Saturday, January 28, 2012


I remember the beginning of this TTC journey all too well. Grey and I were optimistic, so certain that it wouldn't be long before I was pregnant. As time went on and we didn't get pregnant, I watched as women who had been trying for about as long as us or less became pregnant, one after another. I did my best to be supportive and congratulatory, but as time went on, those announcements became harder and harder. The worst part was the loss of connections and support, as these women moved on to have successful pregnancy and give birth to healthy babies. It's like there are two camps that exist in the world: those who are mothers and those who are infertile. Rarely do the two camps talk: partly because hearing complaints about raising a new baby has been difficult for someone struggling just to become pregnant. But I suspect the other problem is that fertiles too often put their foots in their mouths around infertiles.  For instance Grey has co-workers who, until recently, have thought nothing about complaining bitterly about their lot as parents. What changed was him telling them of our journey and, most recently, our miscarriage. For now, they are quiet.

Over the years, I've become hardened to this situation, chalking it up to a part of this journey and learning many techniques for dealing with surprise pregnancy announcements. In addition, I've been fortunate to find this community and people in real life who have been supportive of us while we've been in treatment.

Recently though, a new wrinkle has been throw into the mix. It started with a card from someone I knew in high school. This individual is nice, but clueless at best and keen on announcing his life achievements to all the world. I also don't hear from him unless he wants to gloat. So when I got the card that was of the exact size of a birth announcement in the middle of my IVF cycle, I made the decision to mark "Return to Sender." My most mature moment, probably not. But I was dealing with a lot of emotions at that point and didn't need the added stress. Two days before my first beta, I get an email.
Hey Cristy,
          Sent you an announcement about the birth of my daughter, but it got sent back to me. Then I tried calling you and it said the number was no longer in service. Then I tried Facebook to tell you the news, but I couldn't find you. So I figured I would try this. . . . . Hope you're alive.


Anyway, this message was the beginning of a surge of pregnancy announcements for those on their second and even third child. Where as previously I was able to swallow my pain and wish them a brief congratulations, I find I'm struggling to even do that, particularly in the "oops" cases. With each of these announces came the additional sting that not only am I infertile, but I'm being left in the dust by people who have no trouble conceiving. While they're complaining about balancing pregnancy with child-rearing, I'm left with a mourning this miscarriage. I'm happy for these people, I really am. I just wish they weren't so smug about it.

The problem comes with the fact that though I don't like being so distant, I no longer feel guilty about having these feelings. Granted, I recognize that no one is plotting to make me feel bad by procreating as quickly as possible. But I also no longer feel the need to congratulate who conceives without a thought every time they announce they are knocked up.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I don't have the same animosity toward pregnant infertiles or infertiles who have resolved their infertility. And I think a large part of that has to do with these women not only getting it, but also being willing to support those of us still in the trenches. Granted, this isn't universally true, as I know perfectly fertile women who have been awesome about being supportive and, likewise, infertile women who have become insensitive as soon as they achieve pregnancy. But it's like the rest of the fertile world has become separate from our existence. We may pass one another on the street, but neither of us has anything we can really say to one another. And, it's really too bad. Because with a little bit of compassion vs. silence and looks of pity, words of support instead of one-liners like "just relax," I think we'd all feel better about the situation.

My whole point with this rant: being lapped sucks. And it hurts all the more right now as I realize that today, if I was still pregnant, I would be 8 weeks along. Instead I sit here with an empty uterus and memories of 4 days when after 2 years on this journey I actually had what comes so easily to others. Pardon me if I don't jump up and down when I'm blind-sided by a round-two (or three) pregnancy announcement.

End rant


  1. I have recently been avoiding a certain friend because I suspect a pregnancy announcement is near. I hate that IF has made me into this person, but I think the self-preservation is necessary. I like to pretend every pregnant woman I pass needed help to get to that point. It makes me feel less alone...

    And yes, being lapped sucks.

  2. I also have been getting lapped. Sveral friends are trying for #2 with one already successful. I think it is ok to be in self-preservation mode. Especially if you aren't hurting anyone very close to you.

  3. I absolutely get what your saying. IF sucks and there is no way around it. When we hit our 2 year anniversary and no pregnancy, it hit me hard. I wont lie, at first I "knew" I would be one of those ladies who only suffered for a while and got pregnant on my 2nd or 3rd iui. If I knew then what I know now.

    Hang in there and hoping this year gets better for you.

  4. I think we all get lapped, especially once we are in our 30's. It gets crazy. You don't feel like congratulating anymore because what is there to congratulate? That they got pregnant? All it took them was some fun in the bedroom...
    For us - it's a HUGE congratulations. We worked our asses off for it and then still have to drag ourselved to the finish line hoping for a baby. That deserves a big hug and a smile.
    Now I know that every life is important and I can be happy for my fertile friends, but after everything I have been through, I feel like people need to not feel entitled to adoration just because they were able to get knocked up.
    End rant for me!

  5. I recently had a run in with a now former friend announcing her present pregnancy. Her third child is due later this summer. Fertile of course and quite callous about it thus the cause of one blog post this past week.

    I'm really hoping that soon you'll be pregnant with that take home baby we infertiles always dream of. Good Luck.

    1. I saw and I'm so sorry. You don't need that right now. And I'm hoping the same thing for you, Rebecca.

  6. Sorry for being MIA I"m just now catching up on blogs. But I've been thinking about you so much. I completely understand exactly how you feel about this. I just heard my first pregnancy announcement since the loss/surgery and it is a huge punch in the gut and I haven't even been on this journey that long. But what became abundantly clear is that the infertile world and the fertile world could not feel farther apart. My husband and I were just talking about that this weekend actually. You are so not alone in this and I really hope you get your miracle soon! *big hugs*

  7. It sucks. That's all to it. It just sucks. I am hoping that this race will end soon for you and you will no longer be lapped. You will make it to the finish line and I'll be here cheering you on. xoxo

  8. I understand you very much with this post. I think most all of us infertiles have been there! And it truly sucks!
    As one person said, self preservation is needed at times, whether others (usually fertiles) understand it or not.


  9. Man, I can relate, even though I haven't been on the journey that long. But long enough to where I wanted to slap my BFF- pregnant with her second- who just told me that I needed to be sure "not to get stressed out, because that totally will affect if you get pregnant or not." Argh.

  10. Girl, I know exactly what you mean. Getting beat on round 1 is hard enough, getting beat on rounds 2,3 and 4 are something none of us saw coming. We all get to a point that we realize we have to take care of ourselves first... and let the chips fall where they may with other relationships. Sorry that you're facing this too!


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