#MicroblogMondays: A new way to juggle

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

I have been invited for an interview. Last Thursday, I had a phone interview with a new company that is looking for a synthetic/plant biologist. Normally I've looked beyond researcher positions, but the work this group is doing sounds insanely cool and curiosity got the better of me so I applied. Three days later, I heard from the CTO asking to schedule a phone interview. Apparently the 30 min phone conversation went well because instead of contacting me later this week as originally planned, I got an email yesterday (Sunday) asking for me to fly out as soon as possible.

This is where things get tricky. This whole week I'm running a workshop for 25 visiting Chinese scholars for this science education program I've been working for. The mere suggestion that I wouldn't be around for one day threw my director into an utter panic because there is literally NO ONE else that can take over (which is insanely scary because now it's begging destiny to find some way to fuck all of that up). So this week is out.

The added pickle is that Grey flies out to the West Coast to begin his new position a week from Tuesday. Meaning Monday is really the only day I can interview, assuming everything works out perfectly with flights arriving on time and no delays what so ever.

Which everyone knows is the perfect recipe for disaster.

So the game plan right now is the Beats are likely going to be coming with me to the West Coast. Grey and I are trying to determine if that will be Seattle or down to California. I'm lending towards Seattle if the interview is next Monday as that will give the Beats time to settle and doesn't mean crazy rearrangement of travel for Grey, but it all depends on when the interview will be. From there, I will either fly to California or be leaving both Beats in the care of Moon (hopefully with Grey there). 

All this on top of teaching this brand new course your's truly has designed and figuring out how to care for Jaxson and Daisy as literally no one local has stepped forward to help us out.

Wish me luck with figuring out this new form of pretzel juggling. 

The art of divorcing

This morning, Grey sent termination letters for our lease to our landlord. Both of us have spent hours reviewing the language on our lease in combination with Massachusetts laws about uninhabitable living conditions and talking with a lawyer in order to make sure that when we do this, we know what our recourse is when our landlord freaks out.

In addition, Grey has spent this week giving notice at his current employer. Not surprising, everyone except for the problematic supervisor has wished him well and been open to working with him as he prepares to leave. All of it a delicate process though, particularly as the problematic manager is angry that he would dare to leave.

All of this has had me thinking more and more about relationships and how we end them. Whether personal or professional, bonds are formed when people decide to become part of a group and it's literally impossible to exclude emotions in the process. Which means that no matter what the relationship, the severing of ties will result in feelings of loss. In the best of circumstances and situations this usually means there's some sadness, but where the drama comes is when one party either feels wronged or there's some level of toxicity.

This is an area I fail at. For years Cyrol stalked me, intensifying his attacks even when you ignored him. I've had others who have attacked over and over again despite my unwillingness to engage, wanting to pin all the wrongs in a failed relationship solely on me. What I've learned in some fairly painful ways is that despite what I was taught and told, firm boundaries often need to be put into place backed with consequences for testing them. With Cyrol, it took standing our ground and countersuing him. Even then he wouldn't stop, insisting on emailing. Further protections have since been put into place, but it's only when he's been harmed  by his actions (financially and socially) that he's redirected. We haven't had to be this extreme with others situations, but having a lawyer on standby and already contacting the Board of Health are components we have currently have in our back pockets. And with the problematic supervisor it's been keeping documentation and alerting HR.

The end goal of all of this is simple: we want all involved to simply let us terminate the contracts and allow us to move on. Neither Grey or I want to fight. And yet, there's an art to divorcing and making sure that the temptations to retaliate are quickly eliminated.

Wooing cats

It's an innocent enough scene: Daisy walks through the doorway, giving a distinct meow that sounds mixed with a purr indicating that she's looking for attention. Laying on a pad on the floor of the Beats' bedroom, I give her a quick scratching knowing that she now has 2 other sets of eyes glued on her movements.

"Daisy! Please come here!" exclaims one child while another has shoved hand from out under a blanket in an attempt to attract her attention.

True to cat form, Daisy begins a typical dance of maneuvering just out of reach while exploring their beds and deciding whether allowing them to pet her is a justifiable reward.

Since the Beats came home, Grey and I have been juggling the relationship between the felines and the small humans. From tail pulling with instructions about gentle touches to the ongoing fight over claimed sleeping space, the relationship has been continuously evolving. Within the last year, though, both Beats have taken a particular interest in both cats. Whereas before momentary interactions where fine, my mornings are now spent making sure both felines have clear escape routes and reminding both children that the kitties need to be respected at all times. The contrast in their natures makes it difficult for them to understand one another, finding common ground for forging a relationship.

Or at least that was what I had been telling myself up to this morning.

