Episode 8 and learning about validation

First off, Episode 8 is live! This one we talk about Mo's dream of peeing on a digital HPT (apparently I haven't lived), Shelley's good news, Keiko's big news and FB and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And, of course, we rant.

The week has been an exhausting one. I had the day off Monday and originally intended on spending the weekend catching up on grading and finalizing some drafts of fellowship applications. Instead, following the blow-up on Sunday, I found myself in too much of a haze to do anything. So instead of being productive, I made my way to Puget Sound to take a remembrance walk.

Being by the water calmed me and it wasn't long before I became lost in the rhythm of the waves and rustle of the leaves. And with all of this, I began to remember those few happy days of pregnancy. Those few moments where all was right with the world.

It wasn't long before this peace gave way to the tears. The grief of still feeling so lost and alone in all of this.

Just when I thought I would be lost in my grief, I felt something plop up next to me. And when I turned, the hot tears in my eyes were quickly lapped away by the tongue of a black and white cocker spaniel. He was quickly joined by his golden-colored sister and instantly my tears were replaced with a giggle of surprise.

As their caregiver shouted at them, they both inspected me. Finally giving me a look that seemed to say "better," they hopped off the log we were sharing and continued down the beach. It was in the moments that followed, watching both of them trot down the beach, that it became clear everything would be okay.

Last night, Grey and I met with David. The session was far from easy, as we are both so frustrated with each other and life. After listening to both of us pour out the chaos from the last couple of weeks, David finally spoke. What he noticed is that neither of us are feeling validated. That we both are spending so much time trying to explain our reasoning to one another that it makes it nearly impossible to actually hear what the other is saying.

He then proposed that we practice being curious. In addition to using "I" statements, allowing us to take ownership for our feelings (vs. "you" statements that are attacking and make us victims to the outside world), he want's us to begin exploring issues by asking questions. This concept was most certainly intriguing and one that I want to practice. Of course, it will require work and learning to step back from each situation. Hence, I don't know how effective it will be in daily life. But with Grey, I want to try. And as frustrated as he is with me, I can tell he's already trying too.

So, we're rebuilding. Pulling out the broken parts of the foundation and trying to replace those with stronger beams. We're filling the cracks and repairing the leaks. It's hard work, but I know in the end it will be worth it.

An update, remembering and socks

Thank you all for your thought-filled comments yesterday. I read each one of them carefully while lying on my office floor and processing (aka balling my eyes out) everything that had happened. The long and the short of yesterday is Grey and I are both miserable from this journey. Try as we might, it's been hard to find joy in our lives, as it's either being undermined or feels unattainable. The reality is, most people say or do terrible things when it's assumed you won't have children. And I'm one who has trouble forgiving.

Grey and I continued our talk yesterday, getting to a point where it was clear we were both exhausted, though still angry. At that point we called a truce, agreeing work on all of this with David on Wednesday. I know some of you pushed for an earlier meeting, but David's been away and I've learned after many years of therapy how important it is to see the person who knows your history.

On top of feeling like my world is crashing down around me, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Though my heart is filled with joy over the news of BFPs and birth announcements, there's a sadness that comes with remembering what we've lost. Though I was pregnant for only a brief moment in time, the memory of those few days of bliss will forever be etched on my soul. As silly as it is, I still hurt from the loss of those potential children and not a day goes by where I don't remember the the images of our beautiful embryos that could have been. Today I've planned a walk by Puget Sound, allowing myself some time to do what I haven't allowed myself to do since I've lost them: remember the good moments. The joy of seeing those images, the feeling of being at peace and of hope.

Finally, here's the sock exchange list.

Jessica @ Dreaming of Dimples with Toni @ Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"

KelBel @ Tales from Our Yellow Brick Road with Janet @ Just a little off Kilter

Alicia @ Queen of the Slipstream with D @ My Life is About the Journey

MRHK Musings with Sharon @ Ova Achiever

Rochelle @ all the things we hope for with StacyLee @ Conceptionally Challenged

Aspgriswold @ Growing Griswolds with Stork Chaser @ Dog Mom Chasing the Stork

Joey and Maria with AmyG (Joey and Maria, please contact me so I can give you AmyG's contact info)

returntogobaby with Our Journey through this Lovely Life

Jenn @ The Future Fords with Amanda @ From here to Maternity

HRF @ Waiting for little feet with K @ Our Growing Gardunn

Trisha @ The Elusive Second Line with Cristy @ Searching for our Silver Lining

Lola @ Waiting for Baby with Emhart @ Follow Every Rainbow

Ladies, I have an extra special plea: please don't add to my heartache by not contacting your exchange partner. Most of you I know will not do this, not I occasionally get a couple with each of these exchanges and it breaks my heart. So many women have written me to tell me how much these socks mean to them, so please write me if you want to bow out. No hard feelings if you communicate with me, I promise.

