening though, and maybe this new relationship that isn't so much parent-to-child will be something beautiful that comes from all the pain and severance and misunderstandings and hurts of the past.
ReplyDeleteFamily relationships can be so intensely complicated. I hope your reconciliation process continues to move in a positive direction.
ReplyDeleteI have only been reading you for a couple of years so I'm sorry if you have talked about this before. Did your mom push you to adopt your cousin's son because of your infertility? If that's true, yikes!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to be truthful with your father. It sounds like maybe the truth, and both of you recognizing that you have been hurt, will slowly help heal the old wounds.
This all sounds impossibly hard. I have never experienced parental estrangement, not even tangentially, so I've always read your posts about it with empathy, but never commented because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I'm only commenting now to say that I am now, and have always been, impressed by your strength of will and fierce determination in doing what was right for you and your family. I hope this reconciliation brings you some peace. Abiding with you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got a chance to talk with him privately, and that the loss of you has been significant for him (is that wrong for me to think so?). Like the others, I hope healing continues to come. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. I can't imagine how difficult and rough navigating these waters must be. You're doing everything with such grace and strength!
ReplyDeleteSending a hug. Is there any chance to continue to speak to him 1 on 1, such as setting up a time to speak while he's at work so you can repair the relationship without your mother lingering in the background. Maybe the key is to try to repair the relationships one at a time, starting with the person who is more receptive.
ReplyDeleteOh Cristy, (((hugs))). Glad you made the connection, painful as it must have been for you both. Hopefully it helped with some healing for both of you too.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so hard. Sending a hope for healing, strength, and peace as you navigate these conversations.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an intense but pretty awesome conversation. I'm glad you got the chance to have it. <3 Healing is so important.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you were both able to have this conversation. When we love, we hurt. But the fact you've opened the door again to love is really important. Sending hugs.
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