Lessons learned

Our final few days on the East Coast were ones that I had been looking forward to for awhile. Following the wedding, Grey and I had scheduled time to meet with friends, both old and new, as well as take in some of the sights. On Friday before the wedding, Grey came with me to meet Shelley for lunch and walked away from the experience talking about how wonderful it was to meet her. Saturday morning was spent having brunch with Sass, Shelley and Lindsay. I had so much fun talking with each of them about life as well as their journeys and learned first hand how amazing and strong each of them are. I only wish I had had the foresight to suggest a photo.

On Sunday we left Salem and the skunks for New York City. We stayed with Grey's former roommate and his wife, who is currently 7 months pregnant. Initially I was worried about this arrangement, but it turned out to be a wise decision as Grey and his friend were able to spend time catching up. Plus the main topic was not the baby, but all the horrors of homeownership as they had just recently purchased their condo. Finally, Monday morning, Grey and I ventured into the city to meet Jay. I was a ball of nerves for this meeting, as Jay's blog was the first ALI blog I found. What started off as a poorly-worded email asking her if I could knit her some socks has turned into a huge source of love and support. And though Grey had never spoken to her directly, a coffee date with her was at the top of his list. We had a wonderful time seeing Jay, with Grey completely taken with her from the moment we sat down.

Monday evening, as we traveled back to the Pacific NW, I began to reflect on the lessons learned from this trip. There were the obvious ones: windows of opportunity are to be taken, don't assume anything, the importance of being open to adventure, the importance of rest, etc. But there' other lessons that I wasn't expecting to learn on this trip: sometimes you have to let love in and trust that all will be well; sometimes you need to be patient and not push.

For too long, I've been guarding my heart from hurt, worried that opening myself up to hope would hurt me all the more. Granted, this veneer has been necessary in order to survive the past year, but in the process I've shut out so many who would have offered us help, support or opportunity. And I've been pig-headed about following certain roads despite all the signs to do otherwise.

So, here's the truth of our current situation:
1) Adoption and a move, though not impossible, will make things take longer. Hence we need to spend the next few months gathering more details about our situation before we can pursue a homestudy.

2) In the meantime, Grey and I need to make a plan to recover financially from the past 2.5 yrs. As hard as it is to admit that money needs to be addressed before children, we both know that putting ourselves into financial ruin isn't good for our family. And we have a LOT more debt because of treatments than either of us is comfortable with.

3) With financial healing comes healing in general. With the help of David and Dee, Grey and I are pulling ourselves out of the rabbit hole of infertility and finding ways to live again. It hasn't been easy and there's still a lot of work to be done by both of us, but it's happening.

4) And finally, the hardest truth of all: we still have 2 frozen blastocysts. Every time I think about them, I hurt. I hurt because I don;t know what to do with them nor what the right decision is. Going through another round of treatment is not an option at the moment. Plus, as much as I love my REs, I'm convinced that doing anything with this clinic will result in the same outcome. But I can't imagine destroying or donating these snowbabies to science. I never in my life expected to be so attached and yet detached from potential children and it frightens the hell out of me.

So, there's a lot. And I need time to figure out what we're going to do with each of these truths. But I'm learning not to rush things and to trust my gut. Now I just need to learn some patience and watch for opportunities/signs. Please let there be signs.