The end of a marriage?

About a year ago, I started this blog as a way to document our journey through infertility and IVF while  hoping to seek support, as I really wasn't getting any in real life. Fast forward a year: 2 miscarriages, 3 failed rounds of IVF and no closer to an answer or path to resolution. Add in the multiple pregnancy announcements, births and expansion of children in our lives. Though joyous at times, it's definitely been hard on our marriage.

At the end of June, following our last failed round of IVF, Grey and I followed Dee's recommendation and started seeing David for marriage counseling. Initially the sessions were freeing, as we had someone to help mediate while we pursued difficult topics and rehashed arguments. But things have shifted in our sessions with the past couple focusing on me and my hang-ups from surviving child abuse. I've worried with all of this that Grey was falling back into a pattern of assuming his feelings could wait and pretending everything is fine on his end. All the time, stewing and becoming more and more angry with me. Needless to say, it all came to a head this morning.

I've talked in the past about the difficult relationship I've had with Grey's family. Though far from being as destructive as my family, they still have been a source of stress for both of us, especially while dealing with infertility. This has been especially true regarding my relationship (or lack there of) with Grey's younger brother, Lucas. Lucas's wife is expecting a baby with a due date that is similar to what mine would have been if I haven't miscarried in April. This is the brother who so nicely decided to announce their news following the news of our miscarriage. The truth is things have always been tense between me and Lucas. Early on in our marriage, it was clear that Grey took the role of "older brother" very seriously, protecting and guiding Lucas. The problem was, Lucas displays all the classic attributes of the youngest child and thinks nothing of unloading all his worries and grievances onto others. Even as newly-weds, I felt like I was battling with Lucas for Grey, competing for the attentions and affections of my husband. It's never done maliciously, but I do believe he's very self-centered.

This pattern of caring for family in a all-or-nothing way isn't limited to Lucas, as Grey has really attempted to put himself second to the needs of his family. The fact that he loves them to this extent is admirable. The problem is, they don't reciprocate in the same way. It's assumed because we don't have children, our lives are filled with free-time and energy. Communicating any of what we're feeling with the losses has been difficult, as they either assume that the solution comes in relaxing and accepting the role of the childless couple or that once we find our children that these years will simply be forgotten.

The last week was a rough one for me. News of friends welcoming their son (with pictures to boot), learning that a coworker is 2 months pregnant and quitting in December (meaning more work in hiring and training a replacement), multiple pregnancy announcements in general (cue the happy for you/sad for me feelings), multiple appointments (therapy and meeting with advisor) and PMS; what a wonderful mix. Saturday was suppose to be relaxing, but scheduled "me" time went out the window with some other obligations and chores. So by Saturday night, I wasn't feeling overly jocular. Meaning that when Grey joked that I was responsible for Lucas slicing his hand open after he broke a sugar bowl (because apparently I fit the description of the bitter infertile witch who's skilled at hexing people), the response he got wasn't one he had hoped for.

It was downhill from there, both of us walking on eggshells around each other and a heated exchange to follow. And finally me sleeping on the couch. This morning, when Grey asked if we could talk, he told me how angry he is with me because he doesn't see me getting any better. That he doesn't understand why I'm so angry with Lucas and his wife; why I see them as being so selfish. And then he expressed a huge amount of hatred towards my parents, specifically my dad for abandoning me. That he's still so pissed about how they've ruined so much. How he feels I'm simply filled with venom.

The truth is, I don't know how to resolve all of this. We initially brought all of this up with David and his solution was for Grey to initiate the conversation between Lucas and myself so that we could have an open conversation (with Grey butting out, btw). Problem is, Grey is not only protecting his brother from my wrath, but with their daughter being due next month feels that this is simply a huge inconvenience. Hence, I'm the bad guy because I can't get over April and move on. That I'm the reason he can't go see his new niece (which I didn't know was on his mind). Never mind the fact we haven't taken an actual vacation in years, instead spending any free time visiting and caring for family. Never mind the fact that as hard as I try all of this still hurts. Never mind the fact that we now know that me bottling things up doesn't work.