At 6 am, following both Beats waking up and leading a very sleepy Cristy downstairs, I found a scene in the kitchen that immediately made me freeze: an open refrigerator and 4 organisms that were not human adults exploring. It didn't take HeBeat long to find the aliquot of cat food, with him getting it onto the counter ready to distribute, but the look on both cats faces clearly revealed that this recent development was one to their liking. Head butts and paw taps quickly conveyed the message to these two preschoolers, particularly when both Beats proceeded to demonstrate that they could overcome the child-safety locks on the cabinet doors too.

In short, Grey and Cristy are officially screwed as a new alliance is officially brewing. And though I realize they all certainly have a long way to go with the wooing process, the fact something has finally started to click both elates and terrifies me.

Undoing it wrong

I hate job hunting. The sifting through ads, locating positions, tailoring of cover letters and resumes. The hours upon hours spent putting together an application knowing that it will be submitted to the black-hole that is HR where likely it will end up in the "no" pile. All of it is depressing.

And yet, it's necessary. The option of not working is not there for me given that 1) we need the money and 2) a gap in employment is frowned on in my field.

The thing is, I know I'm doing this all wrong. That I'm not utilizing my network as much as I should be. That all of that comes down to a sense of not wanting to bug others or make them feel like I'm using them to get ahead. There's also the pride of wanting to stand on my own two feet.

Despite this, I know very well that jobs come from having connections and an in. Someone who knows someone else that can make something happen.

It's funny how often this works in life. After being raised to value standing on one's own feet and pulling your own weight, I've seen countless examples how false this thinking is. Those that ask for help tend to be more successful with finding both opportunities and solutions. It's certainly been the case with infertility and yet there's a voice in the back of my head that is beating me up for engaging. A judgement about how I'm bothering others into doing something I should be able to do on my own.

Today, I'm owning this and attempting to undo all I've been doing wrong. I'm attempting to ignore those voices that scream at me as I send some of those first emails. In addition, Grey and I will be sitting down where I'll be getting a crash course on connecting with recruiters. Praying the whole way I'm not offending anyone and that they'll answer me.

It's time and I know it. I just wish there was a way to undo all the negative chatter that's going on in my head.

#MicroblogMondays: scary excitement

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

On Sunday, following a failed attempt at nap-time, I found Grey on the couch in tears. While resting and connecting with friends back West, he allowed himself to reflect on all that has happened and what is coming resulting in a release of emotions. Through tears, he hugged me and whispered "I don't have to die here." 

One of many statements that sums up all the emotions from the past few years.

There is so much good on the horizon. The Beats are very excited about moving, wanting to see this new land with mountains and ocean. In addition there are many on the other end who are already stepping up in major ways to help us, offering advice on where to find rentals and making plans to help us land.

But with the excitement comes the sadness and anger. I do not have work lined up nor do we have any idea of how to transition the Beats (continue Preschool vs. me homeschooling them? How to jive this with finding work and making sure that we don't end up in another bad situation). I'm already so sad and worried as we're giving notice to their schools today (I'm really going to miss these teachers) and we've also have the unpleasant business of informing our landlord we're terminating the lease (lawyer and Board of Health are already lined up to make it clear she has much to lose if she decides to fight that). 

So we're trying to ride the scary excitement; our own happy/sad. 

The best laid plans . . . .

Last night, following Grey's news, I began emailing colleagues to set up meetings. Though some had been alerting about me potentially leaving, plans had been made with the idea of proceeding like nothing was changing. Though Grey hasn't signed a contract yet, we're proceeding with good faith on this offer.

Which means I have to figure out how to structure a transition without leaving anyone but myself hanging.

For one program, this has already been worked out for me. My replacement was hired last week and it's just a matter of scheduling meetings to begin handing off materials.

But the course I'm teaching is far more complex. Given the weird way the institution does enrollment (only after the first week of class) I currently have zero clue how many students I'll actually be overseeing. In addition, as it's a research course, the structure is much less defined. The final wrinkle is a got pretty ambitious and have designed a project that will incorporate engineering with genetics where the students how to do Next-Generation sequencing. Right now I'm floating collaborations between the Physics department, BioInformatics and the Genome Center. Far from plug and play.

E and I met this morning to strategize how best to move forward. On one hand, I have identified someone who would be an ideal replacement, with us potentially splitting the responsibilities and me guiding her through this craziness I've designed. The problem with this is that I would lose health insurance and other benefits in addition to pay. The other option is to have her waiting in the wings, taking over my appointment, but I have zero clue if anyone will go for that.

The added wrinkle is after a year of development, I'm fairly invested in this project. My goal was to put together grant applications over the summer using the data the students generated. Handing this completely off to someone else is something I'd like to avoid doing.

Still, the priority is moving and focusing on transitioning. My current set up is far from sustainable and was always meant to be temporary. So today I'm modifying plans, figuring out a way to allow things to continue without me steering those ships. Despite how much I was wishing I had more control.

Drumroll, please

They made Grey a good offer. He still needs to work out the details with the recruiter, but it's clear this company wants to make this happen.

West Coast here we come.