I've been finding myself pulling away from this space. Posts drafted in my head are going unwritten and comments unanswered. Too often, when I sit down to write, the cursor key sits blinking back at me. It's been frustrating and there's been many times I've wondered if the best thing is for me to close up shop and wish everyone well.
Last week, after a particularly bad presentation in lab meeting and frustration over the fact that writer's block has also seeped into my work (I have a review due in January that I have yet to generate a good solid draft for), I wrote a friend who is in the middle of writing a science fiction novel. I honestly expected some general tips, such as drafting an outline, creating a space to write and even setting a schedule. All good bits of advice and things he did suggest. But what I didn't expect was for him to identify something I wasn't even being honest with myself about.
Many people say that writers block, or procrastination in general, is all about fear (and I think that's sort of right). For me, anyway, it's about the discomfort or despair, even, that comes from knowing I need to do something, but not having a sense of what will get me there or how to know if what I've done is good enough. This is distinct from being unable to do something (as) being unable to know, or perhaps believe, you are making the right first steps or being unable to visualize the steps from where you are to completion can make it very hard because there's a little voice there that says this is pointless, you're not doing the right thing, it's all a waste of time.For awhile now, I've been trying to determine what my place is in this community. The Beats will be 2 1/2 yrs old at the end of this month and it will be 3 yrs since that finally round of treatment that lead to them coming home. Our family is complete, hence there will be no more rollercoaster rides. So I'm struggling with quilt as I watch those I previous sat in the trenches with reenter in order to continue to expand their families. There are many days where I worry I'm causing more harm than good.
There's also fear in putting my thoughts out there. There are now some serious scars from being attacked by those I believed I could trust and cut down because my experiences or life choices differed from others. It's easy to talk about having a thick hide or being resilient until one is attacked. And, quite frankly, though I respect others' opinions or viewpoints, I really don't want to be engage in fights where one party is intent on winning at all costs.
So instead, I've found myself labeling posts as "pointless" or "a waste of time." I've allowed myself to be silenced as I'm burnt out on potential drama.
But maybe, just maybe, I need to stop worrying about all of that. Take chances again with writing from the heart. Because those I've met and loved in this community have done just that. Trolls be damned and all.
I've written this post a few times. I haven't figured out if mine is just that the roller coaster is over, or if I really have nothing to say. There's only so much bitching I can do about my mother before it doesn't even serve me as a relief to write it down.
ReplyDeleteLove what your friend said: "Many people say that writers block, or procrastination in general, is all about fear (and I think that's sort of right). For me, anyway, it's about the discomfort or despair, even, that comes from knowing I need to do something, but not having a sense of what will get me there or how to know if what I've done is good enough. This is distinct from being unable to do something (as) being unable to know, or perhaps believe, you are making the right first steps or being unable to visualize the steps from where you are to completion can make it very hard because there's a little voice there that says this is pointless, you're not doing the right thing, it's all a waste of time."
Fear and shame. Conquer them by continuing to write.
I think similar to what you are doing in your job search, rules be damned. Write about what YOU want to write about as it is YOUR blog. If people don't like it then they don't have to read.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's life is completely different from where I started when I started blogging in this community, I struggled greatly with when and where and WHAT to post. My situation and choices have upset many a reader. I know I made the right decisions for me and I eventually closed my initial site. I had to walk away because of what was in that space. I made a new space and have been writing there sporadically. I'm not an avid writer as I once was. Mostly because my situation is so messed up I'm not sure there are a lot of people or potential readers out there who can or want to relate to my words. I agree with Geochick. Conquer the fear and write to your heart's content. This is your space. If people don't like it, they don't have to read. HUGS! You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteThis community has always been what we make of it. By that logic, I certainly shouldn't be here: with twins who are 11 and... well... certainly hurtful comments from time to time. But I stay because I need my space. Not for the same reasons each day, but it evolves, that need. And I think you need your space, too. If not, leaving would feel better than staying.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think your friend is very wise to point out that fear. I can have a whole outline constructed and still have trouble writing due to the little voice in my head.
Oh no, I hate trolls. I hate that there are people who attack you and invade your space. I enjoy reading your posts, regardless of where you are in the family building scheme of things. I loved your friend's quote about the fear. Fear of the people who seek to hurt you is a real thing, but I hope that if you want to keep putting your voice out there, that you will. This space is a beautiful thing. I hope it doesn't go.
ReplyDeleteI find myself pulling away from my blog too, so I definitely understand where you're coming from. I do love to read what you write and I hope you will continue sharing your story with us
ReplyDeleteHearing you. Having similar thoughts. I get your posts through email, so don't usually click through and/or comment, but still interested to read your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI like what GeoChick and Mel have to say. And your last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI find that the more I can write from my core, the less vulnerable I am to attack anyway. Because it's from MY core.
I read this with an increasing sense of despair, until I got to your last paragraph. I feel as if you are a very important voice in this community. Your comments on other blogs (I am honoured to include my own in that list) are always considerate and insightful. Your posts are always honest, interesting, thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteI see so many people saying that they aren't sure where they fit in this community, and it puzzles me. Perhaps because I was never part of the "actively trying to conceive" community, I feel as if our community is so much wider than just those who are, to use an over-used phrase, actively fighting in the trenches.
I'm sorry you've been attacked in the past. That really hasn't happened to me (yet - famous last words), so I feel that it would be wrong for me to tell you to ignore that. But I think those who attack are saying much more about themselves than they are about you.
I am also going to say that your voice would leave a big hole in the community, and that I hope upon hope that you will find your voice, and say what you want to say, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I think that there are many of us here in the same place ... having found ourselves on the other side of infertility, with children, bearing the scars of that journey, never quite "mommy bloggers" in the way we think about that term, lives turned upside down by our experiences, but embracing our children, trying to find ourselves in this new space. I, for one, am glad that you're here.
ReplyDeleteFinally catching up on blogs after months hiatus, and posted my first for a long time ... I experience a lot of those fears: fears of being irrelevant, fears of being unnecessary, fears of sounding stupid, fears of not belonging. What would happen if we let go of all of that together?
*hugs* sending love ... and happiness for your new news, in which the worst case scenario might be root canal. :)
I echo Mali's comments about the importance of your voice in this community. You have always been so welcoming & accepting to those of us living without children after loss & infertility (case in point: our Bitter Infertiles interview), and your comments are always empathetic & thoughtful. I think your place in this community is exactly what you make it. And I for one would miss you if you ever decided to close up shop. Your closing paragraph does leave me feeling hopeful, though. ;)
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