Through my frustration, anger and a hell of a lot of tears this morning, I dropped the "D" word about 3 times, breaking a rule that David firmly put into place. And I threatened Grey with the reminder of how skilled I had become with eliminating people from my life.  As I marched out the door, Grey screamed after me that I was quitting and clearly wasn't getting any better. Branding me the monster that I know they all believe me to be.

I'm at a loss of what to do. If I was pregnant, in the process of adoption or even knew which road to take for resolving I would fight for this relationship. But how does one fight an entire family that simply wants you to disappear? Who views you being barren as a good thing because it gives their son a good excuse to leave and try again? For too long I've felt like an outcast with all of them, pitied for being in this situation and with whisperings that maybe it would be better to just let go.

So, I'm at work today, trying to distract myself from the pounding in my heart and the grief of the realization that our marriage may be over. Also trying to figure out where I'm going to sleep and how I'm going to get through the next couple of days before our session with David. Because we are in trouble. Serious trouble.

A call for help

One of the things I love about this community is everyone's ability to rally when called upon.

I'm calling for everyone's help today.

About 10 minutes ago, I received this post from Erin @ Will Carry On, an RPL blogger. News with an explanation for a long hiatus was due to her learning she was pregnant with triplets. News that though she lots one of her precious babies at 11 weeks, there was still the hope of her bringing home her son and daughter. News that at 20weeks 5days, she lost them too.

Please take a moment today to visit her blog and offer your support.

Episode 7!

Episode 7 of Bitter Infertile is live! Shelley's synopsis is here.

This episode we talk about pregnancy after infertility and all the hurdles surrounding finally getting the BFP. As Mo is currently on vacation (and currently rocking Las Vegas) and Jessica is on hiatus, Shelley and I had the opportunity to have a special guest for the entire episode: Rebecca (aka HRF) from Waiting for Little Feet!  Needless to say, though we missed Mo and Jess, we still had a lot of fun.

Special assignment: share with us all the crazy stuff you've done while TTC. And if someone knows anything about beets and implantation, PLEASE fill us in. Dr. Google is worthless for this one.

Beware the Jabberwocky

How does one start talking about dark topics? Delving in to things that have been buried for so long? I've struggled with this post for weeks now, trying to figure out how to put into words what has been revealed.

All of this started a couple of weeks ago, where Grey and I spent a session with David exploring why I believed I didn't deserve to have children. I had just finished reading "Sweet Grapes" and was overcome with the realization that even though we could live a life without children, I didn't want to. And yet despite that realization, an equally strong feeling of damnation and deserving the pain of infertility/loss continued to rear it's head. That these wants of happiness were futile, as I was damned to lead a life of watching others move on to raise their families while I was meant to watch.

So, we did what any good psychologist would do; we dug. The more we dug, the more it became apparent the life-long trend of feeling inferior and deserving of misery: from double-standards from my childhood where I was punished or threatened for sins that others were easily forgiven for, to witnessing my family embrace life decisions of other family members while laying the costs on those who were trying to simply escape. Even now as I think about so many events, it becomes clear how backwards and destructive all of this was. Yet, it's something I have a hard time shaking. And infertility and loss feel like they are deserved because of who I am.

At this point, David asked me about the Gatekeepers. I swear one could have heard a pin drop at that moment. David continued probing, asking me what they were saying and wondering what they were holding back/protecting me from. And then David asked me about the Jabberwocky they are guarding.

 Through the Looking-Glass, 1872; illustration by John Tenniel

"Jabberwocky" is a nonsense poem that was written by Lewis Carol in 1872. Since it's conception, it's become a mythical creature with an undefined appearance other than having sharp claws and a fierce bite.

JABBERWOCKY

by Lewis Carroll

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

  The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

  The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

  Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

  And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

  And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

  The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

  He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

  Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'

  He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
  And the mome raths outgrabe.
Here's the thing about Jabberwockys: we all have them. Some of us can define them quite well, as we stare them in the face on a daily basis, but most of the time they are a shapeless, faceless terror. We know they exist and it scares the hell out of us. Hence the Gatekeepers; those guardians we've put into place that protect us from the Jabberwocky, keeping it caged. Their job, as cruel and destructive as they may seem, is actually to help keep us safe from the Jabberwocky.

There's a problem, though. As necessary as the Gatekeepers are during those moments where we are in danger, those loving guardians can hinder us in life. The abuse and jeers to steer us away from the Jabberwocky can hinder us, preventing us from living full lives. So it becomes important to reach out to the Gatekeepers, embrace them, thank them and then to ask them to step aside. To face the Jabberwocky, in all of it's fury.

What's been hard as of late has been that the whispers of the Gatekeepers have turned into dialogues, communicated mainly through my dreams. Instead of finding peace, I've been running through childhood homes, terrified of being caught by those who don't want me there. I've had visions of children on conveyor belts, winding through factories only to be perfectly packaged for their "parents." I've tossed and turned while reliving painful memories. And I've woken up crying after seeing images of my dad.  

In a lot of ways, this is a dangerous period. It's hard not to feel like there are moments that I'm losing my mind as I reflect on all that has happened. I'm fortunate in a lot of ways because Grey is helping me during this time, holding me as I shake and cry while helping me explore the rushes of anger I haven't experienced in so long. There's also the internal desire to stop, to run from it all and go back to a place that's far less scary and a hell of a lot more comfortable. What keeps me going is the promise of a better future; of finally being well. Knowing that the pain is acute because we are resetting a broken skeleton and forming a new foundation not only for us but for our children.

I'll be honest: I feel so weak at the moment. Today I see my Gatekeepers: a girl of about 6-8 yrs old and a young woman who is 15-18 yrs old. Both of them are jeering at me, while visually warning me not to approach. Yet, I can here the roars of the Jabberwocky too. This faceless terror that has been sealed for so long and yet been the poison that exists in my life. And as much as I want to turn-tail, I'm preparing myself to open the doors to this prison and do battle. To face what has been hidden for so long.

I just hope I don't lose myself in the process.

Autumn Sock Exchange

It's been a rough week. On top of craziness at work and on the home front, Grey and I are sick. Like needing 16 hrs of sleep sick.

Then I woke up this morning and received amazing news from my good friend Shelley. I've known Shelley for 2 yrs and we've both been on this journey together for too long. To hear good news makes my heart soar and I'm am beyond overjoyed for her.

So, riding this wave of hope, I'm hosting another Fertility Sock exchange.


Background: The idea is not my own and those who are not familiar with them should read here and here.  I have added one change to this exchange: it is open to anyone touched by infertility/loss. Though the original idea was to have something interesting to wear while in the stirrups (either as a conversation starter or to keep your feet warm in style) I've come to realize that fertility is not limited to the ability to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term. Far from it, as I'm now met too many who either are still in the trenches or have resolved either through adoption or choosing to live childfree or successful treament who live fertile lives. Sometimes far more fertile than those who can easily conceive. So, whether you are newly diagnosed, preparing for treatment, in the thick of treatments, pregnant after IF/loss, parenting after adoption/IF/loss, in the adoption process, made the decision to live childfree, or simply stuck at the crossroads (like me), this exchange is for you.

Here are the rules:
1) Leave a comment below to let me know if your interested. This exchange is open to anyone who has been touched by IF/miscarriage/infant loss, be it you're currently in treatment, preparing for treatment, recently diagnosed, pregnant after IF, parenting after IF, pursing adoption, living child-free or even supporting someone dealing with IF.

2) Once you've received your recipient's names, please contact them within 24 hrs. Recipients, please response within 24 hrs too. This is incredibly important so that everyone has all the necessary information. For those who will be difficult to contact, please leave an additional comment with your contact information. I will not publish it, but it will help with making the connections.

3) Socks do NOT need to be handmade. Again, when I originally started doing this, I did it because I'm a crazy knitter who in addition to wanting to give something that was handmade also uses knitting as a form of therapy. Please do not feel that you need to learn to knit, crotchet or sew in order to participate. And there are some amazing sock stores out there.

4) If you can no longer participate in the exchange, please contact me immediately. Yes, life happens and unseen circumstances can require you to focus your energy elsewhere. (Trust me, I get it.) But please don't leave your recipient hanging. I'm more than happy to reassign, as long as I'm aware that you can no longer participate.

Deadline for participation is Sunday October 14th. I'll post a reminder as the deadline comes closer.